![[description below]](/2004/photos/2004-07.jpg)
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FASS 2004: Doctor Zeus (Kim Lam, right) examines Dyna McLea-Allocade (Sibylle Heidelberger) as Phyllis Sophie (Steph Casselman) looks on.
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Fire's Burning
(Fire's Burning)
JASON: Fire's burning, fire's burning,
Draw nearer, draw nearer,
In the gloaming, in the gloaming,
Come sing and be merry.
Mystery Tonight
(Comedy Tonight)
Something revealing, something revolting,
Something for everyone, a Mystery tonight!
Something suspicious, something pernicious,
Something for everyone, a Mystery tonight!
Drop off your woes, drop off your cares,
Capture the music, laughter, and scares!
We've got detectives, and their perspectives,
Hoping to make the whole thing right!
Clarity tomorrow, Mystery tonight!
(KEY CHANGE!)
Something exciting, or self-igniting,
Something for everyone, a Mystery tonight!
Something delightful, scarey and frightful,
Something for everyone, a Mystery tonight!
Ready for tricks, ready for treats,
We'll have you on the edge of your seats!
No more rehearsing, chapter and versing!
Come on, let's get on with the show!
Tragedy and sorrow,
Beg, steal or borrow,
Clarity tomorrow!
Mystery (mystery! mystery!! mystery!!! mystery!!!!)
TONIGHT!
Lucky In Love
(Rainbow Connection)
CARRIE: Why are there so many love songs for winners?
Why can't the losers sing too?
Fat people fall in love,
Jinxes get lucky.
Maybe our dreams can come true.
Surely my birthday was Friday the thirteenth
An unlucky star was above
But now that I've found you
I have a suspicion
That maybe I'm lucky in love.
JAWS: I've had a life that is heavily laden
My problems are weighty indeed.
Friendships were rarities
School was just rotten
But I had more food than I need.
Now I'm expressing things I was suppressing
It's taken a load off my mind
Cuz now that I've found you
I have a suspicion
You're what I was "weighting" to find.
BOTH: Why are there so many love songs for winners?
When you're in love it's so clear:
JAWS: You have provided a taste of good fortune
CARRIE: I'm lucky whenever you're near.
JAWS: Your kisses so tender
Make me feel more slender
CARRIE: You're the fat chance that I need.
BOTH: Cuz now that I've found you
I have a suspicion
That love's made a winner of me.
It's Got To Be A Communist Plot
(You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two)
The whole world is afraid,
For the plans that they've laid.
Anything wrong, they sing this song:
"It's got to be a Communist Plot!"
It's got to be a Communist Plot, Com-rades!
Gotta be a Communist Plot!
They decide without much thought:
"It's got to be a Communist Plot!"
Price of stock, cost of beef,
We're the cause of their grief.
The U. S. is quite a mess:
"It's got to be a Communist Plot!"
It's got to be a Communist Plot, Com-rades!
Gotta be a Communist Plot!
When the Dow Jones starts to drop:
"It's got to be a Communist Plot!"
Fire or flood, rain or shine,
Whether foul, whether fine.
All the same we'll take the blame:
"It's got to be a Communist Plot!"
It's got to be a Communist Plot, Com-rades!
Gotta be a Communist Plot.
We make weather cold or hot:
"It's got to be a Communist Plot!"
Never mind what the crime,
We're at fault half the time.
Pravda too declares it's true:
"It's got to be a Communist Plot!"
It's got to be a Communist Plot, Com-rades!
Gotta be a Communist Plot!
Children everywhere are taught:
"It's got to be a Communist Plot!"
Poor Harriet's Dead
(Do-Re-Mi/Goodnight, Farewell)
When you know the notes to sing,
There's no news you cannot bring!
HANS: I'm Hans,
FRANZ: I'm Franz,
LIESL: I'm Liesl,
LAURIE: and I'm Laurie!
ALL: We're here, it's clear,
to tell a little story.
LIESL: We're sad we have to relay information,
Because a life has met with cancellation.
HANS: The news we bring concerns the Jekyll mansion.
The owner's death requires your attention.
LAURIE: She's cold, she's stiff,
You know you can't deny it,
You knew that soon
She'd find the farm and buy it.
FRANZ: She's passed away,
You knew that she would snuff it.
And now it seems,
She's fin'lly kicked the bucket.
LIESL: She's dead.
HANS: She's dead.
ALL: She's dead!
