![[description below]](/2003/photos/2003-10.jpg)
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FASS 2003: Lean-Juc Pickhard (Steve Cheung) commands the crew of the HMCS ComfyLounge.
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The Opening Song(s)
(Amazing Grace, Swing Low Sweet Chariot, Club Med)
A blazing place to flee the might
Of winter's ice and snow
A comic respite
From mid-terms tonight
Another Damned FASS Show!
All ye who watch, abandon hope
Condemned to undergo
The same old folks
The same tired jokes
Another Damned FASS Show!
Sing slow, and tarry a bit
Charon's gonna ferry me home
Judas Iscariot's
Gonna be my chaperone
Lights up, Kerry, lights up!
Bring the house to half and
Then they'll start to laugh!
It's FASS eighty-nine, eighty-nine!
Glamourous Job
(Summer Nights)
HERO BLONDE: Downing whiskey all in one gulp
DUMB BLONDE: Beating thugs into a pulp
HERO BLONDE: Solving cases against all odds
DUMB BLONDE: Slapping faces of sexy broads
BOTH: Violence makes a lot of sense
Cause it's a glamourous job
GREASERS AND BOBBYSOXERS:
A-well-a-well-a-well-a-hmm
Tell me more, tell me more
Tell me what did you see
Tell me more, tell me more
Realistically
SOXERS: Uh-huh Uh-huh Uh-huh
GREASERS: Mm-huh Mm-huh Mm-huh
(REPEAT THROUGHOUT NEXT VERSE)
DUMB BLONDE: My old car can win Grand Prix races
HERO BLONDE: I pick up gorgeous women on cases
DUMB BLONDE: I sleep around - a virgin I ain't
HERO BLONDE: Still I want to marry a saint
BOTH: Easy sex brings in the checks
Cause it's a glamourous job
GREASERS AND BOBBYSOXERS:
A-well-a-well-a-well-a-hmm
Tell me more, tell me more
Did you witness the crime
Tell me more, tell me more
Please stop wasting our time
HERO BLONDE: Dave and Maddie keep bugging each other
DUMB BLONDE: Each Simon is stuck on his brother
HERO BLONDE: Tubbs' and Crockett's girlfriends get killed
DUMB BLONDE: Thomas Magnum's a wimp with a build
BOTH: I could be a star on TV
Cause it's a glamourous job
BOBBYSOXERS: Tell me more, tell me more
A Brief Song
(Top Hat)
I've got a new apartment,
Got a place to live now,
When the rent is paid,
I'm gonna fix it up nice,
Gonna buy some fresh paint,
And a ton of Raid.
Oskar Warner Polka Song
(Oscar Meyer Weiner Song)
I want to dance an Oskar Warner polka
His polkas are the only dance for me
For when I dance an Oskar Warner polka
A fat girl doesn't step upon my feet.
When Will I Get Laid
(When Will I Be Loved)
I've been dated
Been frustrated
When will I get laid?
I've been uptight
Stood up on prom night
When will I get laid?
When I find me a new girl
That I want in bed
She tells me I've got no class
Was it something I said?
I've been all alone
Cut off on the phone
When will I get laid?
Someday I'll get a chance
I can hardly wait
To go running around the basepaths
And slide into home plate
I don't fog up my car
No luck at the singles bar
When will I get laid
Tell me -- when will I get laid?
Dough, Ray, Me
(Doh, Re, Mi)
BRUTUS: Let's start with Original Sinning,
The very best place to start.
When we first saw Eden there were
Adam and Eve.
Their first two sins were:
SEVERIAN: Lust and Greed?
BRUTUS: Greed and Lust.
The first two sins are Greed and Lust.
Greed and Lust.
Greed Lust Pride Anger Envy Sloth Gluttony
(MR. MUSIC, PLEASE)
When you know what key it's in,
You can sing each Deadly Sin.
(STOMPING ON EACH KEY AND INDICATING
THAT THE SIN IS THAT OF THE KEY'S INHABITANT)
Dough, or cash, the sin of greed,
Ray, a man to lust about,
Me, myself, the sin of pride,
Fu--, an angry word to shout.
So much envy I can see,
Lazy is a word for sloth,
Tea, a drink with gluttony,
And that brings us back to dough, or greed or ...
