![[description below]](/2002/photos/2002-07.jpg)
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FASS 2002: Laura Kraft (Erin Rogozinski) leads a bunch of eccentric artifact collectors on the hunt for the cursed star-spangled duck.
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Fed Hall Song
(Meaning Of Life Universe Song)
Just remember that you're standing
On a campus that's expanding
And is growing by a building every year.
It's second home to 13,000 scholars and their dollars
Mostly go towards the purchasing of beer.
The profs and you and me
And all the students you can see
Voted me to get a pub without a catch.
But with the plans selected
Adding doors had been neglected,
And so the architects must start from scratch.
The hall is nicer yet
Than the 'Loo or Coronet
And certainly less tacky than the Kent
For dancing space the hall
Will make the Motor Inn look small
And best of all we will not pay a cent of rent.
The area was scanned
To find the perfect piece of land;
I suggested north of U. of Waterloo.
But then Administration
Built a rink on my location.
Surprise, surprise - you pay for that one too.
Your Federation Hall
Will be completed in the fall,
That's September 7th, 1994.
Let me make all decisions,
Choose the architect's revisions.
The budget's set, we can't afford the floor.
The students will adore it
You've already voted for it
You support it but the soil structure won't.
And so your mezzanine
Will be the best you've ever seen,
Or maybe not, well now you see it, now you don't.
Putting On A Show
(Singin' In The Rain)
We're putting on a show
Just putting on a show
What a glorious feel....
I Would Travel
(If I Only Had)
I would travel any vector
Or sleep with the director
To get a part in FASS.
I would sing the songs in showers
Memorize my lines for hours
If I had a part in FASS.
FASS
(Hair)
DIR: She asked me why
I'm such a harried guy
I'm harried noon and night
FASS is my plight
I'm in a theatre show
Don't ask me why --
ALL: Don't know.
DIR: It's not for lack of work
I must be a jerk.
SOLO1: Please sir,
ALL: Give me a part in FASS,
Any part in FASS
Bit part, silent,
Speakin' singin' dancin'
SOLO2: Gimme a role with class --
ALL: FASS!
SOLO2: Half a page or longer
GRP-A: Here laughter!
GRP-B: There singing!
ALL: Everywhere entertainment!
SOLOS: FASS!
GRP-A: FASS, FASS, FASS,
GRP-B: FASS, FASS, FASS.
ALL: Lectures, midterms,
Nothing matters once I'm in FASS
ALL: You've got me down on my knees
And I'm caught in a squeeze
I'm beggin' you please
Give me FASS.
I'll pay all my fees,
I'll learn my soliloquys,
I sing on key, so please pick me.
For singin', actin', backstage work in
FASS!
GRP-A: FASS, FASS, FASS,
GRP-B: FASS, FASS, FASS.
ALL: Lectures, midterms,
Nothing matters once I'm in FASS.
ALL: I'll make it fast, slow,
Hairy, scary, shifty, nifty,
Punny, funny, silly,
Dicey, spicy, dancing,
Moving, grooving, energetic,
Comic, gastronomic,
Drastic, plastic, spastic,
Witty, pretty, prehistoric,
Plotless, thoughtless,
Spotless, sophomoric!
TECH: Oh say, can you see
All the cast? If you can
Then our lights too bright
ALL: Bring them down,
Down to here, down to there,
Down to where it gets very dark
Doodle loo doo doo, doodle loo doo doo
Doodle loo doo doo, doodle loo doo doo
All my lines I will be botching,
And my parents will be watching,
My friends will laugh at me as I miss all of my lines.
An audience before me
Hallejujah, they adore me
Hallejujah, now I'm in the show
Why isn't FASS on Broadway?
SOLOS: FASS!
GRP-A: FASS, FASS, FASS,
GRP-B: FASS, FASS, FASS.
ALL: Lectures, midterms,
Nothing matters once I'm in FASS.
GRP-A: FASS, FASS, FASS,
GRP-B: FASS, FASS, FASS.
ALL: FASS!
Costa Living
(One Way Or Another)
Here in Costa Living-- on the ocean
There's lots of beaches beaches beaches beaches
Come on a safari-- in the jungle
And you'll see creatures creatures creatures creatures
Then go to our farms and-- our plantations
Where they grow peaches peaches peaches peaches
Life is so much fun here
Gaze at the ocean so clear
While drinking cheap beer
People are so happy-- and contented
And life is pleasant pleasant pleasant pleasant
All day work the fields and-- earn two dollars
If you're a peasant peasant peasant peasant
But if you own land and-- you are wealthy
Then you eat pheasant pheasant pheasant pheasant
This is a true paradise
Come here where everything's nice
Except for the lice
I Got Flu, Babe
(I Got You, Babe)
SUNNY: You say I'm sick and I'm not well
FAIR: And that contagion's shot our love to hell
SUNNY: Well I guess I know that all that's true
But you've got me, and me, I've got the flu...
FAIR: Babe, you've got flu, babe...
SUNNY: Yes, the flu, babe...
Raw-nold Ray-gan!
