This Is The FASS Show
(You Are My Sunshine)
This is the FASS show, the unsurpassed show,
Maybe the last show you'll ever see,
If we're not cautious, you'll all be nauseous,
At our scenes of depravity.
So please stay seated, please don't feel cheated,
And you'll be treated to some great times,
We all have terrors of making errors,
As we lose our cues and our lines.
Some jokes are new, dear, some come from last year,
If you think that's weird, what you don't know,
We've block the exits, there's lots of sex, it's
Time for FASS, so here we go.
University Bookstore
(Winchester Cathedral)
University Bookstore, you're bringing me down,
Your prices are high
Your line-ups surround, the building
University Bookstore overcharges and then
The University Bookstore
Overcharges again
If a course needs a book
Take a look
They know what to do:
They handle them all
Large or small
By ordering 27 too few.
Overcharges on paper, overcharges on books
The University Bookstore
I think that they're crooks!
The students are shocked by, the money they owes
At University Bookstore
You pay through the nose!
(WHILE HOLDING THEIR NOSES)
Fo-doh-de-doh-doh
Fo-doh-de-doh-doh
Fo-doh-de-doh-doh
De-doh-doh!
Hey, Food
(Hey, Jude)
Hey, Food... don't crawl away...
Why don't you stay
A little longer?
Starvation is really making me ill
Eating this swill
Make me feel better.
CHORUS: Better, better, better, better...
Food Services' Food
(Food, Glorious Food)
Food, Glorious Food
There's nothing can beat it
Food Services food
Nobody can eat it
Murder burgers and onion rings
(Edible if you're lucky)
Deep-fried Colonel's budgie wings
From Ken-tucky
Food glorious food
Bacterial cultures
Food Services food
Fit eating for vultures.
Rice pudding and mystery meat
Brown beans from the Navy
Stale cornflakes and graham wheat
What's in the Gravy?
In The Gravy
(In The Navy)
In the Gravy, you can see things swim around
In the Gravy, germs and viruses abound
In the Gravy, come and see just what we've caught
In the Gravy, in the Gravy
They've got stew, they've got stew
They've got stew down at Village Two
They've got stew, they've got stew
They've got stew down at Village Two
South Campus Hall
(YMCA)
South Campus Hall, it's fun to eat at the
South Campus Hall...
I Want To Be A Superhero
(Just An Old-Fashioned Love Song)
SMEDLEY: I want to be a superhero
Flying 'bout and changing wrong to right
I want to be a superhero
Fighting all the villains of the night
I know I've said it before
And the countless times I've tried
But I know I'll do it this time
If you'll be by my side
I want to be a superhero
Chasing after villain, thief and crook
I want to be a superhero
And maybe I'd get my own comic book.
LOIS: Oh, Smedley what can I say
I'll love you all the time
Yes, I will be by your side
As you go fighting crime
I know that you can do it Smedley
Know that you can do it if you try
I know you'll be a superhero
And I'll be there to watch you as you fly
BOTH: (You're/I'm) going to be a superhero
LOIS: You could take me flying through the air
BOTH: (You're/I'm) going to be a superhero
SMEDLEY: Dressing up in coloured underwear.
Plato's Retreat
(Lollipop Guild)
We represent,
The Faculty Club
The Faculty Club
The Faculty Club.
We represent,
The Faculty Club,
And we thought that we'd come in to kiss your
(PREGNANT PAUSE)... hand!
50 Ways To Screw The Students
(50 Ways To Leave Your Lover)
Think up some creative tricks
to get them where it hurts
A skillful way to make sure they
will quickly lose their shirts
A little thought should surely help us
to get our unjust desserts
There must be, fifty ways to screw the students.
Just treat them like mud, Jud,
Give them an exam, Sam.
Tow their buggies away, Ray.
But make sure they pay.
Lower their loans, Joan.
Make'm pay through the nose, Rose.
You can charge by the day, Gay.
But make sure they pay.
Coal
(Tang-Spam)
Coal Coal Coal Coal
Coal Coal Coal Coal
Stupid coal, ridiculous coal,
Nasty coal, detestable coal
Coal Coal Coal
Coal Coal Coal Coal
Coallll...
Our Hearth
(Our House)
Our Hearth, is a very-very-very fine Hearth.
With coal bins and a flue;
We work from dawn 'til two;
Shaking and raking and baking Food Services' stew...
Neil Young Eat Your Hearth Out
(Heart Of Gold)
We want to think, we want to drink
We want to get out of this stinking hole
This job's a write-off, we want a night off
But still we're filling up this hearth with coal
And we're getting old...
Intrepid Astros
(Junior Birdmen)
Up in the air, intrepid astros
Up in the air, upside down
Up in the air, intrepid astros
Get your astros off the ground.
And when you hear the great announcement
That the meeting's just begun, gun, gun
Then you know, intrepid astros,
To start eating Egg Foo Yung.
It takes five gold rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves
And one... thin... partridge in a pear tree
Superhero
(Red Rubber Ball)
Some day I'll know
Just what I can do
It's a lesson I must learn
In a day or three or two
Can I fly beyond the sky
Or swim beneath the sea
Can I get a decent-paying job
Despite my Ph.D.
