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FASS 2002: "... when a beam of light shone down from the heavens..." - Dex X. Machina (Ken Chung)
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Make A Date With FASS 88
(Jack Cooper's Original #1)
From the Gods above
To the earth below
Comes a tale of love
Comes a tale of woe
An epic tale of "Man-meets-Mate"
In the FASS show eighty-eight
Come and watch the folks
Down in Waterloo
All the guys are geeks
And the gals are few
Romance won't be left to fate
In the FASS show eighty-eight
All the movie screens show countless scenes
of love and romance
Where the hero always wins out in the end
But the lights come up and interrupt your fantasy land
You discover that it's all just pretend
If you're all alone
On a Friday night
No one left to phone
No one else in sight
Come on out and make a date
With the FASS show eighty-eight
Ever since the world began
Men and women have searched for love in vain
Even Adam and Eve found it hard to conceive
That in the future they would raise Cain
Time has changed the way we look
But the things that we want are still the same
Some people want money
Some wanna be funny
But we all want to win the dating game, so
Let the show begin
Let the plot advance
Let the spell of FASS
Put you in a trance
GEEK CHORUS:
Maybe we will find a date
In the FASS show eighty-eight...
ALL:
Come on out and make a date
With the FASS show eighty-eight
We Build The ICR
(We Sail The Ocean Blue)
This is called the ICR
Or to some, the Billy Building
It may look a bit bizarre
Covered in green glass and gilding
There's not enough money for the model they chose
So we'll pour a concrete floor
And when they ask where the wiring goes
We'll tear it up as before
Oh joy, oh joy, we haven't finished yet
Oh boy, oh boy, we hope we don't forget
To include a functional front door
So we build the ICR
And for this they pay us money
Though we love the smell of tar
It is not all milk and honey
Who cares if it looks like a Faraday cage
Or a Via Rail express train
We work one hour for a full day's wage
And cannot endure the strain
This hectic pace we must sustain
Now we live our lives in fear
For the structure is unstable
So we should get out of here
Or we soon will be unable
But though the thing's no beauty
We won't forsake our duty
We earn our monthly booty from the ICR
Barbarity
(Lydia The Tattooed Lady)
COPS: La-la-laaa! La-la-laaa!
La-la-laaa! La-la-laaa!
MAC: Brutality, brutality
To young criminality
Brutality's our moral duty
Laws were fashioned to protect them
Beat their heads till they respect them
Cruelty, insanity
Outright inhumanity
Is surely what young people need
With hippies and communists never abjure
For moral disease is much worse than the cure
And beat yourselves once every day to be sure
You do not yourselves turn criminal!
COPS: La-la-laaa! La-la-laaa!
La-la-laaa! La-la-laaa!
MAC: Barbarity, barbarity
Outrageous severity
Barbarity will never fail you
Don't look down on the defenseless
Close your eyes and club them senseless
Violence, malevolence
And sickening decadence
Have made me what I am today
Send perverts and radicals straight to the chair
Feminists, punkers, and men with long hair
And anyone else in this country who'd dare
To support the use of violence
MAC: Sing barbarity -- COPS: Sing barbarity!
Sweet barbarity -- Sweet barbarity!
That's right!
Somewhere
(Somewhere)
HIM: There's a girl for me
Somewhere a girl for me
Charming and beautiful
Fair of face
Moves with style and grace
HER: There's a boy for me
Somewhere a boy for me
Handsome and elegant
Never spits
Has no fetishes
Has no zits
BOTH: Someday! Somewhere!
I'll find a way to be normal
And go to the grad semi-formal
Someday
Way out there I see
Someone who'll care for me
Someone, someday, who'll take my hand
Someone pe-erfect
Someone grand
HIM: Some girl!
HER: Some boy!
BOTH: Somewhere!
