Opening Song
(Washington Post)
Dum da-dah, da-dum-da,
Dum da-dah, da-dum-da,
Dum da-dah da-dah da-dah da-dah da-dum Dah!
Oh, this is the FASS show, FASS show, FASS show,
And, really, we hope you think it's good,
Although it goes longer than it should.
'Cause this is the FASS show, FASS show, FASS show,
We're doing in Nineteen Eighty-five!
We're glad that we finally got the chance,
(MaybeWe'reGoodAndYetMaybeWe'reBad)
(AndYetMaybeNobodyCanTell)
To sing you a song, (MaybeNobodyCanTell)
Or do you a dance. (MaybeNobodyCanTell)
We hope that you'll get the jokes and laugh,
(MaybeWe'reGoodAndYetMaybeWe'reBad)
(AndYetMaybeNobodyCanTell)
Because, you see, this is the point of a FASS show.
And now it's time to introduce the characters,
Because, without them, we would have no show.
(WithoutThemWeCouldn'tPresentTheShow)
And if we may, we'd like to say,
We're going to rhyme their names off,
Just because we thought you'd like to know!
(Oh no they don't!) Oh yes they do!
(Oh no they don't!) Oh yes they do!
(Oh no they don't!) They do! (They don't!)
They do! (They don't!) DO!
The Superheroes are all here to do good deeds,
(Please pay no heed--, anything they have to say,)
Upholding Truth and Mom and Apple Pie!
(Not even worth-- all-the-air they'll use)
So never mind the other slime,
They're here to practice evil
(We are the best, forget the rest,)
(We've got the whole thing sewn up,)
Keep your eyes on us, we're gonna fly!
(Never mind those guys, they're going to lose!)
FASS!
Into The End Zone
(Laverne & Shirley Theme)
ALL: We're gonna do it!
HEROES: Give us any ground, we'll take it!
Show us any leg, we'll break it!
We're gonna walk all over you,
Into the end zone!
VILLAINS: Gettin' ready for the sack now,
Gonna kill your quarterback now,
And punt the pieces back to you,
Into the end zone!
ALL: There is nothing we won't try!
Never heard the word "unethical"!
This time, there's no stopping us!
Go for the end zone!
HEROES: Electrocute the forward tackle!
Listen to the current crackle!
VILLAINS: Turn their defensive line to stew
ALL: Let's get to it!
Fighting, and biting,
First down and ninety-two,
Then watch the slow-motion replay
Makin' our dreams come true
Here at FASS U. !
Cockroachman
(Spider-Man Theme)
Cockroachman, Cockroachman
Eats whatever a cockroach can
He can go, anywhere
See him crawl over there
Look out, here comes the Cockroachman.
In a garbage heap
At the scene of a crime,
Like a crawling creep,
He'll arrive just in time.
Cockroachman, Cockroachman,
Lives inside of a garbage can,
Village food he can eat
This includes mystery meat.
Look out, here comes the Cockroachman!
The Director's Lament
(Maria/Tonight)
Director
I've just been acclaimed the director.
And suddenly I see Horizons spreading out for me!
Direct. Direct.
I've wanted to direct
And now I have my chance to do FASS
Direct, Direct.
To make it all correct,
To take charge, to make good, to kick ass.
The script is not what I had asked for,
The dialogue's not clever,
But neither is the cast.
But all in all,
I'd say it's been a ball.
And if next year they ask me I will
DIRECT!
Lightsabers
(Life Savers Commercial)
Tweet-Tweet Twiddle-Twiddle
There's gonna be a hero with a hole in the middle.
Tweet-Tweet Twiddle-Twiddle
We'll slice those heroes up and we'll chop 'em real little.
Light-sabers Yeah yeah yeah
There's gonna be
There's gonna be
There's gonna be a hero with a hole in his middle.
Light-sabers Yeah yeah yeah
Light-sabers.
Knock'em Out Cold
(Tell Him)
VILLAINS: We know what is the most fun,
It's breaking peoples' heads,
Acting like Atilla the Hun,
And mutilating.