Yes, I'm gonna find out soon
Just what kind of powers I have
And then I'll get a TV show
Like Hulk or Superman.
Superhero Reprise
(Red Rubber Ball)
I've always known
That Smedley's sort of weird
But what he's up to now
Is worse than I had feared
Someone has to stop him fast
Before he breaks his neck
Because the guy is playing now
With only half a deck
Yes, I've gotta find him soon
Cuz he's gonna hurt himself
By doing things that should be left
To Hulk or Superman.
A Spaceship
(Ach Du Lieber Augustine)
We will build a spaceship, a spaceship, a spaceship,
We will build a spaceship to fly up the stack.
With fuel cells and windows and no navigation
With paraphenalia we ain't thought of yet.
Off to the disco, disco, disco,
Off to the disco to find us some help.
Studio /360
(Puff The Magic Disco)
Studio /360, you're our favourite place
To drink and disco dance till dawn
In vinyl pants and lace
Studio /360, who could ask for more?
We'll shake our precious booties till
We crash right through the---
Through the floor, through the floor
Stamp your feet right through the floor
Through the floor, through the floor
Ahh----
Studio /360, we come here to dance
And we also come to get inside each other's pants
Studio /360, we just have to smile
At the way you cater to our vacuous life---
Vacuous, vacuous,
Just don't think or raise a fuss,
Vacuous, vacuous,
Ahh----
Studio /360, we don't care a bit,
If we wake some monster up and it gets in a snit,
Studio /360, even if you're doomed,
Satisfaction will be ours because we'll die well---
Die well-groomed, die well-groomed,
Collapse the roof and be entombed,
Die well-groomed, die well-groomed,
Ahh----
WIDJET
(A Bicycle Built For Two)
WIDJET, WIDJET,
Give me your answer, do.
I just fidget,
Waiting in queue for you.
As soon as my bug's detected,
My job can be corrected;
But I'll be here
At least a year,
At queue number ninety-two!
I Forget With You Milk
(Thank You Very Much Milk)
Suddenly the memory stops
My mind is wiped quite clear
There's nothing left inside my head
It's like back in first year
I forget with you (ahhh...) Milk.
Thoroughly this memory soap
Goes rinsing through my brain
And all the things I thought I knew
Are washed right down the drain
I forget with you (ahhh...) Milk.
La la la la la (uhhh...) la.
Hey Sue
(Octopus's Garden)
Hello there, Sue.
We'd like to do
Delicious and delightful things for you.
We'll bring you flowers
Or whiskey sours
A case of Fifty or a case of Blue.
If you will let us have our kicks
We'll even take you to Fed Flicks
We love you so.
Please don't say no.
Oh let us do delightful things for you.
Hi Ho
(Hi Ho)
Hi ho, hi ho, we're off to face the foe
If they've got guns we'll lose our buns
We know, we know
And yet we go, hi ho,
We're off to face the foe,
If they shoot us, we'll raise a fuss,
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho... etc.
Over At The PRG Place
(Over At The Frankenstein Place)
In subterranean darkness,
We are filled with fright: Then a sight.
Turns our night to dawn
Although we still can not, find the john.
CHORUS:
There's a light ... (over at the PRG place)
There's a light ... (burning up Food Services' waste)
There's a light, a light,
At the end of the tunnel tonight.
The Aliens must go,
Home again to their own galaxy.
We shall get free,
So we can save the University.
We will foil their plan;
We'll foil their plan.
CHORUS
No Way, Jose
(Scarborough Fair)
We're not going to tell you a thing
The idea's completely absurd
You will never get us to sing
No, we'll not reveal a word
Torn Between Two Tow-Trucks
(Torn Between Two Lovers)
Torn between two tow-trucks
That's what you will be
If you choose
Not to give
The formula to me
You Can't Do Anything
(Anything You Can Do)
ALIENS: You can't do anything better than us cats
You guys are hopeless, you haven't a chance,
CO-OPS: Yes we do
ALIENS: No you don't
CO-OPS: Yes we do
ALIENS: No you don't
CO-OPS: Yes we do
ALIENS: No you don't, no you don't
CO-OPS: Your team has lost it before you've begun, cats
Right from the start you can see we will win.
ALIENS: No you won't
CO-OPS: Yes we will
ALIENS: No you won't
CO-OPS: Yes we will
ALIENS: No you won't
CO-OPS: Yes we will, yes we will
Sergeant Peppers Band
(Close Encounters Theme)
Ser-geant Pep-pers Band.
You Funded Me
(You Needed Me)
I scraped and starved,
I paid my dues:
Cold lonely nights,
Kraft dinner blues.
My every cent
Went for tuition fees,
I only bought
The bare necessities:
Sex, drugs and downhill skis.
Sex & Drugs & Downhill Skis
(Sex & Drugs & Rock'n'Roll)
Sex and drugs and downhill skis,
Are what my student loan is for.
Sex and drugs and downhill skis,
And good times by the score.
