FASS 25th Anniversary
(Everything's Coming Up Roses)
JOHNNY: I have a dream, well,
More of a thought, Ellen.
It's all that I've got, Ellen.
So give it a shot, please, Ellen...
Clear your mind, clear the floor,
Start the music and open the door!
Tell the crowd rushing in,
It's the FASS twenty-fifth annivers'ry!
CROWD: Grab a seat, grab a chair,
Hear the laughter that's filling the air!
Shake a hand, make a friend,
At the FASS twenty-fifth annivers'ry!
ELLEN: The bar's open!
Have a drink on the house!
Stop that mopin'!
It'll be all that you're hopin'!
CROWD: Plot the plot, sing a song,
Tell a joke with an ending that's wrong!
Steal a scene, take a bow,
It's the time, here and now,
And nothing can head us off at the pass!
CROWD: For it's our twenty-fifth annivers'ry,
JOHNNY: of comedy,
CROWD: Our twenty-fifth annivers'ry,
ELLEN: at Waterloo,
ALL: Our twenty-fifth annivers'ry,
so welcome to FASS!
The Sound Of Gunfire
(Sound Of Music)
The hills are alive, with the sound of gunfire.
A sound they have heard, several times before.
We're fighting it out, in the South Atlantic,
For this tidbit of rocky and barren shore.
Some Forgotten Island
(Some Enchanted Evening)
SAM: Some forgotten island
JANET: (ECHOING) Some forgotten island
SAM: In the South Atlantic
JANET: (ECHOING) In the South Atlantic
SAM: Where the pace is frantic
JANET: And there's no time for love.
SAM: Love washes ashore,
JANET: (ECHOING) Love washes ashore,
SAM: An island no mor-or-or-ore!
JANET: (ECHOING) An island no more,
BOTH: And suddenly earth seems like heaven above.
They Say That In The Falklands
(They Say That In The Army)
ALL: They say that in the Falklands,
The girls are hard to find.
But if you chance to catch them,
The sheep don't seem to mind.
Oh, I don't want to live this Falkland life,
EMILE: Gee, ma, I'm yearning to,
THER.: Go home to Waterloo,
ALL: Gee, ma, I wanna go home!
Same Song
(Time Warp)
STU: It's distressing,
And somewhat depressing,
That we can't write anything new.
SALLY: But listen to me-ah,
I've got an idea,
Here's what we can do.
STU: I remember using this one song,
Nine times, or maybe ten.
SALLY: Well, who says we have to,
Avoid repetition?
ALL: Let's use the same song again!
Let's use the same song again!
STU: We can use the same tune,
ALL: But we'll write different words,
SALLY: For every new show,
ALL: Or at least for two-thirds.
And whenever we do it,
We know it gets more inane,
Let's use the same song again!
Let's use the same song again!
Why Can't Professors Teach The Artsies ...
(Why Can't The English Teach Their Children ...)
Why can't professors teach the Artsies how to speak?
The pure math kids know logic,
Applied Math ones know geek.
Chartered Accountants use COBOL,
While C.S. grads use 'C',
But why can't the artsies talk to me?
So, This Is University
(Oh, Wouldn't It Be Loverly)
Here I stand in the lecture hall,
One of thousands, against the wall,
Oh Gosh, I feel so small,
So this is university.
This Stupid Machine
(On The Street Where You Live)
I have often used this machine before,
But my programs always ran so nice and clean before,
Now each way I turn seems to crash and burn,
Is it me or this stupid machine?
So I hack all night with my belly tense,
Thinking that it's great to simulate intelligence.
Though I rant and rail, it's to no avail,
Working here on this stupid machine!
The Plane Domain
(The Rain In Spain)
The range remains contained within a plane.
Again.
The range remains contained within a plane.
I think she's got it.
I think she's got it!
The range remains contained within a plane.
By Gauss she's got it!
By Gauss she's got it!
Now once again.
Where is the range?
In the plane.
In the plane.
And how remains that range?
Contained, Contained.
The range remains contained within a plane.
The range remains contained within a plane.
In abstract analysis and algebra,
Addition is associative.