So we're challenging you
To a knock-down fight.
We will murder you
At Fed Hall tonight.
Punch them where they'll feel like they're on fire,
Kick them where their voices will go higher,
Sock 'em, block 'em, shock 'em, knock 'em out cold.
HEROES: Heroes don't get mad,
And they are never bad,
And heroes never grumble.
Since we obey the rules,
We must not fight you fools,
We will not rumble. Oh, no...
VILLAINS: Be at Fed Hall before eight
'Cause we will bring a bomb.
And if you arrive there too late,
We'll detonate it.
But you won't show up
'Cause you have no guts.
And we'll say that your
Mothers all were sluts.
HEROES: Punch them where they'll feel like they're on fire,
Kick them where their voices will go higher,
ALL: Sock 'em, block 'em, shock 'em, knock 'em out cold.
All I Want Is A Liberal Arts Degree
(All I Want Is A Room In Bloomsbury)
CAP: A life of strife does not appeal to me at all.
Do you agree at all?
BO: I do
CAP: The mere idea of being a world saviour is,
So very dangerous.
BO: That's true.
CAP: I've got a rather safer sort of life in mind
It's something more refined, to do.
Would you care to hear about it dear?
BO: Would I care to, can you doubt it dear?
CAP: All I want is a lib-ral arts degree (not in chemistry)
It's devoid of all prac-tical-ity (really useless)
I'll study literature (books)
And I'll understand Freud (superego)
I'll be quite scholarly (egghead)
Though I may be unemployed. (He needs a job.)
CAP: I will quote from Shakespeare
To pass the time (is this a dagger)
While I am waiting in
The welfare line. (on the pogey)
I'll wait on tables
Or clean out stables
But oh how happy I'll be (he'll be happy)
With my dear little liberal arts degree
BO: All I want is a lib-ral arts degree (she wants one too)
I will major in Greek philosophy. (Aristotle)
I'll study the arcane (what's that)
The obscure and abstruse (oh ya)
I'll treat with high distain (rain in Spain)
Anything of any use. (Oh baby)
I will read all the works (everything)
Of Socrates (shoes and Socrates)
While my OSAP provides
A life of ease. (We'll get a stereo)
BOTH: We'll seek enjoyment
In unemployment
And contemplation when we
Graduate with a liberal arts degree
We're Off To See The Fed Hall
(We're Off To See The Wizard)
We're off to see the Fed Hall
Called Allison's Palace and Grill
It's going to be a heckuva place
Or when it gets done it will!
Despite the exorbitant cost there was
We're happy to spend the cash because
Because, Because, Because, Because, Because...
INSULT: Why did we spend all that money?
CARLA: To raise the prestige of the school.
SLIME: To give us a new place to throw up.
CPK: To satisfy the meglomaniacal cravings of one man!
ALL: (KNOWINGLY) Oh, Right!
Because anything that he wants, he does!
We're off to see the Fed Hall
Called Allison's Palace and Grill!
Superheroes Gonna Rumble Tonight
(Betty-Lou's Getting Out Tonight)
ALL SUPERHEROES:
Have you heard the news, it's all over the school,
Those supervillains, they've broken the rule,
Sent us a message, be here by eight,
So now we're here, today is the date.
They want to rumble, they want to fight!
Superheroes are gonna rumble tonight!
They got a message that Bessie won't pay,
They've lost their funding, it's taken away.
So now they're finished, they're out on the street,
Holes in the pockets, nothing to eat.
They want to rumble, they want to fight
Superheroes gonna rumble tonight!
Superheroes gonna rumble tonight! (Sing with us)
Superheroes gonna rumble tonight!
They is bad,
Big Bessie got mad!
Now rumour has it, that they're uptight.
All the school is getting ready to fight,
Superheroes gonna rumble tonight!
Beat em up!
Knock em down!
Beat em up!
Knock em down!
They want to rumble, they want to fight!
