![[description below]](/2003/photos/2003-01.jpg)
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FASS 2003: The company of FASS 2003
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An Ocean Cruise
(The North Atlantic Squadron)
CHORUS:
Away, away on an ocean cruise
Full of booze, what can we lose?
We don't know our lines and we'll miss all our cues,
But that's the way that FASS goes.
Farewell to all our writers
That stupid bunch of blighters
After four months of thought
They wrote up this plot
Last week in three all-nighters.
Farewell to our producer
Our harmony inducer.
When an actress in rage
Wouldn't go on the stage,
Our inducer producer would goose her.
Farewell to all our tech crew
They sure make a competent deck crew.
And on make-up and lights
And sewing our tights
They're great but they just don't rhyme.
In days of old when knights were bold
And FASS was not invented
The people sighed, the children cried,
And all were discontented.
But now there's FASS, a worse disas...
...ter than five tornadoes.
It should be fun for everyone,
So please don't throw tomatoes.
Harold Mallard
(Rubber Duckie)
Harold Mallard, he's the man
Who keeps his spare change in a van.
Harold Mallard owns everything on earth.
Harold Mallard owns this boat,
He makes sure our assets float.
Harold Mallard owns everything on earth.
Anything you see,
Chances are that
He owns it!
If a charity
Needs some money,
He loans it!
Harold Mallard, yeah - he's rich.
He's got palms that always itch!
Harold Mallard owns everything on earth!
Albania The Beautiful
(America The Beautiful)
Oh beautiful, progressive land,
Where sex is clean and free.
Where democratic principles
Denounce Impotency.
Albania, Albania,
You've brought us all this far.
And someday soon,
We'll hang a moon
To show just what we are.
Drink, Drink, Drink Your Beer
(Row, Row, Row Your Boat)
Drink, Drink, Drink your beer,
Smoothly down the hatch.
Drunkenly, drunkenly, drunkenly, drunkenly,
Brew another batch.
I'll Be Master Of The Planet
(If I Only Had A Brain)
I'll be master of the planet,
With fools like Sam and Janet,
And no-one will attack.
All my enemies will cower
When they see the endless power
Of my aphrodisiac.
If I Didn't Have A Hunch
(If I Only Had A Heart)
I could walk the straight and narrow,
Or shoot a bow and arrow,
Or eat a stand-up lunch.
I could be my own master
Instead of working for this bastard
If I didn't have a hunch.
Just To Get Another Badge
(If I Only Had The Nerve)
I would sell my younger brother
Or rape and kill my mother
I'd borrow, steal or cadge.
I would deal with the devil,
I would sink to any level
Just to get another badge.
How I'd Like To End the Scene
(If I Only Had A Brain)
WHOM: When my plan's at last unfurled
I'll soon control the world,
I'll never want for more.
SCOUTS: I've no thought of retirin'
'Til I get what I'm desirin':
Merit badges by the score!
PSEUD: Oh, I
Could see the sky
While standing on my feet.
WHOM: I'd never know the meaning of defeat.
SCOUTS: I'd help a turd across the street.
SCOUTS: If I got what I was after
WHOM: My belly'd fill with laughter,
PSEUD: My pawnts would fill with awnts.
SCOUTS: I could think of nothing keener.
WHOM: Be a King and get a Queen-a.
S&W: We could end this bloody scene-a!
PSEUD: I could be a ballerina
Of the dawnce.
If I'd only get de-hunched.
WHOM: The world.
SCOUTS: A badge.
ALL: Our wants.
The Wonder Of Bras
(The Wizard Of Oz)
We're
Off to be malicious,
Deliciously vicious and bad.
We'll be the wors-
test passengers
This boat has ever had.
If ever a horrible crowd there was
You're looking at them because, because
Because, because, because, because, because,
Because we are very barbarious!
We're off to be malicious,
Deliciously vicious and bad!
MEOP Blues
(C C7 F7 C G7 F7 C)
Went to bed last evening / Feeling mighty drunk
Woke up this morning / And I'd heaved all over my bunk
It's been one of those days
When it pays not to put on your shoes...aahhhh, no...
I got those Mexican Evangelical Optometry Pirate blues.
First it's Hey gringo...
Then repentance time
Then it's all of those eye tests
That almost drive me blind
It's a bad dream
A nightmare, and I'd like to know whose
I got those Mexican Evangelical Optometry Pirate blues.
I'm all at sea
Out of key
And I wish I was dead
And I feel so tight
From the booze last night
I know I'm gonna explode if I don't find the head
Pirate life is rotten / And so is the pay
But what else could I do with / A general B.A.
Well some people win
But all I ever do is lose
I got those Mexican Evangelical Optometry Pirate blues.
It Is A Custom To Give Leis
(I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face)
It is a custom to give leis
We welcome visitors this way
The isle of Tongo Tongo bids you welcome day or night
We'd offer more than welcome
Except everything's on strike
Still, it's a custom to give leis
A custom we can't break
A custom to give leis
It is a custom to give lays
I think that we are going to stay
The isle of Tongo Tongo is an engineer's delight
As long as there is custom
We don't care who is on strike
Since it's a custom to give lays
A custom that we praise
A custom to give lays
Life Is Grand
(I've Got Spurs)
Life is grand on Tongo-Tongo-Tongo,
If you visit, you'll surely want to stay.
Not a thing is wrongo-wrongo-wrongo
If your income is fifty grand a day.
Oh, buccaneers! (Oh, buccaneers!)
