![[description below]](/2003/photos/2003-09.jpg)
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FASS 2003: Dinah Myte (Alison Forster) prepares to unmask the Phantom.
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Opening Song
(Danny's Song)
Party singing and dancing is a lot of fun
And it's just begun
Soon we're gonna tell a pun.
We are gonna celebrate till the cows come home
Gonna move from tome to tome
Robin Hood to Ancient Rome...
So settle down and watch our labours
Don't whisper loud to your neighbours
The plot's already hard enough for them to keep track.
And even if our jokes aren't funny
We've still collected your money
And we refuse to give a single cent of it back.
Literary characters right off the page
Heroes of another age
Villains being bad on-stage
All in all we hope we are a lively crew
It's a bit of a zoo
It's like that backstage too
And even if we ain't got talent
The cast and techies are gallant
The writers and production types are starting to weep.
And even if our actors blow it
We're sure you never will know it
Cuz you all will be
Fassed asleep...
Wicked
(Sweet Revenge (by John Prine))
I'm as wicked as I can be,
And no one here likes to see
The terrible things I like to do and like to say.
And now the party has just begun
I'm going to ruin their party fun
I'm going to get revenge
and I'm going to make them pay.
I'll give him a zap and a whack,
Oh don't try to hold me back
I'll make sure he's dead or in jail
The Librarian's time has come
I've got him under my thumb
Sweet revenge, sweet revenge, will prevail.
I'll tear him limb from limb
I'll tar and feather his skin
I'll make him pay for the way he's treated me.
He can't escape me now,
He can take his final bow.
As the curtain falls and he becomes history.
I'll give him a zap and a whack
Oh don't try to hold me back
I'll make sure he's dead or in jail
The Librarian's time has come
I've got him under my thumb
Sweet revenge, sweet revenge will prevail
Without fail.
He's Always A Puppy
(She's Always A Woman)
He can kill with his smile
He can wound with his claws
He can flatten a house with his gigantic paws
With one wag of his tail he can knock down a tree
He's built like a tank, but he's always a puppy to me
Though you lead him to food
He might still try to eat you
You lose half your face
When his tongue tries to greet you
So if you like living then from him you'll flee
He's killed fifteen men but he's always a puppy to me
Yeah, he takes care of himself
He can fly if he wants
He's got sixty foot wings
Oh, and he likes to steal gold
And he's quite fond of jewels
And of hobbits with rings
He's always unkind
And he's quite often cruel
He got a D plus in obedience school
His breath is so bad it sets fire to trees
And the worst he will do is incinerate you
But he's always a puppy to me
Take Me Home, Ruby Shoes
(Take Me Home, Country Roads)
VAL: Almost heaven, Waterloo-oo
I'm in hist'ry, on my skis for Reading Week
Profs are old here, older than the trees
Younger are the tutors
They're the ones I tease
ALL: Ruby shoes, take me home to the page, I belong
WATSON: London England
RANGER: Hi-ho, Silver
ALL: ake me home, Ruby shoes
KEN: I hear the noise of a beer lid snapping open,
The sound of it reminds me of a 2-4 in my fridge,
And thoughts of all that brew give me the feeling
That I've got to go right away, right away
(KEN RUNS OFF STAGE)
ALL: Ruby shoes, take me home To the page, I belong
GLINDA: Emerald City
ROGET: Village, hamlet
ALL: Take me home, Ruby shoes
Nightmare Believer
(Daydream Believer)
GLINDA: Oh yes I know that your head
Came from someone lately dead
I don't mind, you hardly even smell
I promise never to whine
That you were made by Frankenstein
I could make you every bit as well.
Oh my monster dear
Put aside your fear
I'm a nightmare believer
And I'm glad to have you here.
Come and take my hands
As my heart expands
I don't care who they came from
Just as long as you have glands.
FRANK: Oh Glinda, pardon my doubt
I don't think you've thought this out
Our two books reside on different shelves
We can't resolve all of these
Incompatibilities
We are stuck with living by ourselves.
GLINDA: Oh you monstrous dope
You know we can cope
I'm a nightmare believer
I refuse to give up hope.
If you go away
I'll write you every day
And I'll send all my loving to you
If there is a way.
On The Star Ship Enterprise
(On The Good Ship Lollypop)
SPOCK: On the star ship Enterprise
On a Star Trek, flying through the skies
From place to place...