Superheroes gonna rumble tonight!
Know what you're thinking, it comes in quite clear.
Who's going to watch them, when we're stuck in here.
Well don't you worry, we'll get them today,
Beat them so bad, they won't move 'til May.
They want to rumble, they want to fight!
Superheroes gonna rumble tonight!
With Bat Like Tread
(With Cat Like Tread)
VILLAINS: A disgruntled band of villains we,
Who have no more a faculty,
Are coming to set our anger free,
And kill off all the good guys.
FASS: Hush, Hush, I hear them,
On the Fed Hall poaching,
With ragged song,
The villains are approaching.
VILLAINS: We'll make you quail, we'll make you run,
We'll zap with you with our disrupter gun,
Then send you off to kingdom come
And thus get all our funding.
HEROES: They'll send us off to Kingdom Come!
VILLAINS: We'll send you off to Kingdom Come!
BOTH: We'll send you off to Kingdom Come!
And thus will get the funding!
FASS : They come in force,
So let us hide,
We'll get them once
They are inside.
VILLAINS: With Rat-like tread,
Upon our foes we creep.
To get our bread,
And make their loved ones weep.
No quarter give,
We'll beat them black and blue.
They won't live,
When we are through!
HEROES: To Kingdom Come, to Kingdom Come.
VILLAINS: So wickedly the villains plot,
So we can get what we have not.
Come friends in villainy
Let's steal children's candy,
Wouldn't it be dandy?
And with our evil deeds,
Convince them of our funding needs.
DARTH: Here's your Brass Knuckles
And your Bo Stick
The Croaking Device,
To make the Frog man sick.
Your special ray gun,
Your dark glasses seize
Take your Bolo,
To bring them to their knees.
HEROES: To Kingdom Come,
VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread,
HEROES: To Kingdom Come,
VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread,
VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread,
About Fed Hall we glide.
Searching all,
The places heroes hide!
We want to fight,
For that's our evil plot.
We'll kill to gain
The funding they have got
Come friends of villainy,
Let's kick little puppies,
Then be cruel to guppies.
And with our evil deeds,
Convince them of our funding needs.
VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread,
About Fed Hall we glide.
Searching all,
The places heroes hide!
Come friends of villainy,
Let's kick little puppies,
Then be cruel to guppies.
And with our evil deeds,
Convince them of our funding needs.
VILLAINS: With Bat-like tread,
About Fed Hall we glide.
Searching all,
The places heroes hide!
We Are The Pros
(Anything Goes)
GOOD GUYS: If those villains think that they're the best,
Tell them to just compare the rest,
'Cause it shows,
We are the pros.
Villains acting reprehensible,
Will find they're indefensible,
We suppose.
We are the pros.
They'll find we're here tonight
Cause it's clear tonight
That good's good tonight
As it should tonight
And we will fight tonight
To make it right tonight
And the problem we will close
So come on all you damn misanthropists
We're gonna fight you and throw fists
At your nose
We are the pros!
Beating up the Twits
(Putting on the Ritz)
BAD GUYS: If you're rude and superheroes you exclude
Come out with us and join the blitz
Beating up the twits.
We use words those superheroes never heard
We dug them out of our Berlitz
Beating up the twits.
We will beat and kick the superheroes.
We will try to make them disappear, Oh!
They'll be zeroes!
Those good guys are gonna get a big surprise
When we kill off Timmy Lipshitz,
Beating up the twits.
That's How it Percolates
(Hokey Pokey)
You'll flip the back door up
You turn the tread mill down
You fill the hop with beans
and you bake them til they're brown
You fill the tank with water and you heat it til it's hot
That's how it percolates.
(FASTER)
You turn the grinder on
You twist the filter tight
You freeze it till it's froze,
then you dry it till it's right
You put it in a bucket
and you leave it over night
That's how it saturates.
(FASTER STILL)
You put the record on
You turn the lights down low
And then you tell it lies that you think it wants to know
You push it, then you pull it,
and you press the spot marked 'G'
That's how it forni...