(New York, New York)
Start testing the cruise,
Start laying the plans,
It's time to re-elect the man,
Raw-nold Ray-gan!
Keep piling up arms,
Destruction for all,
He is a great Republican,
Raw-nold Ray-gan!
CHORUS:
He wants to govern in a country reduced to ash!
At a loss of thousands of years,
Millions of lives,
Billions in cash!
Keep nuking those Reds!
Wherever they are!
He's going to put an end to them,
Raw-nold Ray-gan!
FINALE:
If we're to be the best,
We've got to nuke the rest,
We've got the man,
Raw-nold Ray-gan!
Burger King
(Burger King)
We don't let McDonald's get us
Quarter Pounders don't upset us
They use polyester lettuce
Some people say
Have it your way
Have it your way
Have it your way at Burger King
Have it your way
Have it your way
Have it your way at Burger King
This Gland Is Your Gland
(This Land Is Your Land)
This gland is your gland, this gland is my gland
We'll take your skin too, because it's sun tanned.
Monty's Duet
(Various Tunes)
MONTY: I'm a testament to failing mental health,
When I woke up today, I wasn't just myself.
PUPPET: You bet -- I'm here to stay!
MONTY: You're the outcome of a mental overload
You're an entire psychotic episode.
Let's face it, it's true:
I'm just crazy about you.
MONTY: Care to dance?
PUPPET: Love to.
(MONTY AND PUPPET DO SOFT-SHOE TO THE TUNE OF
TEA FOR TWO)
MONTY: Time
PUPPET: (Time)
MONTY: af-
PUPPET: (af-)
MONTY: ter
PUPPET: (ter)
MONTY: time,
MONTY: I'm
PUPPET: (I'm)
MONTY: of
PUPPET: (of)
MONTY: two
PUPPET: (two)
MONTY: minds
PUPPET: Anything you can do, I can do better
I can do anything better than you
MONTY: No you can't
PUPPET: Yes, I can
MONTY: No you can't
PUPPET: Yes I can
MONTY: No you can't
PUPPET: Yes, I can
(TANGO RIFF)
MONTY: Why are you so overbearing and competitive?
PUPPET: I'm number two, so I try harder.
MONTY: I was lonely
PUPPET: (He was lonely)
MONTY: Now I'm never alone.
I'm going to get a party line for my telephone.
I believe you're more than just a toy
And frankly, I'm beside myself,
I'm just beside myself,
Siegfried, I'm beside myself with joy.
Docilenol
(Memory)
Each night I stare into the blue light
And I witness a strange sight
That creeps into my home
With its glamour, this vision casts me under a spell
And a voice begins to drone
Memorex
Is it live? Is it Memorex?
I've developed a complex
I'm unable to choose
I remember the time I had the power to decide
Now I'm easy to confuse
Each ad tells me different things
It's left me in a quandary
I never knew that I could have such trouble
Just doing my bloody laundry
Teach me
It's so easy to lead me
When this pill that you feed me
Takes my freedom of choice
If you tell us exactly what you'd like us to buy
We'll answer with one voice
Gentlemen Prefer Pain
(Gentlemen Prefer Haines)
When your sex life is a loss
Show your lover who's the boss
Gentlemen prefer pain.
When the hot tub seems old hat
Discipline him with a bat:
Gentlemen prefer pain.
You can dominate your husband,
Bind and gag him
Whips and leather high-heeled shoes
Give your man the black-and-blues
Gentlemen prefer pain.
Blow Up Big Mother With The Bomb
(Up The Ladder To The Roof)
Can't you see
Can't you see
That we must turn around and fight
Now we have seen the light
Oh-oh-oh
Why not try and guide her
A better time
A brighter day
Don't be afraid to blow up Big Mother with the bomb
So we can be free from our masters
Blow up Big Mother with the bomb
So we can be living in freedom
Today's the day
Now's the time
To throw computers from our lives
Restore our basic rights
Oh-oh-oh
Tyrrany
Shall cease to be
Gonna do something for the cause
We're gonna throw our chains away
Take a chance and blow up Big Mother with the bomb
So we can be free from our masters
Blow up Big Mother with the bomb
So we can be living in freedom
Stomp her!
Kill her!
Waste her!
Blow Big Mother to heaven
Blow Big Mother to heaven
Blow Big Mother to heaven
Grenayda/Grenahda
(Let's Call The Whole Thing Off)
ELVIRA: I say Grenayda and you say Grenahda
MARY: I say Bahaymas and you say Bahahmas
ELVIRA: Grenayda
MARY: Grenahda
ELVIRA: Bahaymas
MARY: Bahahmas
ALL: Let's call the whole thing off.
Power To The People
(Consider Yourself)
Consider yourself set free.
Consider yourself not under tyranny.
We've taken complete control,
And healthy food is our only goal.
We've taken away junk food.
We've given you kelp and multivitamins.
We want you to all eat right,
And get eight hours of sleep each night.
And if you take a bucket full of niacin,
Add some thiamin, and stir,
Then you add a pinch of citrate-bufferred iodine,
It will make you gag for sure.