And A plus B is called the sum.
Now once again,
What's the domain?
It's the plane!
It's the plane!
What maps into a plane?
The range!
The range!
The range remains contained within a plane.
The range remains contained within a plane.
When You Edit It Enough
(With A Little Bit Of Luck)
Your final draft is sure to be a winner,
I'd like to say I found it quite divine.
Your final draft makes us look like beginners, But
With a little bit of work,
With a little bit of work,
We can cut out every clever line.
ALL: With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of work we'll wreck your scene.
Our writing style requires the addition,
Of funny jokes, and tightly written prose.
Our own humour will not bear repetition, But
With a little bit of theft,
With a little bit of theft,
We can steal routines from other shows.
ALL: With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of theft we'll make 'em laugh.
It's wrong to steal the work of others.
But we're happy to declare,
That we don't care.
A tasteful show is sure to please the critics.
The censor board would greet it with delight.
A tasteful show won't sell a single ticket, But
With a little bit of smut,
With a little bit of smut,
We can pack them in on every night.
ALL: With a little bit,
With a little bit,
With a little bit of smut we'll pack them in.
With a little bit,
With a little bit,
With a little bit of steamy smut.
Dance Audition
(One)
CHOREO.: Dance!
Anyone can do it.
Step up, give yourself a chance.
Dance!
Let me lead you through it:
Strut, kick, back-step and prance!
DANCERS: That step is something,
That nobody else can do!
We'd have to be double-jointed,
Like you-know-who!
CHOREO.: Dance!
DANCERS: Feel the tendons tearing,
We may never walk again!
Gonna spend the night insane,
With pain!
So!
CHOREO.: Ooh, sigh, give me your attention!
DANCERS: CHOREO.:
Do we really Do I really
have to mention? have to mention?
We HATE dance! I LOVE dance!
I'se The B'y That Builds The Boat
(The Same)
I'se the b'y that builds the boat,
And I'se the b'y that sails 'er,
I'se the b'y that catches the fish,
And takes 'em home to Liza.
Hip your partner, Sally Tibbo,
Hip your partner, Sally Brown,
Fogo, Twillingate, Morton's Harbour,
All around the circle.
What I Did For FASS
(What I Did For Love)
JOHNNY: Kiss my grades good-bye
Put work off 'til tomorrow
Watch my straight A's drop to D
But I can't forget
What I did for FASS
What I did for FASS
People wonder why
I linger through the sorrow
And I say with certainty
That I don't regret
What I did for FASS
What I did for FASS
FASS
FASS has been my life
Though it's filled with strife
I meet lots of women
ALL: Kiss our grades good-bye
JOHNNY: Put work off 'til tomorrow
AUD.: We'll do work tomorrow
ALL: As our straight A's drop to D
Won't forget
Can't regret
What we did for FASS
What we did for FASS
JOHNNY: What I did for FASS
Falklands
(Washington Post)
Dum da-dah, da-dum-da,
Dum da-dah, da-dum-da,
Dum da-dah da-dah da-dah da-dah da-dum Dah!
Oh, these are the Falklands, Falklands, Falklands.
And war is the topic of the day,
The Argentines have come to stay.
'Cause these are the Falklands, Falklands, Falklands.
They want us to go because now we know,
They're coming to take our sheep away.
The Greatest Romantic Love Song
(Suddenly Seymour)
Finish our jobs.
Take off our disguises.
Here, take my Kleenex;
Wipe that lipstick away.
Show me your face,
Free of deception.
Plan for tomorrow;
Forget yesterday!
Suddenly Ima,
Is not undercover.
We don't need a story,
Don't have to be nice!
Suddenly Ima,
We're free to discover,
As secret agents,
(You) only live twice.
Nobody does it,
Better than you do.
Some move too quickly,
Others too slow.
I know affection,
Still means something to you,
Unlike Ernst Blofeld,
And Doctor No!
Suddenly spying,
Does not seem like heaven.
We won't act like angels;
We're free to raise hell.
We can start playing,
Like double oh seven,
(Where) I'm Octopussy,
(And) you're Thunderball!