(SHE FAINTS AND COLLAPSES)
Escape of Mary Anne
(I Am Sixteen, Going on Seventeen)
LENNY: I once was a man
Who backed down from fights
In short, a great big zero
But now I'm a man
Who wears sexy tights
A real live super-hero (my hero)
I'm a good guy
Do-what-I-should guy
Villains don't cross my path
Vicious young thugs
And pushers of drugs
Recoil from my deadly Math
Totally unprepared are they
For probabalistic chats
Listless and weak and tired are they
When I start reading Stats
I'm a good guy, noble and daring
Loyal and good and true
I fight crime and have a good time and
Wendy, it's all for you
WENDY: I am Wendy
Used to be trendy
I know that I'm deceased
Joints are all tighter
Body is lighter
Someone should call a priest
Totally unconcerned am I
With eating daily bread
Lifeless and cold and stiff am I
Because, you see, I'm dead
Once I dreamed of fighting off bad guys
Setting the whole world free
You're a good guy, do-what-you-should guy
Won't you live for me?
They're Milking Us Dry
(Jesus Must Die)
TENOR: Now Cabbage Patch, this Rogers' jig is up!
BASS: We're losing dough, to fill his coffee cup!
BARITONE: You're right! This new caffeine machine
Is a bitter pill to swallow
SOPRANO: What then to do about Professor Rogers?
Filler of filters, king of the drips
TENOR: Those high-voltage grinders and platinum stir-sticks
BARITONE: Money for evil lost each time he sips!
SOPRANO: We cannot leave him to his own devices
Let's get that bean-brain and grind him to meat!
TENOR: If we don't stop him, the faculty's busted
BASS: Heroes and villains, all out on the street!
BARITONE: I see the Bovine Commission
Shooting the bull and milking us now
I see pasteurization
Our udder destruction, because of one cow.
ALL: One cow, one cow, a big one and how!
BARITONE: Our udder destruction, because of a cow!
ALL: One cow, one cow, a big one and how!
SOPRANO: What then to do about Besse the Bovine?
Milkable minister, queen of the herd
TENOR: We're losing blood money 'cause cows prefer coffee
BASS: Next we'll be shafted by beer-drinking birds!
BARITONE: I see villany dying
Left to go begging for what we can get
We must sabotage Rogers
With stuff that's so scary, you'll get all upset
ALL: Upset, upset, you've seen nothing yet!
BARITONE: With stuff that's so scary, you'll get all upset!
ALL: Upset, upset, you've seen nothing
Seen nothing, seen nothing yet!
I Don't Know How To End It
(I Don't Know How To Love Him)
CAP: I don't know how to end it.
I don't know what can harm me.
I only want
To kill myself,
But Damn it all, I still survive
No matter what I try,
I just don't die!
BO: I don't know how to be good
I have always been so evil.
When I was small
I took a match
And cremated my puppy dog
And then I torched the cat.
I was a brat.
BO: Should I make a stand
Fight for human rights?
Should I be opposed
To wearing sexy tights?
It's hard to steer a proper course!
What am I to do?
What am I to do?
CAP: I tried to use explosives
To put an end to my existence.
I took out half
A city block,
And gave myself a small headache,
And slightly bruised my thigh.
I just won't die!
CAP: Tried to stab myself
Barely felt a prick.
I ate village food
But I just got sick!
I even have a Supergut
And I'm still alive
Yes I'm still alive
BO: But if I learn to behave
Maybe we can be together
All I want
Is Timothy
And I will end, my life of crime
Just to let him know
BOTH: I want him/her so.
I need him/her so.
I love him/her so.
If I Only Had The Ring
(If I Only Had A Brain)
GENERIC MAN:
Oh, you could say I'm aspirin'
To be a Man of Iron,
It makes my heart go ping!
Though my marks have dropped to zero,
I could be a Super-hero
If I only had the ring.
If my failures turn to passes
And I don't skip my classes,
To have a drinking fling,
I'll get credits for my courses
And I'll battle evil forces,
If I only get the ring.