If You Love Me, Mort
(Strangers In The Night)
Elvira: If you love me, Mort,
Do me this favour
If you love me, Mort,
You must not waver
If you love me, Mort,
You'll kill them all for me.
I just want to own this mausoleum
You can kill them slow and make them scre-um,
If you love me, Mort,
You'll kill them all for me.
Mort: I do love you so, my dear Elvira,
My heart is made of coal, my soul's on fi-ruh
How can I refuse, what option can I choose
Loving you is such a pleasure
You can have the family treasure
Elvira: So if you love me, Mort,
Do me this favour,
If you love me, Mort,
You must not waver,
If you love me, Mort,
You'll kill them all for me.
One Night In Hellhouse
(One Night In Bangkok)
WINTHROP: Hell house, horrible setting
And the victims don't know
What the victims are getting.
The creme de la creme of spooks in a zany
Mansion with everything but Lon Chaney
Time flies, been over twenty years
Since a Jekyll guest spent a full night here.
Give up, anyone alive'll
Find in the house, there's no chance of survival
It's gunshots...or poison...or impaling...or...or...
(HORRIBLE ROAR)
The cats.
ALL: One night in Hell House and your doom is certain
Your very life is hanging by a thread
You'll find a corpse behind each dusty curtain
And if you're lucky then the corpse stays dead
All the other options fill my soul with dread.
WINTHROP: One corpse is very like another
After fifteen years in the coffin, brother.
WINTHROP: This night is going to dictate
Who'll finally be heirs to the Jekyll estate.
But I present you with a warning
You'd best not stick around till morning.
(SPOKEN) At dawn each of you will receive
an equal share of the Jekyll fortune if you're
still alive.
I can't see you surviving
The kind of night that's now arriving
I'll let you stay, I'll not refuse you
But the sights you see will not amuse you.
So you'd better get back to your bars,
Your dachas, your two car garage...
ALL: One night in Hell House and the brave men shiver
Before the dawn you'll meet your destiny
One night in Hell House makes the heroes quiver
When they find a wraith to keep them company
I can feel the terror washing over me.
Zombies
(When Johnny Comes Marching Home)
When zombies come marching out of tombs
We're here, we're here
When voices are heard in empty rooms
We're here, we're here
When the werewolves howl
And the vampires bite
And the weather's foul
And the moon is right
Then the ghosts carouse
With a moan and a groan and a cheer.
When visitors step on Jekyll land
They're here, they're here
Disturbing the sleep of our spectral band
They're here, they're here
When the omens bristle
And portents fly
And the candles fizzle
And strangely die
You'll be left in the park
In the dark with the mark
Of a person whose death is near.
When earth is swallowed by night's domain
You're here, you're here
You may never see the light again
You're here, you're here
We're desperadoes...
Hearts black as soot...
So beware of shadows...
The game's afoot...
When the graves rip open
Abandon hopin'
All ye who enter here!
Immaterial Girl
(Material Girl)
Can't you see we can't be seen?
And nobody can hear us?
No one knows that we're around
And no one can get near us!
Everything's invisible;
No mortal man can view it!
Everything is insubstantial:
Put your hand right through it!
Because we live in an immaterial world
And I'm an immaterial girl.
Oh can't you see we live in an immaterial world,
And I'm an immaterial girl?
Some folks fear me, some folks jeer me
Saying I'm not there.
But I don't mind 'cause
Skeptics are the easiest to scare
Some folks try to contact me
By holding a seance
If I don't like their rituals
I'll offer no response.
CHORUS
I know I am dead and gone
But that's all right you see
Eventually those still alive
Will all be joining me
CHORUS
Death Is All For The Best
(Yes, It's All For The Best)
When you are dead
There's plenty to do
Don't shake your head!
We're talkin' to you!
If you find haunting
Daunting
Try to strut your stuff; start flaunting!
Try to get into it
There is no sin to it
When you begin to go "Boo"!
Bone up on your bones
And practise your screams
You'll find that a moan's
Not hard as it seems!
Don't forget when you're deceased's
No time to be depressed!
Death is all for the best!
It's clear that when you are a shade
You have got it made
And that being laid
In your coffin
Will help you get ahead,
No one ever said
Just because you're dead
You're nowhere!
You face it with a smirk
Never have to work
Don't even get hurt very often
You've nothing to lose now
So what do you care?
You can look into bathroom stalls
Get to walk through walls
Make telephone calls without money
See the show for free
Come through a TV
Generally be a real pest!
