![[description below]](/2002/photos/2002-09.jpg)
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FASS 2002: Sy Lentnight (Neil Murray) and Toni Tymn (Allison Luby) celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary, just before Sy gets murdered.
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Opening Song
(The Muppets Theme)
It's time to put on make-up
It's time to light the lights
It's time to raise the curtain
On the FASS show tonight.
This year the script's all written - WOW!
This year the work's all done - Uh-Huh
This year the songs are easy
So we're out to have some fun.
The folks have paid their money
The lights are going down
The ushers block the doors
As the treasurer blows town.
Let's knock up all the sets now
Let's knock up all the cast
Let's take it from the bottom
And take the money fast.
Can't say we didn't warn you.
Can't say the time's not right.
Can't say it isn't worth it
On the FASS show tonight!!!!!!
Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang
(Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)
It was twenty years ago today
Prohibition in the U.S.A.
Gave all the gangs their winning style
And the morals of a crocodile
So let us entertain for you,
The Thugs you've known for all these years
Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang!!!
We're Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang
We hope you will enjoy the show
Sergeant Friday's Intransigent Cement Galoshes Gang
We hope that you have lots of dough
Sergeant Friday's Cement, Sergeant Friday's Cement
Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang.
It's wonderful to be here, it's certainly a gas
We hope you play the tables
And we hope you lose your ass...ets
We're Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang
We rape and steal and loot and kill
We're Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang
Our good points...are practically nil;
Sergeant Friday's Cement, Sergeant Friday's Cement,
Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gaaaaannnnnngggggg!!!!
Shine On Harvest Moon
(Every Disco Song In The World)
Shine on, Shine on, Shine on harvest moon,
(Up in the sky) Shine on, Shine on harvest moon
(For me and my gal)
I ain't had no lovin'
(He ain't had no lovin')
I ain't had no lovin'
Since January February June or July
(Come on baby and shine on)
Ahh, shine on, shine on, shine on,
Shine on, shine on tonight Harvest Moon (dooo, dooo)
Get up and Shine on, get up and shine on
Shine shine shine; shine shine shine,
Shine on Moonie, Shine on Moonie,
Shine on, shine on, shine on Harvest Moon
Ain't no, ain't no, ain't no time to spoon
(Or knife and fork)
Shine on, shine on Harvest Moon
Shine on (STAR WARS) Harvest moon....
Shine shine shine shine shine shine shine
Harvest Moon.
Get Down Funky Mama
(Something Barbershoppish)
I had a teddy bear
His name was Funky Wunky.
But one day Mama, you put him away,
You said he was too junky.
I saw him in the closet
As high as he could be
Oh Mama, I miss Funky
Please get him down for me, me, meeeeee
(Get him down for me)
Oh get down Funky, Mama
From that high old, high old shelf,
Please get down Funky, Mama
Or I'll try to do it myself.
I climbed a rocking chair
The hall door open wide
I'd get down Funky myself Mama
So I'd be satisfied.
I knew that I could do it
Could do it, do it, do it,
Yes, do it, do it, do it,
Till I was satisfied....
(Oh so very very satisfied)
CHORUS
I Love Rolling In The Scum
(I Love Little Baby Ducks)
I love rolling in the scum
Staring at the sun
Burning out my eyes
And flies.
I love eating ciggie butts
Puking up my guts
Punching out my mom
And bombs.
But I sure hate you.
I love wearing bits of junk
Being called a punk
Slashing up my wrists
And fists.
I love eating squirmy frogs,
Maiming puppy dogs,
Hitting folks with eggs
And Plagues.
But I sure hate you.
I love telling awful puns
Making fun of nuns
Pounding out the pope
And dope.
I love setting fire to cats
Squashing ladies' hats
Looking really sleazy
And cheesies.
But I sure hate you.
Tights And White Satin
(Nights In White Satin)
Tights and White Satin
Never seeming to yield
Twirling my baton
Playing the field
Beauties I envy
Because I'm a bore
Just what my gender is
I can't say anymore....
'Cause I'm ugly....
Yes I'm ugly, Oh how I'm ugly.....
Danielle Boomboom
(Daniel Boone)
Danielle Boomboom was a man,
But a cute man,
With a face like a beagle
And a nose like a fountain was he.
From the coonskin wig
On the top of old Dan
To the tip of his high-heeled shoes
He's the bounciest, flounciest,
Jounciest man,
The casino ever knew...
I'm A Great Big Centipede
(Nothing Could Be Finer)
I'm a great big centipede
And I'm about to have a feed
In Oshawa
Stomping down the 401
To Oshawa to have some fun
Name's Joshua
I'll tromp all over GM
And then I'll do it again
I'll knock down all the steeples
And I'll pulverise the people
There in Oshawa.