Through the reaches of outer space
CREW: At warp speed, we travel far
Every show we go from star to star
On a five year trip
In this godforsaken ship
SPOCK: And then when our journey's done
We can all go and have some fun
Then with a snap...
Cut the Shirley Temple crap.
CREW: Boop boop be doop!
The Crew in the Bright White Spaceship
(The Boys in the Bright White Sportscar)
Here we come, the crew in the bright white spaceship
Warping our way through space
Hopping from start to star
And how did we get this far?
Trouble now, our engines are over-loading
Attackers on every side
And soon we expect to be
Cancelled by NBC.
La, la la la, la, la la la, la...
La, la la la, la, la la la, la...
Sherwood Forest
(Oklahoma)
Sherrrrrrrrwood forest is the home of Robin's merry men.
Where we singing bards evade the guards
that the Sheriff sends from Nottingham.
Robin Hood, yes he's the leader of our merry band
So we all cavort, in lustful sport
but we stay away from Marian.
For she is our dear Robin's maid
so we know we cannot get her laid.
We raise a hoooo-oooot
For Robin and his loooo-oooot
But when it comes down to sharing his maiden,
Robin Hood is a self-centred, egotistical, possessive,
imbicilic, arrogant, scum and jerk......to boot!
Bond
(One)
Bond, he's the secret agent
Baby, baby, he's the best.
Bond, he's got all the gadgets
and a bullet-proof vest.
The bad guys know him as super-spy O-O-seven
And if Bo Derek's a ten, then he's eleven.
Bond, never plays it dirty,
though he must know all the tricks.
Bond, pushing over thirty,
he just does it for kicks.
One smile and suddenly women all start to dance
They know they'll never be lonely inside his pants.
Bond, never missed a target
when he's on or off the job
Never dresses like a slob, you know, so
(WITH FEELING) OOOh, sigh
Give me your attention.
Do I
Really need to mention...
He's James Bond.
On The Cover Of The Roman Tome
(On The Cover Of The Rolling Stone)
Well, we're big politicians,
We got big ambitions
And we plot everywhere we go.
We plot about treason
And we plot about coups,
And soon we'll be running the show.
We plot all kinds of kills
To give us all kinds of thrills,
But the biggest thrill in Rome
Is the thrill that'll hitcha
When they carve your picture
On the cover of The Roman Tome.
Roman Tome
(Gonna see my picture on the cover)
Tome
(Gonna buy V copies for my mother)
Tome
(Gonna see my smilin' face)
On the cover of The Roman Tome
In the grand ol' tradition
Of crime and sedition,
We're knockin' off the boss of Rome.
We've got good ol' noble Brutus
Driving the dagger home.
That should give indeed,
The high we need,
But that high won't really hit home
Like the high that'll hitcha
When they carve your picture
On the cover of The Roman Tome.
Roman Tome
(Gonna see my picture on the cover)
Tome
(Gonna buy V copies for my mother)
Tome
(Gonna see my smilin' face)
On the cover of The Roman Tome
On the cover of The Roman Tome.
Look What FASS Did To My Play
(Look What They've Done To My Song)
SHAKESPEARE: Look what FASS did to my play, ma
Why did they do it that way
They condensed it down to a single scene
So I'll make those writers pay, ma
For what FASS did to my play.
Look how FASS shows Ancient Rome, ma
Would Caesar call this place home?
There was no Tonight Show goin' on
And there was no Roman Tome, ma
When I portrayed Ancient Rome
(CONSPIRATORS ENTER WITH DAGGERS AND APPROACH THE GREAT LIBRARIAN FROM BEHIND)
CONSPIRATORS: They make us talk in blank verse, ma
It makes us all sound much worse
Well, you go on and on to say one thing
And it's God damned hard to curse, ma
When you must talk in blank verse.
(CONSPIRATORS LOOK AT GREAT LIBRARIAN, THEN AT SHAKESPEARE. THEY LOOK AT
EACH OTHER, NOD, AND APPROACH SHAKESPEARE INSTEAD.)
SHAKESPEARE: Look what FASS did to my play, ma
Why did they do it that way?
They condensed it down to a single scene
So I'll make those writers pay, ma
For what FASS did to my play.
Modern Great Librarian
(Modern Major General)
I am the very model of a modern Great Librarian
I know the authors African and Russian and Hungarian
I've met the kings of England
And I've seen the Delphi Oracle
While visiting books fictional
And volumes quite historical
I've learned to overcome, as well, a character's suspiciousness
And most now treat me kindly where they used to use maliciousness
From book to book I travel, in a process analytical
While making many searches for mistakes I feel are critical.