ALL:
Don't let it get to you
That folks can see through you
'Cause Death
Is all for the --
Death is all for the--
Death is all for the--
Death is all for the best!
The Objectionable Philosophy
(Hush Hush)
When Rant received her inspiration
She conceived of a wondrous plan.
A way to build a perfect nation,
A sort of political fantasy land.
"At last," she thought, "I know for certain
How to insure efficiency.
I'll soon lift off the government burden.
Soon reduce bureaucracy."
But all that you'll receive from her freedoms,
Much to your chagrin and dismay,
Is a rather redundant set of reasons
Why you must do whatever we say.
Work at any factory
We'll own it
Buy your food at the grocery
We'll own it
If when you receive your pay,
You would like it stored away,
Visit your bank without delay,
We'll own it.
We'll own every oil lease,
And we'll own all the politicians.
We'll control the local police,
And all the sporting competitions.
Try to avoid us if you can,
It doesn't matter what you plan,
You can move to Afghanistan,
We'll own it.
From the moment of your birth
We'll own it
To your last day on this earth
We'll own it
If you decide that you don't care,
And you refuse to pay your fare,
Don't you dare take a breath of air!
We'll own it.
A Curse On You
(Alas For You)
A curse, a curse on you, strangers and relatives,
Hypocrites that you be.
When I was old and tired and lonely,
You were too busy to visit me.
But now you're all here while my death is only
A few hours old
I'm not even cold
A curse, a curse on you, strangers and relatives,
It's your turn to lament.
So sure that you'd get your hands on my savings
You won't inherit half a cent.
And I tell you now to banish your cravings
You won't leave alive
You will not survive
Weak fools and greedy wives,
You cannot escape from this murderous hive.
Call in the police, or call in detectives,
Boozers and losers and mental defectives,
They will not save your lives
All those, Now here,
This bloody curse on you will fall.
The dawning of this coming morning.
Will mark the death of you all
A curse, a curse, a curse, on you!
(DEMONIC LAUGHTER)
C'est Moi
(C'est Moi)
Criminals, criminals,
We know they are a cowardly lot
They are terrified, terrified
Of Hercules Parrot.
They know I'll destroy every logical defense
Because my great deductions don't make sense.
A private detective has no need of witnesses
Of physical evidence or other clues
With no knowledge about the crime
He can solve it in record time,
He can point at the guilty man
And shout "J'accuse" (I accuse)
The secret of crime detection lies in witlessness
Ignoring the silly details that distract
But where in the world is there in the world
A man so divorced from fact?
C'est moi (it's me) whose brain is so fine
I spit on the urge to be shy
My head it swells with little grey cells
C'est moi (it's me), 'tis I.
I've never failed to finger the crook
No matter whom I indict
I make a guess at the end of the book
And yes, the guess is right.
C'est moi (it's me) bull-headedly blind
For facts I wholly deny
A man whose gall is sure to appall
C'est moi (it's me), 'tis I.
Herbie
(Oscar Meyer)
My Herbie is infested
With several kinds of fleas
The insects all are vectors
Of terminal disease
Of measles, chickenpox, and flu
And mutant strains of typhoid too...
Genetic research has a way
With recombinant DNA.
Just A Scientist
(Just A Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody)
CEDRIC: I'm just a scientist
A mad biologist
And I find the part delighting
Cloning every day
Splicing DNA
Ooo...how exciting!
Went to school it's true
At U of Waterloo
Money's really hard to come by
Until it came into my head
I should try to raise the dead
And canvass the alumni.
Cuz
I....just love dead bodies
Dead bodies, they thrill me
Dead bodies, fulfill me
I'm so mad and lonely
Mad and lonely, mad and lonely
Want some sweet research grant
To come and take a chance on me
Cuz I ain't so bad...
MONSTER: I'm just a Frankenstein
With many parts combined
And I find this fact distressing
Pieces, like my head,
Come from people dead
Ooo..how depressing.
If there was a day
When loved ones passed away
And if they weren't cremated
There's a possibility
That is very clear to me
We might be related.
Cuz
I'm...made from dead bodies...
Dead bodies, they thrill me
Dead bodies, fulfill me
I'm so mad and lonely
Mad and lonely, mad and lonely,
Want some sweet research grant
To come and take a chance on me
Cuz I ain't so bad...
I'm Getting Buried
(I'm Gettied Married In The Morning)
I'm getting buried in the morning
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime
Send lots of flowers
Eulogize for hours
But get me to the hearse on time!