Who's Afraid Of A Little Beer
(Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad Wolf)
Who's afraid of a little beer
A little beer, a little beer
I'm as good as an engineer
An engineer or worse
The studio's filling quickly
But I don't care no more
'cause this will make it easy
I can drink it off the floor
I think I must be German
I can really hold my beer
I'm certain that I'm German
Or else an engineer
I know it's not October
But this could be handled best
If we play like it's October
And hold Oktoberfest
There's going to be a flood soon
That'll make a sticky mess
We all may end up drowned then
But we'll die in happiness
I tried to warn him early
But he wouldn't listen to me
It's too late to escape now
But at least the beer is free
CHORUS
Scarborough Fair/Debacle
(Scarborough Fair/Canticle)
OBI: Do you want to do it or not?
You had best respond with a yes
Remember we don't tolerate failure
Louse this up, and You'll be a mess.
NUN: We've decided to give you a job
RIC: (There won't be a foul-up)
NUN: Do it right, and you will be praised
RIC: (I'll free them then lead them to Acme's back room)
NUN: But do it wrong, and Babe it's so long
RIC: (There their two necromancers
Will drag from them some answers)
NUN: Down so low, you'll never be raised.
RIC: (Give us the info on their expose)
N&O: Leave us now, and follow the plan
R&B: (Yes sir boss, sure thing boss, right boss)
N&O: Do it fast, we haven't much thyme
R&B: (Yes sir boss, sure thing
the mission's accomplished before it's begun)
N&O: Just free the two, you know what to do
R&B: (We'll free the two, yes we know just exactly,
we know just what to do ...)
N&O: Else this job will be your last crime
R&B: (Breakouts from prison are oodles of fun)
You Mess Up My Life
(You Light Up My Life)
ROCKO: Just when I think everything's rosy,
`You come along and screw up the works.
CHUCK: Time after time, I go off on a mission,
Only to find, that you got there first.
BOTH: Oh, you mess up my life,
You make me want to call it quits.
You are a blight,
And fill my nights with fits.
ROCKO: Thinking of you, always butt-ing in,
is almost enough to make me choke.
CHUCK: Rage overcomes me, and I blow my cool,
You make me want to give you a poke.
BOTH: Oh, you mess up my life,
You make me want to call it quits.
You are a blight,
And fill my nights with fits.
Yes, you mess up my life,
You make me want to call it quits.
You are a blight,
And fill my nights with fits.
It can't be right when it feels so wrong,
Cause, you___
You mess up my life.
Answer-The-Door Song
(Toreador Song)
STAN: Answer the door, Beauregard!
Answer the door,
Answer the door.
BEAU: I'm coming, hold your horses, I implore!
Please don't break down the door!
I'm trying to open it, just wait a bit;
I'm trying to o-pen it.
Mozzarella Rockefeller
(Cinderella Rockefeller)
MOTT: Mozzarella, Mozzarella is my name.
BEAU: Pleased to meet ya, Mozzarella.
MOTT: Have a crack at interrogatin' this dame.
BEAU: Sure thing fella, Mozzarella.
MOTT: My name's Mozzarella.
BEAU: Pleased to meet ya, fella.
BOTH: Oh, o-o-oh.
MOTT: I gotta split,
Back in a bit,
I gotta split.
Who's Knocking?
(Barnacle Bill)
STAN: Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?
Who's that knocking at my door?
(MADEIRA TEARS OPEN THE DOOR, ABRUPTLY
ENDING THE SONG. NO GREAT LOSS.)
Interrogation Song
(Typewriter Song)
BEAU: We've - got - sev'ral little questions
that we'd like to ask of you,
Sev'ral questions that we'd like some answers for.
STAN: Your cooperation's needed,
we'll make sure you're not mistreated;
Information's what we want and nothing more.
BEAU: If you're not exactly willing,
we've got ways, bizarre and thrilling
Of convincing you with methods you'll deplore:
STAN: First we'll hit you and we'll beat you
Then we'll smash you and mistreat you
Then we'll fight you and defeat you
We'll ignite you and we'll cheat you
We will shake your hands and greet you
Then we'll rape you and we'll eat you -
You won't like it much, of that I'm very sure.
Waiting For Godot
(America)
STAN: Pass me a torniquet; (PRONOUNCED "TUR-NI-KET")
I think there's one on the table.
BEAU: Can't find a thing, could we do it with string?
STAN: This kid's got no vessels.
BEAU: His arm is a mess.
BOTH: And we're
Searching in vain for an artery.
Searching in vain for an artery.
I'll Beat Up Your Wife
(You Light Up My Life)
BEAU: So many times we've asked you to help us,
Giving you questions whose answers we lack.
STAN: So many threats we haven't tried using;
We've been holding back,
now it's time to attack.
BEAU: And we'll beat up your wife.
STAN: we'll make her wish she'd never been born.
