![[description below]](/2002/photos/2002-13.jpg)
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FASS 2002: Serial killer Lou Tennant (Rob LeGood) lovingly strokes the pink tie he uses to strangle his victims.
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Alice in Wonderloo
(Aquarius)
When the cast gets into costume
And all our techies are prepared
Then FASS will have you rolling
And fun will fill the air
This is the story of Alice in Wonderloo
Alice in Wonderloo,
In Wonderloo, in Wonderloo...
Sexual insinuation
Very tired jokes abounding
All our props are made of plastic
Though we might be rather spastic
We are still enthusiastic
You'll find life is quite fantastic
In Wonderloo, in Wonderloo...
When the show is in the second act
The plot appears a bit contrived
We'll add a somewhat pointless scene
To keep your interest alive.
This is the story of Alice in Wonderloo
Alice in Wonderloo,
In Wonderloo, in Wonderloo
In Wonderloo!
I Mock Turtles
(I Love Onions)
We don't mock folks with pretty smiles
Or paraplegic crocodiles
But mmmm, we mock turtles.
We don't mock folks who carry guns
Or anyone who's good with puns
But mmmm, we mock turtles.
Turtles, turtles in their shell
Turtles, turtles always smell
Turtles all can go to hell
See if we care...
We don't mock people eating cheese
Or armadillos cursed with fleas
But mmmm, we mock turtles.
We don't mock persons who have gas
Or even people watching FASS
But mmmm, we mock turtles.
Turtles, turtles move so slow
Turtles, turtles weep with woe
Turtles haven't much to show
For pathetic lives...
At ALICE's Restaurant
(Sesame Street Theme)
Myst'ry meat, and a few
Budgie feet,
Look brand new when hidden in the stew.
Every meal is a surprise
Here at ALICE's Restaurant.
Soggy toast, a-and charred
Horseflesh roast,
Grace the dish with tiny greasy fish.
Cover everything with sauce
Here at ALICE's Restaurant.
Here at ALICE's Restaurant.
(REPEAT AD LIB.)
Foods
(Campbell Soup Song)
There's turnip hearts in walrus blood
And butterflies sauteed in mud
Reptile organs served with gorgons
garnished well with Holstein cud.
There's jellied brain of loup-garrou
And tons and tonnes of doggie-do
These are all the gourmet meals we'd like to cook for you!
Wolf pus au jus,
Dingo's kidney stuffed with weeds
Gorilla hands and monkey glands and vegetables with bugs!
Flies and gnats and thighs of bats
And donkey entrails cooked with cats
And sweat and spit and just a bit of little yummy slugs
Yes lots of juicy slugs, those tasty tiny slugs,
These are all the gourmet meals we'd like to cook for you!
Hank The Herald
(Hark, The Herald Angels Sing)
Hank the Herald, page boy sings
Declarations from your king.
Count Paul Bearer's statue, golden,
Just this hour has been stolen.
If you catch this unjust thief --
All he left were these false teeth --
You will get your just reward:
Knightship from his vorpal sword.
Riches, titles offers he.
And a Loblaws' shopping spree.
How Can You Mend A Broken Egg
(How Can You Mend A Broken Heart)
I can think of younger days
When searching for a chick
I'd set down certain qualities required
So beautiful with glowing cheeks a rosy red
But a feeling prompted me to have eggs instead
Ehhhhh.....
How can you mend a broken egg
It won't be easy, I can see
How can you halt coagulation
I guess the yolk's on me
I remember lovers past
Some slow and some were fast
But no one holds a candle to him
Now I'm a bird who's led a life of thrills galore
But I've never had a chance to lay an egg before
Ehhhhh.....
How can you mend this shell of a man
All the king's horses and his men
Can't help me mend this broken egg
And let him live again.
Da da da da da...
Higher Education
(Stairway To Heaven/Gilligan's Island)
(BEGINS WITH STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN TUNE)
C. B.: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of a student's four fateful years
An attempt at increasing the power of his mind
While surrounded by engineers
Ooh, oo-ooh, oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh,
And they call it Higher Education.
OYSTERS: (NOW WITH GILLIGAN'S ISLAND TUNE)
The student and the Registrar
Were walking close at hand
The student wept for he had to take
Six courses rather bland,
that he couldn't understand.
He skipped his lectures frequently
No skipper could surpass
The lengths to which he'd go to miss
A three-hour class, a three-hour class.
His courses started getting rough
His tiny mind was tossed
If not for the courage of a couple of beers
His credits would be lost,
at a rather dreadful cost.
He barely passed his final year
And soon forgot it all
But it is said quite frequently
That those who can't, teach instead
So he became
A professor now lecturing
At U. of Wonderloo!!
The Safety Song
(Yellow Submarine)
When you use a loaded gun,
Just make sure it points away from you.
When you grasp a nasty knife,
Use the handle, or you'll be through.
So we tell you this advice.
Don't drink milk that's coloured green,
Or jump off the CN Tower,
Or breathe canisters of chlorine.
This warning is from Safety Wonderloo.
It will get you through,
If it's what you do. (REPEAT)
If you want a life of ease,
Don't bang baseball bats against your knees.
If it's blood that you can't stand,
Do not lick the lids of old tin cans.