Oh, I could even fly
From hilltops or from tree to tree
Leaping from sea to shining sea,
Oh, what a treat, that trip would be!
I could utilize my powers,
Go on for hours and hours,
Just think the cheers I'd bring.
I'll be rich, I'll be famous
And you'll know what my name is
When I finally get the ring!
Viking Just Wanna Have Fun
(Girls Just Wanna Have Fun)
VAL: We set sail, we went out to sea
In our Viking ship, just my accountants and me.
We were so bored and so we sought out the sun
Cause Vikings, they wanna have fun
VIKINGS: Yo! Vikings just wanna have fun.
VAL: Book-keeping, it wasn't for us,
We work nine to five and then we get on the bus.
We'd rather drink and we have more than just one
Cause Vikings they wanna have fun
VIKINGS: Yo! Vikings just wanna have ...
VAL: Oh do you wanna know
Why we're so?
It's very simple, the worst of your fears
Cause, Vikings are all engineers
VIKINGS: Yes Vikings are all engineers.
VAL: Late at night, when you are asleep
We'll raid all your pastures and molest all your sheep.
There'll be no virgin wool when we are all done
Cause Vikings they wanna have fun
VIKINGS: Yo! Vikings just wanna have ...
VAL: Oh do you wanna know-oh-oh
Why were so oh-oh-oh
It's very simple, the worst of your fears
Cause Vikings are all engineers
VIKINGS: Yes Vikings are all engineers.
Three Commissioners
(Three Little Maids)
ALL: Three Commissioners are we,
Dumb as Bureaucrats can be,
Practiced in Redundancy!
Three Commissioners!
TAMMY: We'll decide if you get the money!
BROOKE: We might cut your faculty!
TRUDY: We might cut your faculty!
ALL: Three Commissioners
ALL: Three Commisssioners undaunted
By the fact that we're not wanted
We control what funds are granted!
Three Commissioners!
ALL: Three Commissioners!
TAMMY: Our leader's Bessie Seventonne! (ASIDE)
BROOKE: Because she's the largest one! (ASIDE)
TRUDY: Not to mention the most dumb! (ASIDE)
ALL: Three Commissioners!
TAMMY: From ten little schools take funds away!
BROOKE: Six survive but we know they
TRUDY: Can't survive very long this way
ALL: If we take their funds!
ALL: Three Commissioners uncaring
Of the reports you're preparing!
Of the sexy tights you're wearing!
Three Commissioners!
ALL: Three Commissioners!
Bessie's Gone
(For The Longest Time)
ALL: Oh, oh, oh, oh,
Now that Bessie's Gone
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
Now that Bessie's gone.
They were going to take away our funds
For the plans of Bessie Seventonne
And then we just knew
We decided what we must do
We're very happy now that Bessie's gone
They tried to protect their vicious brood
By mutating into Village food
We made our mind up
We showed them how they would wind up
We're very happy now that Bessie's gone
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
Now that Bessie's Gone
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
Now that Bessie's gone
Good and evil work together now
After knocking off that ugly cow
No lack of money
Everything is milk and honey
We're very happy now that Bessie's gone
Funding will concern us no more
We're all in the black
We've settled the score
Now we'll work together as one
We'll work as a team
And no more will we make war
BO: I have tried to think of what was right
I tried to be good with all my might
But now it's over
We'll live in a land of clover
I'm very happy now that Bessie's gone
CAP: Being good is so very nice
I like being good
We are men not mice
Maybe I can do nothing wrong
But now I have you
And it's more than I hoped for
B & C: We'll hold on together to the end
No matter what's coming round the bend
We'll take our chances
We discovered what romance is
We'll work together now that Bessie's gone
ALL: ( FADING) Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh...
Almost Heaven, Purgatory
(Country Roads)
Almost Heaven, Purgatory
Day of judgement, time to say they're sorry
Caught in limbo
What will be their fate?
Will they go to heaven?