Tell me tonight will,
Be for your eyes only.
Tell me your secret,
I'll trade you one.
Say you'll remember,
And never be lonely.
You'll be my man with,
The golden gun!
IMA: SVEN:
Suddenly Ima, (Suddenly Ima,)
Is not undercover. (Is not undercover.)
I don't need a weapon, (You don't need a weapon,)
To prove myself right! (Yes, you're right!)
BOTH: Remember diamonds,
May be forever.
SVEN: IMA:
We are not diamonds, (We are not diamonds,)
We are not diamonds, (Won't be forever.)
SVEN: We are not diamonds,
BOTH: (But) we have tonight!
Can't Hear Us For the Band
(Let's Hear It For The Boy)
So maybe we don't sing well,
But that's all right you know,
Cause we're funny, funny, funny,
And we're always on the money with the show.
And maybe we can't sing loud,
But that's all right as well,
'Cause everytime they start to play,
We just wanna say:
Can't hear us for the noise!
Can't hear us for the band!
Can't hear us for the music!
And you can't understand,
That we don't need a diagram,
To sing it from the diaphragm,
No - oh - Oh - OH!
Can't hear us for the band!
FASS Tonight
(Mac The Knife (Nelson Riddle Style))
Oh, the stage is fully set now,
With the costumes all arrayed.
And the actors are prepared now,
With their talents on parade.
With the curtain set to open,
A disaster strikes the cast.
Someone must be a replacement,
And be ready mighty fast.
I step forward into peril,
Make an offer, play the part.
It's my chance to impress Carol,
And to finally win her heart.
So we finish the rehearsals,
And the play has come of age.
No regrets and no reversals,
Now that Bobby's hit the stage!
On With The Show
(This Is It)
Falklands War, this is it.
Argentin - a 'gainst the Brits.
In South Atlantic,
We've got lots of songs,
And that's why the show runs long!
Start the show, load the gun.
We had hoped to have some fun.
But not with this dumb script.
On with the war, this is it!
That's Warrior Football
(That's Entertainment)
We try, all our effort and more,
Do or die, just to open the door,
And we cry, when we look at the score,
That's Warrior Football.
We guess our technique isn't sound,
We confess that our errors abound,
Nonetheless, we're the best game around,
That's Warrior Football.
Right up to the half,
there's a victory near.
We all have to laugh,
we've got nothing to fear.
The crowd has reason to cheer.
With apologies extended,
There's no offense intended.
You smile, when you think how a play,
Changed our style, so we know that one day,
In a while, we will beat Laurier!
The Game is our Life,
And Life is a Game of Warrior Football.
Malvinas Getaway
(Hernando's Hideaway)
We're off to sea, in Donny's car.
We hope the Falk, lands aren't too far,
Or we'll get wetter than we are,
On our, Malvinas Getaway. (Ole'!)
Our driver is no genius,
But neither* are the three of us.
That's why we don't just take the bus,
On our, Malvinas Getaway. (Ole'!)
Da da da da, da da, da da, da dat-da, diddy-da
By yet another lucky plot coincidence,
Da da da da, da da, da da, da dat-da, diddy-da
Our lives are free from school and other incidents,
Da da da da, da da, da da, da dat-da, diddy-da
We haven't noticed that the ocean is immense,
In short, this scene, defies all common sense.
The Falklands should be lots of fun,
If Donny brings his Daddy's gun,
And Jody brings his Walk-a-man,
On our, Malvinas Getaway. (Ole'!)
Captain Penguin, He's Our Hero
(Ode To Joy)
Yes, that's right, I'm Captain Penguin,
Lord of all the birds and sheep,
(Pro) tector of our flightless waterfowl,
And master of the deep.
(THE CAPTAIN WAITS FOR PEOPLE TO JOIN IN
WITH THE CHORUS. THEY DON'T. HE PROMPTS)
Captain Penguin...
He's our hero...
(Pro) tector of flightless...
Waterfowl...
The Show So Far
(The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald)
NARRATOR: The outlook is dim;
The expressions are grim,
On the faces of Argentine men as,
The tides of war land,
Like a giant's great hand,
On the islands they call the Malvinas!