We'll Dine Out Together
(Happy Together)
MAXIE: I'll find a hapless soul, and sap his life
You feast upon the girl next door, my lovely wife
But human flesh is hard to chew, so bring a knife
We'll dine out together
GLEEP: We'll cook Niagara Falls for our honeymoon
The screams of pain will harmonize a lovely tune
You'll want to take in every drop, so use a spoon
We'll dine out together
MAXIE: Take a herd of humans,
collect all the blood that you can drain
Add some sparkling water,
and you've got a flood of pink champagne
GLEEP: And when we get a visit from the stork
I'll raise a toast to happiness, you pop the cork
Each hungry tot provided with a little fork
We'll dine out together
BOTH: Ba ba ba ba etc.
Bittersweet Love
(To A Wild Rose)
CHORUS:
Magical, wonderful, terrible obsession
Marvelous, hopeless, bittersweet love.
When I saw her face
my world became enchanted
My soul's deepest wish
would finally be granted
If she were mi-ine
(CHORUS)
But ere it began
our love it was blighted
Fate has intervened
we cannot be united
My heart is filled with pain
for I love in vain.
(CHORUS)
Everyone Looks Crazy To Me
(I'm Crazy 'Bout My Baby)
They won't have a prayer
Picture rats in a maze with no cheese
It may be unfair
But I'll record all their deviancies
Such a talented researcher
All my colleagues will agree
I am studying behaviour
Everyone looks crazy to me
When the student lives are messed up
They'll need psychotherapy
I can supplement my NSERC
With a huge consulting fee
Get that Nobel Prize out
Meant for someone else
The committee's crazy
So I'll award it to myself
I'll be hailed as our new saviour
King of kook psychology
I am studying behavior
And you all look crazy to me
I'm Glad You're Mine
(A Job Well Done)
AVERY: I'm yours SYLVIA: I'm yours
You're mine You're mine
AVERY: Together we're the perfect couple
SYLVIA: I'm yours AVERY: I'm yours
You're mine You're mine
SYLVIA: We're twice the fun and half the trouble
AVERY: I'm yours SYLVIA: I'm yours
You're mine You're mine
AVERY: Though people think they're seeing double
SYLVIA: And that is why I'm glad to say you're mine
AVERY: I'm glad you're mine
It's Just Two Dates
(A Job Well Done)
SYLVIA: You're hers AVERY: I'm hers
I'm his You're his
SYLVIA: Our plans are turning topsy-turvy
AVERY: You're his SYLVIA: I'm his
I'm hers You're hers
AVERY: She lacks your form so soft and curvy
SYLVIA: You're hers AVERY: I'm hers
I'm his You're his
SYLVIA: One date with him will give me scurvy
AVERY: But if we must, I know it's just two dates
SYLVIA: It's just two dates
Darn Right
(Quintet)
VOLUNTEERS: The CUPID matchings have been done, it works
The game is over and we've won, you jerks
Irrational decisions fall flat
So digital precision is now where it's at!
PROTESTERS: You keeners think that you have won, no way
This fight has only just begun, today
You haven't found perfection, surprise!
Your logical selection's someone you despise.
TOM: Darn right!
VOLUNTEERS: We're gonna standardize love,
We're gonna spruce it up and you're gonna pay
PROTESTERS: We'll fight for old-fashioned love
You're gonna realize that it's the best way.
VOLUNTEERS: Well, CUPID's modern!
PROTESTERS: Well, CUPID's useless!
BOTH: And now it's time to end this once and for all
Darn right!
NORTON: Penny's going to be my date,
RALPH: It's set.
These CUPID matchings turned out great.
You bet.
BOTH: We're terrible romantics, real hicks
But electronic antics,
Have gotten us chicks.
BELLA: In love, in love,
I finally fell in love,
I see you through a pink tinted mist
ED: That may be true
But my advice to you
Is to contact an optometrist
TERRY: My love, to think that just this morning
SANDY: I thought that you were lazy
I thought you were a schmoo.
BOTH: Sweet cakes, num-nums
I want to tell the world I love you!
BELLA: In love, in love
VOLUNTEERS: We're giving love new panache, right!
BELLA: I finally fell in love
PROTESTERS: But you are using our cash.
TOM: Right!
BELLA: I see you through a pink tinted mist
PROTESTERS: CU-PID sucks! CU-PID sucks!
R & N: We're gonna meet us some girls, right!
ED: That may be true
VOLUNTEERS: We're gonna standardize love.