Let's give three cheers! (And four more beers!)
Surely this would be a heaven
If there were no engineers.
Yes, it's great on Tongo-Tongo-Tongo,
You can find all the pleasures that you seek.
And the beer is strongo-strongo-strongo:
Half a case and you're pissed for half a week,
Half a case and you're pissed for half a week!
Pardon Me, Hon
(Pardon Me, Miss, But I've Never Done This..)
Pardon me, hon
Would you like to have fun,
With a love machine ?
Here on the floor,
I can't wait any more,
I'm a love machine.
If only you knew
How excited I've felt
You make me so hot
That my circuits all melt.
All of my software is turning to hardware -
You know what that means,
I'm a love machine.
We Are Meanpeace
(We Will Rock You)
Buddy we're aboard - but we're real bored
Playin' on the deck - gonna have a big fight some day
Gonna beat up the crew
Clobber you
Really enjoy everything that we do -
We are we are Meanpeace
We are we are Meanpeace
Now that we're on deck - make a big wreck
Playin' with the bomb - gonna blow up this ship some day
Gonna blow up the crew
And you too
Get a real bang out of all that we do -
We are we are Meanpeace
We are we are Meanpeace
Buddy we're annoyed - MAKE A BIG NOISE
Gonna have some fun - gonna club a few seals some day
Gonna harpoon a whale
Go to jail
Kick your cans clean over the rail
We will we will munch you
We will we will crunch you
We will we will mash you
We will we will bash you
We Want The Bomb
(We Want The Bump)
We want the bomb
gotta have the bomb - oh baby
We want the bomb
gotta have the bomb - oh baby
etc.
Nuke The World
(Duke Of Earl)
Nuke, nuke, nuke, nuke the world
Nuke, nuke, nuke the world,
Nuke, nuke, nuke the world...
Big Disaster
(Morning After)
There's going to be a big disaster...
The boys won't need to use the bomb
We'll fill the air with cheers and laughter
We'll watch the ship go down the tubes.
And though the warning's rather cryptic
I know the fun has just begun
Today will be Apocalyptic
At last the day of judgement
At last the Gottadamerung!!!
Hoo Is Whom?
(Fox In Socks)
HOO: Whom.
WHOM: Hoo.
Whom, is this man;
Hoo, is this man.
Hoo is his man; (POINTS TO HOO, COUSTEAU)
He is Whom's man. (POINTS TO PSEUDOMOTO, DR. WHOM)
Who is this man? (POINTS TO COUSTEAU)
Who is this runt? (POINTS TO PSEUDOMOTO)
This is Whom's, not Hoo's, as-sis-tant!
Now that you have got it, nearly;
I can show you much more clearly:
Whose boss? (COUSTEAU)
Hoo's boss. (COUSTEAU & HOO)
Poor Chou Hoo's boss. (COUSTEAU & HOO)
Whose boss? (CAPTAIN HORNBLOWER)
Crew's boss! (LIGHT ON CREW & HORNBLOWER)
Ship's crew's cruise boss! (DITTO)
See the crew's boss cruise the seas now; (HORNBLOWER)
See Chou Hoo's boss start to sneeze now. (COUSTEAU)
Can the crew's boss snooze and cruise now? (HORNBLOWER)
Can Chou Hoo's boss set us loose now? (COUSTEAU)
Aphrodisiac
(The Monster Mash)
I was working in the lab late one night
When I gave myself an awful fright,
For my potion didn't work as I'd surmised,
And suddenly I realized
(He'd made an Ac)
An aphrodisiac
(Phrodisiac)
To get you in the sack.
(Phrodisiac)
You can't halt the attack
(Phrodisiac)
Of my aphrodisiac!
I sat and pondered what to do
With my baby-making magic brew
When I realized its real worth:
With an aphrodisiac I could control the earth!
(Controlled by Ac)
An aphrodisiac
(Phrodisiac)
To take up your slack.
(Phrodisiac)
You'll end up on your back
(Phrodisiac)
With my aphrodisiac!
(Aph-ro----disiac, Aph-ro----disiac,
etc. as the Singing Waiters depart.)
Ma Bell
(Michelle)
Me and, Ma Bell
These are words that go together well, me and Ma Bell
ACDCO, Ma Bell
Count our love in hexadecimal, me and Ma Bell
I love her, I love her, I love her!
And though she's far a-way
I feel compelled to say
Long Distance is the next best thing,
to being there.
A-C, M-B
Who'll deny we're matched peripherally, even at sea.
M-B, A-C
Bells start ringing when you call up me, even at three.
A princess, a touch-tone, Contempra!
With matching cord, to boot;
You swallow all my loot.
When my last dime's dropped,
The dialling's stopped
You'll know what I mean.
Ma Bell, It's Hell,
Night-time calls when no one seems to care, lines aren't there.
It's Hell, Ma Bell
One A. M. and I can't phone down stairs, for repairs
The kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom!
I see you every where,
You're not becoming rare.
Though you're all amiss
Long distance is the next
Best thing to
Being there.
Closing Song
(Liberty Bell March)
Well,
That's the end of our FASS this year,
We're glad you came to see.
It had a measure of class this year,
We hope you will agree.
With lots of humourous songs this year
For music-loving folks,
And lots of titters
And lots of tatters
And lots of dirty jokes.
Yes, this is the end of FASS for sev'nty-nine;
We hope that you all come around next time.
We'd like to finish the show with something
witty and smart-
Instead we'll end it all with one big