The British now fight,
With Imperial might,
To change the name back to the Falklands.
The four winds all howl,
As the dogs of war growl,
And blanket these forsaken islands.
(NARRATOR STOPS SINGING AND TURNS TO GLARE AT HEAD SCRIPTWRITER)
Excuse me, but dogs don't blanket.
WRITER: Just get on with it!
NARRATOR: One Donny we knew,
There now seem to be two,
Which suggests that someone may be lying.
And is his sly belle,
An imposter as well?
Could it be that they both have been spying?
The hills now all ring,
To the sound of flinging,
WRITER: Excuse me, that word should be "fighting".
NARRATOR: Well thanks very much.
May I say it is such,
A pain to read your damned handwriting!
The hills now all ring,
To the sound of fighting,
As victorious Brits stride on forwards.
The Argentines beat,
Out a hasty retreat,
And trample all things to the rearward.
Just si - it right back,
And you'll he - ear a tale,
A tale of a fa - ateful tri - ip.
The war is now done,
And our friends have begun,
To out of their foxholes start creeping.
This crap is too long,
I will now end this song.
The aud-yence has started sleeping!
Prince Andrew's Helicopter
(Wells Fargo Wagon)
ALL: We know that Prince Andrew's helicopter's
flying through the air.
Oh, please let him get here soon.
We know that Prince Andrew's helicopter's
flying through the air.
I hope that he arrives here before noon.
FRANK: I want to hop aboard and head back home to Breslau,
MARG: And as for me it is Waterloo.
DICK: I can hardly wait to get to Elmira,
JANE: And if you're very very lucky I will go there too.
ALL: We know that Prince Andrew's helicopter's
flying through the air.
It is a sight that will fill us all with awe.
It will be lovely, a pleasure and e-normous honour,
When he takes us, on a trip to, Canada.
We know that Prince Andrew's helicopter's
flying through the air.
Oh, please hurry to this spot.
We know that Prince Andrew's helicopter's
flying through the air.
That's why he's all important to the plot!
OZZIE: Cause without him we would be stuck here forever,
HARR.: And that would be a fate worse than death.
TED: If he doesn't show then we must be clever,
ALICE: To extricate ourselves entirely from this awful mesth.
ALL: We know that Prince Andrew's helicopter's
flying through the air.
It is a sight that will fill us all with awe.
It will be lovely, a pleasure and e-normous honour,
When he takes us, (when he gets here,
he will take us, when he gets here)
on a trip to, (if he gets here,
we'll go home to, if he gets here)
Canada!
ALL: We know that Prince Andrew's helicopter's coming.
We hear those turbine propellor blades a-humming.
We hope that Prince Andrew's helicopter
will be big enough,
To take us all back home!
Hey, Look, It's Over!
(Hey, Look Me Over!)
Hey, look, it's over!
Give us a hand.
It took three hours,
Longer than we planned.
It was an effort,
For cast and crew.
It might have been better to call it off,
But what else could we do?
And so we ask your forgiveness,
For lack of taste.
We hope tonight was,
Not a total waste.
If you haven't been sitting beside yourself,
You prob'bly made a friend.
So Good Night! This is the End!
We Were Glad To Have You With Us
(We Need A Little Christmas)
Bring down the Curtain!
We really must say "Goodbye" to our friends again.
And yet we're certain,
It's not "Goodbye", but "Farewell, 'til we meet again!",
'Cause
We were glad to have you present,
Here at our assembly.
(We) think of you as pleasant,
Members of our fambly.
And we hope that you acknowledge,
How well we were acting,
'Cause Goodness, Gracious, Gloriosky,
We were trained by Stanislavsky!
Take off the make-up,
It's time to hang the costumes on the rack again,
Before we break up,
We're glad to say we may just all come back again.
'Cause
We were glad to have you sit here,
Glad to say we knew ya!
(And) If we made you titter,
(Then) Glory Hallelujah!
'Though we end a quarter cent'ry,
With tonight's performance,
We start another one next year!
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