Will they get a date?
Oh Saint Pete, please decide
Where it is, we'll reside
Up in Heaven, down in Hades
Oh Saint Pete, please decide
Will I need my catechism?
Do they practice sadomasochism?
Up in heaven,
Is it really nice?
Tell us, where should they go?
We need some advice.
Oh Saint Pete, please decide
Where it is, we'll reside
Up in Heaven, down in Hades
Oh Saint Pete, please decide.
The Judgement
(The Love Boat)
Death, exciting and new
Don't get bored, He'll be judging you
And death
Life's final reward
It's the end, there's no more of you
The judgement
Saint Peter is seeing what you have done
The judgement
Promises places for everyone
Get rid of depression
Give afterlife half a chance
And death won't hurt any more
Even hell is fun, when you know the score
It's death
Welcome aboard
You're dead!
Judgement Day
(Jamaica Farewell)
ANGELS: Back on Earth,
Where we had our birth,
We were helping little ladies all the time.
Our thoughts were good,
We did what we should,
And every hour was given to fighting crime.
(And it's) Sad to say we've passed away.
Won't be back 'till judgement day.
We had to die,
But since we never lie,
We've gone to join the flying angels in the sky.
DEVILS: Back on Earth,
Where we had our birth,
We were mean and nasty buggers all the time.
Our plots were bad,
And the cops were mad,
'Cause we were supervillains and lords of crime.
(And it's) Sad to say we've passed away.
Won't be back 'till judgement day.
We've gone to hell,
The place where sinners yell,
We see the brimstone burning bright where Satan fell.
FASS!
(FAME!)
LUCIFER: Villains, come to me,
And tell me what you see (ha ha)
You ain't seen the worst of it yet,
Eternal torment, no respite from the pain.
Come, no time to lose
And tell me what torture you choose!
I'll make you scream, yes, I'll make you pay!
'Til the final Judgement Day.
BOVINES: Hell!
DEVILS: We're going there for forever!
We're gonna burn, bake, and fry!
BOVINES: My!
DEVILS: We knew we had all this coming,
Surely we're too young to die!
BOVINES: Hell!
DEVILS: We only tried to enjoy life,
By taking stuff we couldn't buy.
BOVINES: Hell!
DEVILS: We tested all pleasures illicit,
Nothing that we wouldn't try!
BOVINES: Bake, Burn, Fry!
Bake, Burn, Fry!
Bake, Burn, Fry!
ST. PETE: Heroes, over here,
For soon before God you'll appear.
Your reward for doing things right,
Staying clean, brushing teeth every night, every night
And now you'll take wing
Into the realm where Angels sing!
You can all leave, go on, fly away.
Enjoy yourselves until Judgement Day.
BOVINES: Heaven!
HEROES: We're going there for forever!
We're going to learn how to fly!
BOVINES:. High!
BO & CAP: And we'll always be together
Because I/you gave good a try.
BOVINES: Heaven!
HEROES: We only tried to protect life,
To help normal folks hurt by crime.
BOVINES: Heaven!
HEROES: Looks like we did all the right stuff
We'll be up here for all time!
BOVINES: For all time!
For all time!
For all time!
FASS!
ALL: The show is all but through
And you've seen nothing new
Despite our efforts, we'll take the blame
The writers thwart us, the ending is always the same
So go back where you've been
And tell all your friends what you've seen
When they hear just how you complain
They'll come to see us,
and we'll have a full house again.
FASS!!
ALL: Some of the jokes were from last year.
And they'll be back never fear!
BOVINES: FASS!
ALL: So now we're off to our party!
We'll see you again in a year!
BOVINES: FASS!
ALL: The story won't be very different.
We'll still get the world in a fix.
BOVINES: FASS!
ALL: The show is now over for this year.
It's goodbye until eighty-six!
Eighty-six!
Eighty-six!
Eighty-six!
Eighty-six!
Eighty-six!
Eighty-six!
Eighty-six!
Eighty-six!
FASS!!!!!!
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