Everyone will be there in the morning
Spruced up and looking mighty fine
There'll be fun and laughter
In the everafter
So get me to the hearse on time.
I've lived a long life
I've no regrets
To my relations
I leave all of my debts.
I'm getting buried in the morning
Say good-bye to all that once was mine
I'm really quite excited
For soon I'll be ignited
You'd better not delay
I'm starting to decay
For your sakes get me to the hearse on time!
I Killed Elvira
(My Way)
And now, it seems so clear,
My heart feels like it won't stop hurting.
I loved you so my dear,
That you loved me is not so certain.
You were so beautiful,
Those eyes, that face, who could deny ya?
And now you're dead for I
Have killed Elvira.
I loved her all through school,
Despite her lust for others riches.
She was my precious jewel,
Though she outdid the world's great bitches.
The best, by far the best,
Of all the women in Elmira.
And now she's dead for I
Have killed Elvira.
At her request I planted bombs,
Blew people up, committed wrongs.
But through it all, she picked on me.
She held me in her tyranny.
Now she is dead and I am free;
I killed Elvira.
She once could do no wrong,
When she was here, my eyes were blinded.
And now, that she is gone,
Of liberty, I am reminded.
For truth and love and hope
And all those things that I admir-uh,
Oh yes, I'm glad to say
I killed Elvira.
I played the pawn in her foul plot.
I was a stu-pid idiot.
But then she drank from poisoned cup,
Her own petard did hoist her up.
Now I am free, I paid my fee,
I killed Elvira.
Jekyll House Cats
(Jellicle Cats)
Are you able to kill?
And with nary a thought?
Can you murder a houseguest?
And never get caught?
Can you baffle detectives?
Who haven't a clue?
If you can and you have
You're a Jekyll Cat too.
Because Jekyll Cats are and Jekyll Cats do,
Jekyll Cats do and Jekyll Cats would,
Jekyll Cats would and Jekyll Cats can,
Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do,
Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do.
Can you poison the food
With untraceable drugs?
Are you able to shoot,
Skewer, strangle, and slay?
And exterminate humans
As if they were bugs?
Fin'lly do you believe
"Where there's a will, there's a way?"
Because Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do,
Jekyll Cats do and Jekyll Cats can,
Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do,
Jekyll Cats do and Jekyll Cats can,
Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do.
(DANCE NUMBER BETWEEN TWO SONGS)
Haunted House
(The Old Gumbie Cat)
I have a haunted house in mind
It's filled with very scary scenes
And if by chance these scenes you find,
You'll find out what disaster means.
A presence permeates each room,
The flame of life it hopes to douse.
It thinks and knows and hopes and kills
And that's what makes a haunted house,
That's what makes a haunted house.
'Cause when the night's murder and mayhem is done,
The Jekyll Cat's battle is practically won.
And now that Madam Harriet is dead and gone,
The work of the Cats has a chance to go on.
We are deeply concerned with the terms of the will
Especially the part about the codicil.
There's plenty of money, but rather than share it,
We're killing you off so that we can inherit.
Jekyll House
(Skimbleshanks)
Jekyll House! Oh! Jekyll House!
The home of the Jekyll Cats!
There's a rumour in the air,
That we started this affair,
And in case you may have wondered why,
Although you may find it rash,
We were running short of cash,
And decided you must die!
We have always liked to nibble,
On our catnip flavoured kibble,
That we supplement with mice.
And because we acted sooner,
We have lots and lots of tuna,
Which admittedly is nice.
But although we are well off,
We have found it's not enough,
And we often dream of dining on a chicken.
And although it seems absurd,
To be lusting for a bird,
We need cash to catch the kind that's finger-licken.
So we formed a cat alliance,
And decided in defiance,
That the relatives must expire.
And so now you're up to date,
On the reasons for our hate,
And the happenings that happened to transpire.
Jekyll House! Oh! Jekyll House!
The home of the Jekyll Cats!
Computer Fees
(Dancin' In The Street)
CULT: Co-op! Imprint!
Athletics! Federation Hall!
CLAIRE: Callin' out around the school
Are you ready for a brand-new fee?
Doug is here and his name is Wright
He says computing isn't free.
Pay in Computer Science
Pay in Psychology
Pay in Engineering
Oh they want your money, sweet money
And they're putting on the squeeze
It's the latest charge by the registrar
So pay computer fees!