BEAU: We'll louse up her days
And fill her nights
BOTH: With pain.
Nail And Tooth
(Heart And Soul)
Nail and tooth,
We fought to finish it
Nail and tooth,
You won't diminish it.
Never
Will we confide in you.
Play It Again
(Sam)
Nail and tooth,
That's what the lady said.
Vile and ruth-
less villains we won't dread
Ever.
We'll not reveal a word.
Dynamite
(Silhouettes)
BEAU: We'll take a walk around your house
BOTH: Late some night.
BEAU: Keeping quiet as a mouse.
BOTH: Out of sight.
BEAU: While you're sleeping we will plant
Some dynamite at your door.
STAN: Terribly messy.
BEAU: Dynamite
STAN: Dynamite
BOTH: At your door.
BEAU: We will ring the bell and then
BOTH: Run and hide.
BEAU: You'll come down and pull your door
BOTH: Open wide.
BEAU: Than we'll detonate and you'll
Be splattered across your door.
STAN: Terribly messy.
BEAU: Splattered a-
STAN: Splattered a-
BOTH: Cross your door.
BEAU: Splattered a-
STAN: Splattered a-
BEAU: Splattered a-
STAN: Splattered a-
BEAU: Splattered a-
STAN: Splattered a-
BOTH: Cross your door.
STAN: Terribly messy.
BOTH: Splattered across your door.
LOTUS: We aren't scared, we feel no fear.
BEAU: We've got threats to last a year.
JIMMY: You can't hurt us.
STAN: Yes, we
S & B: Ca - a - a - an!
Logoff
(Little Darlin')
STAN: Boom,boom,boom,boom she ronna-ronna (etc)
BEAU: When-a,
When-a are-a you-a,
Gonna tell-a
All-a you-a can?
If-a you-a wait-a
Too-a much-a longer
I'll become
A vis-a-cious-a man.
STAN: A-oo-a-oo-a-oo-a
BEAU: You'll-a find-a
That-a my-a partner
Can be
A-vis-a-cious-a too,
And-a I-a
Can-a guar-a-an-a-tee-a
You-a won't-a like
The things-a we'll-a do.
BOTH: Oo-oo,oo-oo-ooooh.
BEAU: (SPOKEN)
Now, Lotus and Jimmy,
I think we've been too kind.
Soon things will be unpleasant,
As I'm sure you'll shortly find.
You see, we took it easy,
Though now I wonder why,
For now, my poor unfortunates,
The jokes are gonna fly.
The jokes are gonna fly.
The Punchline
(The Time Warp)
STAN: It's astounding.
Jokes are sounding.
Humour takes its toll.
So listen closely,
BEAU: Not for very much longer.
STAN: I've got to keep control.
I remember
Wearing the pork pie,
Telling a boffer when
The laughter would hit me
And my partner'd be calling
BOTH: Let's try the punchline again!
Let's try the punchline again!
BEAU: We'll relax you
Until it attacks you,
Then it wracks you with fear and dread.
First the lights will start dimming,
Soon your minds will be swimming
As humour infests your head.
STAN: You may think that your mind's fine,
BEAU: Then we'll tell you the punchline,
And slowly you'll start to go insane.
You'll start tearing your hair for
STAN: These words fill you with terror:
BOTH: Let's try the punchline again!
Let's try the punchline again!
CHORUS: First we make fun of the left,
And then we laugh at the right.
We tell political jokes
Where others pick a fight.
You need a sense of humour
To understand us when we say
Let's try the punchline again!
Let's try the punchline again!
STAN: Well I was talkin' to a real revolutionary
'Cause I was tired of chattin' with the bourgeoise.
He lectured a while, he sounded mighty wise,
I said, "Well, thank you, Sir!" and got a big surprise:
The strangest thing, it's one of Nature's quirks;
His ears don't hear, it's just his mouth that works!
BOTH: Let's try the punchline again!
Let's try the punchline again!
Closing Song
(Brother Love's Travelling Salvation Show)
Soooo
We say good-bye with a tear in our eye
As we watch them all die on the stage.
The ex....
..pose was a fake, was a fatal mistake,
But they're certain to make the front page.
Well, it's sad to see
But that's how things go
We've got no one left
So that's it for the show
And it's been FASS, yes it has, and what a gas
This is the end of our show
It's time for the curtain and you can be certain
We're sorry to go, but we have to you know
That's it for the show.
Lights .....
Coming down and they turn down the sound
And we all go downtown for a beer
Stage...
Crew calls it a day, with the props put away
In the places they'll stay for a year.
But when winter comes
Around next time
We'll be back again
With FASS seventy-nine!
And it's been FASS, yes it has, and what a gas
This is the end of our show
It's time for the curtain and you can be certain
We're sorry to go, but we have to you know,
That's it for the show.