We're doing it all for you,
There's no need to swear or cuss,
And if an all-granola menu suits your taste,
Consider yourself one of us.
In The Subway
(Feelin' Groovy)
Watch out, the mugger's slick
He gonna cut you to the quick
Lose your guts and leave you lay
Life ain't easy in the subway.
Blood is spurting, heads are rolling
Deathwatch beetles come a-strolling
Rigor mortis and decay
It's just what happens in the subway.
Our Plot
(Captain of the Queen's Navy)
MONTY: Once I was the man who ruled this land
And ruled it all with an iron hand
I drugged your junk food by the ton
And then I was evicted by a re-bell-yun
PUPPETS: The people who ate health food had a re-bell-yun
MONTY: While I was off in a foreign land,
The health food people hatched a fiendish plan.
But their regime wasn't too much fun,
So I became the leader of a rebell-yun.
PUPPETS: So the peasants wanted aiding
Food was all bio-degrading,
And he came to lead the peasants
In their re-bell-yun
Another Fruitcake
(Don't Cry For Me, Argentina)
SERGEANT: It won't be easy, you'll think it strange
When I try to explain to you all
How a lowly drill sergeant could foil all your plans
You won't believe me
You'll grill me to find out my partners in fraud
But I'll gladly meet death face to face
In front of a firing squad.
I had to help the rebels, I had to fight
Couldn't stay all my life at your heels
Watching all of my countrymen die by your hands
So I chose freedom
Dreaming the day your regime's overthrown
But I can't share the blame for my crimes
I acted entirely alone.
VICTORIA: Don't lie for me, Sergeant Tina,
The truth is, we worked together
Though we were comrades in the resistance
To avoid suspicion we kept our distance.
And while we're on the subject, I have to say
I've never known any so brave
And I've fallen in love with you head over heels
SERGEANT: My dear Victoria
My feelings for you are exactly the same
I dream of your kiss all the time. (SOBBING)
I love you and I'm thrilled you love me.
VICTORIA: Don't cry for me, Sergeant Tina,
If we must die, we die together
The grand finales of all creation
Shall never rival our consummation
Have I said too much?
There's nothing more I can think of to say to you.
BOTH: But all you have to do is look at us to know
That our love is true.
Backsliding Anthem
(Tomorrow)
MONTY: The gun will come out tomorrow
PETTY & CO: We'll be back in business by tomorrow, don't be glum
COMM. UNLTD.: We won't do without, tomorrow
We won't have to beg and scrounge and borrow like we're scum
REBELS: If the government tries more lies and tyranny
We can say go to hell
And rebel
Again
ALL: The fun will come out tomorrow
We'll go back to causing pain and sorrow and dismay
Tomorrow, tomorrow, we'll backslide tomorrow
And it's only a day away.
Resolution
(Revolution)
You say you want a resolution
Well you know
We all want to end the play
You say that there's no real solution
Well you know
There is truth in what you say
But if you want meaning and purpose, a touch of class,
Brother, you shouldn't have ever come out to FASS.
FASSDance
(What A Feeling)
First he was nothing but a guy with a dream
To be loved by the one who had captured his heart
All alone Reggie planned to secure Vicki's hand
And to show he's a hunk made of steel
What a hero! Used to be zero!
In the violent fray now his life means so much more
He is smashin' and heads he's bashin'
He can hack and slay like a maniac on the floor
(He's a maniac, maniac on the floor
And he's fightin' like he's never fought before)
Now Reggie has pride, he's a champion inside
Oh in FASS anyone can get lucky like him
What a hero! (Reggie's cuter now)
Not a zero! (Not a neuter now)
Now he's come alive and he's fightin' for his life
He is smashin' (Not a relic now)
Heads he's bashin' (A Tom Selleck now)
He's a superman unless cut off by a knife
What a hero...
CIA Song
(Union Label)
So look for the covert agent
When you are touring a small foreign land
Remember somewhere, someone is spying--
Fun
(Tomorrow)
The fun will come out tomorrow
And erase the memory of sorrow from today
Tomorrow, tomorrow, elation tomorrow
It's only a day awimbaway
Awimbaway, awimbaway, awimbaway
Awimbaway, awimbaway, awimbaway, awimbaway
More
(Sweet Georgia Brown)
Nothing to look forward to but FASS '85.
Nothing lights our appetites like FASS '85.
More laughs, more songs
However will we get along
Until the thrill that gives us chills,
That's FASS '85.
Ba da-ba-ba ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba ba-da-ba
Ba ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba
Ba-ba-ba ba-da-ba
More
(In The Jungle)
Bring the lights down and drop the curtain
On 1984
We've been better, but we've been worse than
In 1984.
We'll keep trying till we get it right.
We'll expect you here one year tonight.
Here's the ending, the big FASS ending
The hero gets the girl
In the ending like all FASS endings
We've overthrown the world.
We've been waiting for Act II Scene 5
We'll be back in 1985.
The closing song, the closing song,
The closing song, the closing song...