Oh! It doesn't matter what you take
Or what faculty you're in
Hit a key on the CRT
Take the system for a spin
You'll be payin'
You'll pay computer fees!
This is a requisition
That's not tuition
So your OSAP will not pay
There'll be moanin', groanin',
But no student loanin'
And you dare not disobey!
Mathematics, E.S.
Science, H.K.L.S.
Don't forget old Engineering
Oh they want your money
Sweet money
Go and hock your underwear...
Beelzebub
(Da-Doo-Ron-Ron)
ZELDA: I met him on a Monday at the CC Pub
Demonus Vene, Beelzebub
He asked me out on Tuesday to the Faculty Club
Demonus Vene, Beelzebub
Ooo, his name was Bill
I was on the pill
So when he asked me home
MUSTARD: Da-doo-ron-ron-ron, Va-va-va-voom.
ZELDA: He vanished early Wednesday but he left me cash
Demonus Vene, Beelzebub
I broke out Thursday morning in an itchy rash
Demonus Vene, Beelzebub
Friday my M.D.
Said it was Herpes B
On the weekend I stayed home
MUSTARD: Da-doo-ron-ron-ron, Va-va-va-voom.
Killer
(Thriller)
CLAIRE: Eleven thirty
You show up at a class just for the kick
You're topsy-turvy
Last night you guzzled beer till you were sick
The prof comes in
He's carrying a stack of paper booklets
He starts to grin
And gleefully he looks you in the eyes
You realize
That it's a killer midterm test
It wholly slipped your mind
And now you're really gonna pay
Yes it's a killer midterm test
The shit has hit the fan
Yes it's a killer midterm today.
You feel the sweat spout
You wonder if there's time to run away
The tests are passed out
You close your eyes and quickly start to pray
You bow your head
And hope the quiz will only be "short answer"
But to your dread
You find the prof has proved that he is slime
It's essay time!
And it's a killer midterm test
Your lack of useful knowledge
Fills your heart with grim dismay
And it's not even multiple guess
You're really up the creek
Upon the killer midterm today.
Eight questions waiting
On subjects you haven't a clue about
No way of faking
The facts a response should include
You are right royally screwed.
But pick a question
One that seems a little less obscure
Fight your depression
Dig right in, start shovellin' manure
There's one slim hope
To salvage partial marks from this disaster
Don't groan and mope
Your grade may not turn out to be that bad
If you can pad
So write some filler, filler now
A flood of purple prose might fool
An overworked T.A.
Just be a filler spiller now
Perhaps you'll save your tush
Churn out some killer diller midterm filler
Here today!
Keep spouting filler, never rest
And don't forget your Webster's
Or your Bartlett's or Roget
'Cause it's a killer diller test
Your ass is in a sling
And it's a killer midterm...
MASTER: Darkness falls across the land
The witching hour is close at hand
Heavens split in mortal fear
As the summoning draws near.
And whomsoever shall be found
Upon the Jekyll's curs-ed ground
Must stand and face a fiend from hell
And die like any infidel.
For deep beneath this rotting soil
Unfettered in a magic coil
There lurks a force of rav'nous doom
Imprisoned in a ghastly tomb.
Now by the power of evil hand,
By gifts of incense, fire, and blood
I break the chains with one command
Demonus Vene, Beelzebub!
That Was The Play
(Those Were The Days)
We started with a mansion in the country,
To which some frightened teen-agers did run.
We added in some loud obnoxious tourists,
And spying Russians just to have more fun.
After that things start to get confusing,
As crooks and family and cultists mix.
All out to get a rich old lady's fortune
Using a variety of tricks.
Then the detectives came,
But they all fared the same,
Ran here and there and wasted all their time.
They had no chance really to solve the mystery.
They did their best but could not solve the crime.
That was the play my friend, we're sad it had to end.
We sang and danced from dusk to break of day.
We did our best for you, and we enjoyed it too.
That was the play, oh yes, that was the play.
Now it's time to take off all our make-up.
We'll hang our costumes on the racks and then,
We'll strike the sets and head off to the party,
And sing all of our favourite songs again.
If you're depressed because the play is over,
Raise up your head and wipe away that tear.
Make plans to come to FASS in Eighty-seven.
We reach a quarter century next year.
That was the play, adieu.
We'll take our leave of you.
But we'll be back, along with all the jokes.
It's been a slice you know,
Hope you enjoyed the show.
That was the play, oh yes that was the play.
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