I'm very good at Physics and all matters biological
I comprehend the Zodiac and all signs astrological
In short, in matters Scorpion or Tauran or Aquarian
I am the very model of a modern Great Librarian.
I am also quite familiar with many great Canadians
From Templeton and Burton all the way to the Acadians
I love the works of Shakespeare too especially the histories
And also books more modern like the thrillers and the mysteries.
I'm very well acquainted too with textbooks economical
I often find the theories both ridiculous and comical
About library practice I have knowledge infin'tesimal
With many cheerful facts about the system Dewey Decimal.
I'm very nice to animals and always give to charity
I understand this kindness really makes me quite a rarity
In short, in matters when we need "A Great Humanitarian"
I am the very model of a modern Great Librarian.
Evil Coordinator's Song
(Who Put The Bomp)
Who gave you jobs in Mississaug-aug-a
Who made you work for forty cents an hour
Who said to write those work repo-o-orts
Who put the un in the unemploy-oyment
We were those guys
I hope you realize
We made your life so miserable for you
When you got your job
Far to the north of Elliot Lake
Where the nights are forty four below
And you heard them saying
That you would be chopping ice until December
You told us where we ought to go
Who gave you jobs in Mississaug-aug-a
Who made you work for forty cents an hour
Who said to write those work repo-o-orts
Who put the un in the unemploy-oyment
We were those guys
I hope you realize
We made your life so miserable for you
Last time you came to us
When there were no jobs around
You were asking which way to go
But every time you tried to
Find a job that was in your area
We told you that the word was "no".
Who gave you jobs in Mississaug-aug-a
Who made you work for forty cents an hour
Who said to write those work repo-o-orts
Who put the un in the unemploy-oyment
We were those guys
I hope you realize
We made your life so miserable for you.
The Book Warp
(The Time Warp)
It's astounding
Books are changing
Chaos takes control
So let me tell you
My intentions are evil
Destruction is my goal.
I remember doing the Book Warp
Setting the power high
The books started changing
And our allies were calling
Let's do the Book Warp again.
Let's do the Book Warp again.
It's just a chapter ahead
And then a page to the right
Then you play with the dial
And watch the flashing light
And the char'cter switches
Drive the readers insane
Let's do the Book Warp again
Let's do the Book Warp again.
I'm ecstatic, the books are erratic
It's emphatic-cally deranged
We take Bartlett's quotations
Send them off on gyrations
And by magic history is changed
To the Merchant of Venice
Add Dennis the Menace
To Conan add Mar'lyn Monroe
To geography text books
Add pornography sex books
Let's do the Book Warp again.
Let's do the Book Warp again.
MARY:
I was working as a drudge in the Nursery
When this guy held a bash in the Library
He sent out the call to every other book
But when he got to mine he left me out, the schnook
I paid him back for that social slight
Then fell Caesar and it served him right.
ALL:
Let's do the Book Warp again!
Let's do the Book Warp again!
Sentimental Unrequited Love Song
(I Am A Rock)
CHAPEL: A doctor's nurse in a big and lonely starship.
I am in love
Show me how to please you.
I only want to know
How to show you that I truly love you so.
I am in love,
SPOCK: I am a Vulcan.
My thoughts are alien
My heart is never open.
And none may see my soul.
I have no sense of humour.
I can feel no pain.
I only have pure logic in my brain.
CHAPEL: I am in love,
SPOCK: I am a Vulcan.
CHAPEL: I speak of love
And you've heard the word before.
It's sleeping in your memory
Yes, I could make you happy
And laugh and sing and dance
If you'd just relax and give me half a chance.
I am in love,
SPOCK: I am a Vulcan.
I can not smile
Or return your heart-felt emotions.
I am shielded from your feelings.
You have loved in vain;
Save yourself some pain;
I love no one and no one should love me.
CHAPEL: I am in love,
SPOCK: I am a Vulcan.
CHAPEL: Sometimes love turns to pain.
SPOCK: But a Vulcan never cries.
Co-op Monkeys
(We're The Monkees)
MONKEYS: Here we come.
Walkin' down the street.
We get the funniest looks from,
Everyone we meet.
BOND: (SPOKEN) Just who are these people?
MONKEYS: (SINGING)
Hey, we're co-op monkeys.
Taking anthropology
Graduated with honours.
Now we're out of our tree.