If you think my life is frugal, prim and prudent,
Then you've never met an av'rage co-op student,
Firebirds and dope, beer and getting screwed, ent-
irely devoid of morals, this is the life for me.
Sex and drugs and downhill skis,
Enough to last for thirty years.
Sex and drugs and downhill skis,
And now and then some beer.
I did not come here to fill my head with knowledge,
But to flush it out through excess alcoholage,
After which I'll need a mental overhaul, a j-
olly good vacation, one which I don't intend to end.
The Banana Blitz Song
(The Banana Splits Song)
One banana, two banana, three banana, four,
Stuff bananas in your face 'til you can stuff no more.
Five banana, six banana, sev'n banana, eight,
Afterwards I'm sure that you will not be feeling great.
La la la, la la la la;
La la la, la la la la.
The Show So Far
(Science Fiction Double Feature)
Cy Nusitis was ill from eating Village 2 swill
Prof L.Lactic found out he was canned
And Smedley Merkin was there, in Velcro underwear
Clogged Drains was the big problem at hand
Well, the Aliens tried, yes they cheated and lied
As the humans made their final stand
And while the AIA crashed, and the co-ops were trashed
Administration hides in the can
At the...university in commotion
The Mad Professor will brew a potion
See Aliens fighting co-op students
The campus crawls with hairy mutants
Woh oh oh oh ooh
Here at the nineteen-eighty FASS show
I paid my dough
Woh oh oh oh ooh
To the nineteen-eighty FASS show.
The Bonzo Cat In The Hat Comes Back
(The Rain In Spain)
SOP: Now it should be apparent
That our problem is inherent-
ly quite simple, I am sure you will concur:
When the suds go down the spout
We need a way to let them out
Or else we'll soon possess the filthiest of fur.
But there's another little extra
If our sewers run unvexed, a
Side-effect which I expect will bring good cheer:
For when your sink's correctly used
It helps the Bonzo Cats get boozed
Thanks to a method which I hope to make quite clear.
SOP: Care to describe what you see, Euripides?
EUR: It's plain the drain is mainly filled with rain.
SOP: Once again.
EUR: It's plain the drain is mainly filled with rain.
SOP: I think you've got it. I think you've got it.
EUR: The stained drain rain drain's main drains on the pane.
SOP: By George, you've got it. By George, you've got it.
M&F: The pane rain hits the reigning Dane.
ARI: Hits his brain, wets his mane.
M&F: The rain's his bane, so he's profane.
ABS: Not Jane, nor Cain, nor Thane ordained.
A&A: The rained Dane lifts his cane and hits the vane,
MOR: The weathervane, 'cause he's profane,
A&A: The Dane's cane hits the crane and causes pain,
FEL: Not sprain nor strain, not slain but pained.
SOP: The crane exclaims, and hails the plane,
ALL: Holding grain for the train,
SOP: The crane-hailed plane then finds the train,
ALL: With the grain the plane obtained.
ALL: The train collects the grain dropped from the plane,
M&F: The plane-dropped grain rains on the train,
ALL: And takes the grain contained across the plain,
A&A: The rain train grain across the plain.
EUR: Whilst winnowing week-old wheat whisky will wesult.
ABS: We use the booze to make us snooze.
SOP: So tell me plain, where goes the train's grain?
EUR: It is drained from the train
ARI: To comfort pain so cats won't wane;
ABS: If they abstain they are insane.
SOP: Explain the chain!
ALL: The maned Dane's stained drain pane rain
makes crane pain.
Main rain wets brain, profane lane cane.
The trained plain grain train drains the grain contained!
I Want To Be A Superhero (Reprise)
(Just An Old-Fashioned Love Song)
He got to be a super hero
Guess the earth has really had some luck.
And now that he's a super hero
He and Lois can go home and
(muck around the house a bit and...)
Bye Bye Earth
(Bye Bye Love)
Bye bye world
Hello oblivion,
We're tired of liv-i-on
And so we're gonna die,
Bye bye the earth, goodbye.
There goes the planet to Bonzo Cat,
And we'll be killed now, imagine that.
Oh yes, the world's in an awful way,
We wish that someone would save the day.
Bye Bye FASS
(Bye Bye Love)
Bye bye FASS, this is the closing song,
It won't take very long, and then we'll say goodbye
Bye bye FASS, goodbye.
Bye bye FASS, it's time for us to go,
Hope you enjoyed the show, endings make us cry,
Bye bye FASS, goodbye.
Our show is done, but, don't lose your cheer.
We'll have more fun, just, this time next year.
There's a quotation, we used to know:
If there's no au-dience, there ain't no show!
Bye bye FASS, this is the closing song,
It won't take very long, and then we'll say goodbye
Bye bye FASS, goodbye.
Bye bye FASS, it's been a lot of fun,
See you in Eighty-One, now we say goodbye,
Bye bye FASS, goodbye.
![[description below]](http://lh4.ggpht.com/uwfass/SN5FsYf0-MI/AAAAAAAAAG8/eDITvXbfNtI/s288/c35116.jpg)