This warning is from Safety Wonderloo,
It will get you through,
If it's what you do,
Otherwise you'll be dead in Wonderloo,
Cooked into a stew,
And served in Village Two!
When We're On The Throne
(When I'm 64)
GEN: When the production proves it's a bomb,
Just a day from now,
Heirs to claim the throne will be extremely few,
The suc-ces-sion passes to you.
And when we're finished cutting the deck
Everyone will groan,
I'll have it my way
They'll do what I say
DIXIE: When I'm on the throne!
GEN: (When we're on the throne!)
DIXIE: Every summer I will sharpen axes,
Raise the taxes,
And increase the price of beer...
GEN: I will rule with you,
BOTH: Just like Pierre Trudeau,
We'll be tyrants too!
DIXIE: I will be happy chopping off heads,
Just like dear old mum.
I can roast the dormouse by the fireside,
Mock turtle soup and Dinah surprise.
And for the Tweedles, a quick slimming plan
Trim them to the bone,
Mix the mad hatter into a batter,
DIXIE: When I'm on the throne!
GEN: (When we're on the throne!)
Hasenpfeffer
(Hey, Big Spender)
The minute you hopped in the joint
I could tell you were a hare of distinction
A real contender,
Good-looking, a handsome buck
You have no need of rabbit's feet to add to your luck,
So let me get right to the point
If you think you'd like a cottontail flambe,
Hasenpfeffer,
Toss a little carrot my way.
Do you wanna have fun, fun, fun,
How about a few laughs, laughs,
I can show you a...good time.
Let me show you a...good time.
(REPEAT VERSE AND CHORUS AD LIB.)
(SPOKEN) How about it, bunny boy?
Opera's A Bore
(Toreador From Carmen)
QUEEN: Opera's a bore and architecture's dull.
KING: Cubism stinks.
DIXIE: Bach and Brahms were dinks.
STUDS: Dickens, Jane Austen, Colerige, all three
Fill me with deep apathy.
ALL: Oh, Wuthering Heights, Macbeth,
Bleak House, and Tess,
Fill me with listlessness.
KING: I wouldn't wait three seconds for Godot.
QUEEN: Dostoevski sucks.
DIXIE: Shaw and Hesse were schmucks.
STUDS: Down with Fitzgerald, Faulkner, Hemingway,
And cinema verite!
ALL: When we hear Wagner played
Or hear him sung
We shout out Gott-dammerung.
STUDS: Stockhausen, Mozart, Mendelssohn, Satie,
Their orchestral works
Prove they all were jerks.
KING: Sculpture is such a mind-bewildering bore.
QUEEN: But ballet bores me more!
ALL: Say that we're Philistines,
Say that we're crass,
But art's a pain in the--
It's Called University
(It's Still Rock & Roll to Me)
HATTER: Talk about the funny clothes you were wearin'
ALICE: Can't you tell that I'm not from here?
HATTER: Don't you come from a land of fairies?
ALICE: No, I come from a land of queers.
HATTER: What about the place where you come from Alice,
Has it got a king and a queen and a palace?
ALICE: You don't learn
Don't earn
You just yearn
For work term.
ALL: It's called university.
HATTER: What's the matter with the CS programme?
They say there will be jobs for all.
ALICE: You can go out there and get the money,
If you like writing in COBOL.
HATTER: What about a job in mech engineering?
ALICE: That's not a life that I'd call endearing.
ALL: CHORUS
COUNT: It doesn't matter what courses you enroll in,
Or the lectures that you attend.
You can write every sound that the prof utters down,
But you'll fail them all in the end.
Driving you around the bend, oooo-ooh!
HATTER: Talk a bit about the crowd you come from.
ALICE: They are fun, but they have no class.
HATTER: Did they happen to be straight A students?
ALICE: Well they were, but they all joined FASS.
HATTER: The crown's logic is a little bit silty,
She's not from here, so she can not be guilty.
ALL: It's a big zoo
Thank-you
That'll do
Waterloo
It's called University
HATTER: She didn't plan it,
Drop the charges now and can it.
She's from university.
Sentimental Cop-out Ending
(Oz Medley)
(FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD)
Follow the yellow ring road,
Follow the yellow ring road,
Park on the road and you'll be towed,
So follow the yellow ring road.
(WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD)
We're off to have a party,
It's time to go out for an ale.
It's been a night, let's all get tight,
And get ourselves thrown in jail.
Wherever, wherever a crowd can be
We'll put on a show for all to see.
To see, to see, to see, to see, to see.
To see for a really quite minimal fee.
(SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW)
Some time, early next year, folks,
We'll return.
We'll tell all of the same jokes,
Some people never learn.
It's time to leave the Hagey Hall
And put this stupid story all behind us
As soon as we get out of here
Beneath a table drenched in beer
That's where you'll find us.
All our problems were tied up,
With one ring.
It's great how we can get a-
Way with that kind of thing.
(BACK TO "WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD")
We're off to close our show now.
There's all kinds of work to be done.
The story is that in show biz
You never have any fun.
But when you're FASS that's never true;
We get off on entertaining you.
We do, we do, we do, we do, we do!
We do it for you here in Wonderloo.
We're off to have our party.
We'll see you at FASS '83!
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