Ballad Of Moby Dick
(Ballad Of Jed Clampet)
Let me tell you all a story
I'm a man named Ish
About Ahab
Who was looking for a fish.
Then one day,
Moby Dick comes into view.
Says Captain Ahab:
I'm a gonna get you.
(FRANK:) Moby Dick.
Great White Whale.
Next thing you know
The crew's a mutinyin'
The whale hits the ship
And lets all the sea in.
Last thing you see
Is Ahab wavin' bye!
Call me Ishmael,
I'm the one who didn't die.
(FRANK:) American Classic.
Herman Melville
Boooring.
I Turned To Evil
(I'm Getting Married)
I turned to evil out of boredom
Goodness was numbing up my mind
Virtue was dreary
It made me weary
But evil makes me feel just fine.
I love marauding, I love to bash!
I love defrauding widows of their cash!
When I was good I felt temptation
Urges to evil that I braved
Good deeds engendered
Then I surrendered
And now my thoughts are all depraved.
I think of looting, I think of sex
I think of wringing cocker spaniel necks.
I have no use for human goodness
But evil makes me feel
Evil makes me feel
Wicked, sinful, awful, bad, and fine!
No Evil
(No Business)
EVERYONE:
There's no evil like our evil
Like no evil we know
We think that our evil is quite chilling.
We think that our lifestyle is so grand.
I don't think there's anything as thrilling
As when we're killing the folks at hand.
There's no murder like mass murder
Like no murder we've known
Line them up against the wall and mow 'em down
Rat tat tat tat, they hit the ground
Next day at the station house your name is down
Beside Reverend Jim Jones.
(EVIL PRODUCTION DANCERS)
The rapists, the muggers, dictators and thugs
The criminals you find in every town
The lawyers, the doctors, the pushers of drugs
Who do their dirty work without a sound.
Our work ranks with the best and you can tell
You'll never trace our victims by the smell.
There's no meanies like us meanies
Like no meanies around
We're the worstest meanies and you can tell
Cuz we can't spell
Or rhyme too good
So why don't you join up, my child, and be a hood?
And kill and maim like you should!
Bye, Bye Mary
(Herod's Song)
HERBIE: Bookmark, I am overjoyed to have you under arm
Now I know the library will come to no more harm
Mmm, I can send you back where you belong
Even get the kind of guts it takes to sing this song:
Oh now I'm in charge, yes, I'm truly in charge.
I can read a teacher's scrawl,
Find my way through Hagey Hall
Now I can rule, have my own Ridgid Tool,
So now, Mary watch out!
MARY: Herbert, I just can't believe the things that you have said.
Suddenly, I come to think that you may want me dead.
There must be something on which we can agree.
Maybe I can bribe you with an honours Arts degree!
You should stay in your place,
Learn to stay in your place.
Get back at my elbow here, grovel like an engineer.
Do as I say, and I'll give you an 'A'!
Herbert, do as you're told!
(HEADS OFF BUT SUDDENLY STOPS FROZEN)
HERBIE: Hey! Stop right there in your tracks,
Ugly old battle axe!
You have had your way with me!
Lock her up and lose the key.
Take her away, it's a wonderful day.
Get out you rotten old, get out you rotten old,
Get out you rotten old bitch!
Closing Song
(Cabaret Medley)
(WILKOMMEN)
It's time to close the show, sadly
We'd like to stay a while, gladly
But we can't do this and earn a degree
We all have midterms and we have to pee
We hope you had some fun, here at
FASS 83, FASS 83, FASS 83.
(TWO LADIES)
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, Cadabra.
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, And abra.
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, These are the magic words, ya!
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, A Hocus!
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, A Pocus!
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, To send us back!
(TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME)
Oh, Library, Library charges us fines
Pay up or you lose your degree
You don't get it back if you cry and whine
Tomorrow they're after me.
(CABARET - ELSIE PART)
We once had a villain known as Mary
She messed things up and it got rather scary
On choosing help she wasn't very prudent
In fact it seems she chose a co-op student
Now she's gone and soon will be forgotten
Her hired hand is not so mean and rotten
But something that he said fills us with fear
We recall that he was an engineer!
Time to get up now, get off of the floor!
We can't go on you see.
That's it for eighty-three, dear friends.
That's it for eighty-three.
And as for we, as for we...
We'll go back to our books like Mary
You'll find us in the library!
We will return, yes, in FASS eighty-four
Just you come back and see.
Time for a party, and a beer
So long, we'll see you back next year
That's it for '83!!!!
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