ED: But my advice to you
PROTESTERS: We'll fight for old-fashioned love.
ED: Is to contact an optometrist
E & H: We're gonna get laid at last.
TERRY: My love,
VOLUNTEERS: Up with CUPID!
TERRY: To think that just this morning
PROTESTERS: Down with CUPID!
TERRY: I thought that you were lazy
VOLUNTEERS: CUPID's modern!
SANDY: I thought you were a schmoo.
PROTESTERS: CUPID's useless!
VOLUNTEERS: To end it once and for all
PROTESTERS: To end it once and for all
BOTH: Sweet cakes, num-nums
VOLUNTEERS: The game is over and we've won
BOTH: I want to tell the world
PROTESTERS: The fight has only just begun
BOTH: I love you!
ALL: We're gonna fight for our love
ALL: Darn right!
We Built The ICR
(We Sail The Ocean Blue)
So we built the ICR
That's the reason we were hired
And we built the thing so well
We were consequently fired
But though we have no duty
We still get monthly booty
We know a (INDICATING SIBYL) certain cutie at the UIC
The Perfect Job
(Somewhere Out There)
Somewhere out there
There's a job for me
Tailored to the skills gained
From a three-year arts degree
Someone out there
Reads my resume
Fooled into believing
I am worth a decent pay
And even though I know I fall apart at interviews
It helps to think that they will work
to death the ones they choose
And when I find my perfect job, I'll thumb my nose at them
It helps to know I'll never have to work for IBM!
Somewhere out there
Employers wait for you
Someday you will find them
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true
Last Call at Fed Hall
(Floor Show/Don't Dream It)
LASZLO: It was great when it all began
I was a regular CUPID fan
But then Goldstein devised a plan
And so my friends, you all got the can
Now your one solitary chance
Is to ruin the Alumni dance
Take the bull by the horns,
You may never have this chance again.
T & S: Our romance is just hours old
You are beautiful to behold
And nobody needs to be told
Our libidos cannot be controlled
Now our friends only feel disgust
At the way we're givin' into lust
Take the bull by the horns,
We may never have this chance again.
GABRIEL: No more brandy, help me Sandy
You guys are so bloody randy, you give me such a pain
[Hic! Burp!], 'scuse me, I feel woozy
What's come over me?
Whoa, here it comes again!
CATHERINE: I feel released, my days of slavery have ceased
My confidence has increased, now I've got control
A storm is brewin', I'll tell you what we're doin'
The administration's ruin, That is our only goal!
LASZLO: It's last call, at Fed Hall (X 2)
ALL: It's last call, at Fed Hall (REPEAT)
GOLDSTEIN: Ah, we've got to abandon this plot
Before it brings us all to defeat
If we act like a mob, we won't get back our jobs
We will all be left to rot
And be forced to work at the high school down the street.
GABRIEL: No more brandy, help me Sandy
CATHERINE: Let's get the hell out of here.
Steal A Kiss From Me
(Come Go With Me)
ALL BUT RHODA: Dum dum dum dum dum,
Boys are really dumb dum dum dum dum,
Boys are really dumb dum dum dum dum,
Boys are really dumb, woh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
(REPEAT)
RHODA: Well, I like your brother
Think he's really sweet
There's nobody else
I would rather meet
So if I asked him
Would he dance with me?
PHOEBE: Girl, you're crazy
Come on, use your head
Boys are trouble
From A to Z
If you're smart then
You will listen to me.
BARBARA: Sure, they may be clever
Promise you forever
A lifetime of romance
But the next minute
Before you can begin it
They wanna get in your pants.
YVONNE: Strong broad shoulders
Eyes that smile at me
The cutest little buns
That you'll ever see
If I'm lucky he'll
Steal a kiss from me
Oh, steal a kiss from me.
ALL: No-oh no no-oh.
I'm Glad You're Mine (Reprise)
(A Job Well Done)
SID: I'm yours NANCY: I'm yours
You're mine You're mine
SID: If folks are shocked, fuck, we don't care!
NANCY: I'm yours SID: I'm yours
You're mine You're mine
NANCY: It's total anarchy we'll share!
SID: I'm yours NANCY: I'm yours
You're mine You're mine
SID: We'll dye and spike our baby's hair!
NANCY: And that is why I'm glad to say you're mine
SID: I'm glad you're mine
I Am Single
(Sixteen Going On Seventeen)
I am single, going on twenty
I've never had a date
Glasses and flood pants
Don't make for romance
When will I find a mate?
Every time I meet a young lady
I am afraid to speak
I've never tried
Cause my tongue is tied
Oh, why am I such a geek?
I take along the little friend
I found in my frosh kit
I'd like a chance to try it out
But I'm scared it won't fit
I want someone willing and eager
Showing me what to do
There must be a woman to love me
Even in Waterloo
Meditate
(Shall We Dance?)
If this is what you seek, a life of inner calm
You might be wise to turn your eyes to things Confucius said
But if someone intrudes and disturbs your peace of mind
I would suggest - it might be best -
to give a boot to the head.
Meditate! You know I'd never harm a tiny fly
Meditate! But it's not in my karma to deny
That it's great to attack and disarm a passerby
As you contemplate your navel
Just be damn sure that you save a
Little thought for the folks you hate,
While you're yinning and you're yanging
Keep account of heads you're banging
Meditate, meditate, meditate!
ALL MARTIAL ARTISTS:
Meditate! Keep those thoughts transcendental in your mind
Meditate! If your soul's orientally inclined
Mutilate! Never acting too gentle or too kind
Pay attention to the master
Or he'll use your guts for plaster
You can put it down to fate,
He'll consult the book of changes
As your face he rearranges,
Meditate, meditate, meditate!
Tomorrow
(Jack Cooper's Original #2)
MOLLY: There is gonna be a showdown come tomorrow
When the protestors and volunteers arrive
BOTH: Tomorrow compassion
Will weather the thrashin'
MOLLY: Come tomorrow, our spirit will survive.
ED: When the fists are flyin' and the blood's a-flowin'
I will think of you and I won't be afraid
BOTH: Tomorrow the rumble
Won't cause us to crumble
ED: Come tomorrow, our love will never fade.
BOTH: Through the broken bones and carnage we will travel
With our hearts a-glow and with our chins held high
Tomorrow's collision
Won't stifle our vision
Come tomorrow, our dreams will never die
Never die, never die, never die.
A Dojo Of Our Own
(Somewhere That's Green)
A dojo of our own
A mat of rice and reeds
A group of eager Grasshoppers
To tend to all our needs
With shuriken and nunchaku
We'll practice vi-o-lence
In a dojo of our own
Where we can fence
I clean and grind the swords
I love to slice and dice
You bring home Bobby Ginzu
And I serve him up with rice
We live in peaceful harmony
Like a book by Pearl S. Buck
In a dojo of our own
Where we can --
Goodbye
(Kiss Him Goodbye)
Looks like the show's through
And though we hate to
We gotta bring the curtain down,
hear the laughter die
Promise us you'll return when we're
back here - next year
Till then, (Go ahead and tell 'em!)
We gotta tell you goodbye, goodbye
Whoa, goodbye.
You know what we were after
Wasn't just your laughter
We hope you shared the magic and -
saw your spirit fly
Keep on believin', baby, and
some day - you'll come up and join us
On the stage here, (But until you're ready)
Thanks for the passion - goodbye
Na-na-na-na, hey-ey-ey, goodbye
Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey-ey-ey, goodbye.
And so because we love you
And think the world of you
Just the thought of leavin' you tonight -
really breaks our hearts
Stay just a moment more because
our love - is so strong
That we wanna, (We would like to kiss you)
We just wanna kiss you, ooh!
We just wanna kiss you, ooh!
We wanna kiss you - goodbye, goodbye
Whoa, goodbye
Bye, goodbye
Whoa, goodbye, bye, bye.
Na-ne-na-ne-na-na (Uh!), na-ne-na-ne-na-na (Uh!),
Na-ne-na-ne-na-na (Uh!), na-ne-na-ne-na-na (Uh!). ( X 2 )
Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey-ey-ey, goodbye. ( X 4 )
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