(REPEATED AS IN DOH MI MI, MI SOH SOH...)
KEYS: Greed and Lust, Anger Pride, Envy Sloth, Gluttony
Peanut Gall'ry
(Playground in my Mind)
SCHULZ: When I sit down at my stand
And I take my pen in hand
I close my eyes and soon I find
A Peanut Gall'ry in my mind
Where the children laugh
And the children play,
And they sing a song all day-ay-ay-ay.
SCHROEDER: My name is Schroeder. I play piano.
I played Beethoven when I was two.
When I get older, I'll spike my hair green.
(Play) Ramones and Motley Crue.
SCHULZ: Comic strips I draw each day
Showcase a moral play.
Charlie Brown will never win
The kind of dough Snoopy rakes in.
Yet the children laugh,
And the children play,
And they sing a song all day-ay-ay.
LUCY: My name is Lucy. When we get married
We'll have a mansion in Malibu.
I'm gonna get me some alimony.
That's what I'm gonna do.
SCHULZ: Living in a world that I made up blind.
Happiness is warm puppies and residuals signed.
See all the little Peanuts.
See how they prosper me in the bank vaults they have lined.
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-...
Peanut Gall'ry
(Reprise)
When I sit down at my stand
And I take my pen in hand
I close my eyes and soon I find
A Peanut Gall'ry in my mind.
Where the children laugh
And the children play
And they sing a song all day-ay-ay-ay...
Baseball On His Mind
(Gentle On My Mind)
It's knowing that the slightest hint of romance
Makes this baseball player balk,
That makes me wish that I could find the strength to say
"I'm out of here" and walk.
For though he's pitcher perfect,
And at ball games he's a winner,
To romance, love, and passion he is blind.
Which means that I'm the loser.
So, I guess I'll hit the showers,
'Cause he's got only baseball on his mind.
One evening, I was planning a seduction,
So I asked him to my place.
I should have known I'd never even have a chance
To make it to first base.
I lit a dozen candles
and slipped off to the bedroom,
And came back nearly naked just to find,
Him sitting at the TV,
watching reruns of the Blue Jays,
'Cause he's got only baseball on his mind.
Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend
(Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend)
When I want a guy
I drop by at the ballpark
('Cause) diamonds are a girl's best friend.
(Oh,) I go for a Joe
(With) bats 'n balls as his hallmark
Oh, diamonds are a girl's best friend!
I've often squealed
As they do it on the field
And there's a pitcher with a curve I recommend!
I've never yet been bitter
With a designated hitter
(Well,) diamonds are a girl's best friend!
(REPRISE FOR BIG FINISH)
So, believe me, you'll say "Thank-ee!"
For hanky-panky with a Yankee!
Diamonds are a girl's best friend!
That's A Story
(That's Amore)
When Sean Penn hits a guy
And he blackens his eye
That's a story;
When a Federal MP
Gets a junket for free
That's a story.
When a gent in the government
Proves incompetent and he must repent
His dishonour
When a dude publishes some rude
Monthlies that include photos in the nude
Of Madonna
(He's a goner!)
Any news about Cher
Anytime anywhere
That's a story
Liz's woes, UFOs, Bigfoot's toes,
ELVIS PRESLEY ALIVE!
If it's scandalous, maudlin,
Sensational, kinky, or gory,
We don't care if it's true,
If it sells, it will do,
It's a story!
The Maple Spangled Baseball Boogie
(Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy)
Oh say baby can you see it by dawn's early light
What so proudly we are hailing in the grey twilight
And by the rocket's bright red glare
With bombs a'burstin' above
You know our flag was still there
In the home o' the brave
And the land o' the brave
Is the starry spangled banner waving high over me
With hearts aglow we love the true north strong and free
And with patriotic fervor stand on guard for thee
You are our home and native land
So we'll sing -- Oh Canada
We are but yours to command
So please God keep our land
Free and glorious
It's the maple leaf forever waving high over us.
A-root a-root
A-roodeleyoot-toot-toot
Take me out to the ball game
Where we'll be chantin'
Root for the home team, you know it's a shame
If we can't win
A-and buy me some peanuts and some crackerjack
'Cause you know that I don't care whether we ever get back
And it's one, two, three strikes
And you're out at the old ball game!
A-root, a-root
A-roodeleyoot-toot
Toot toot
Take me out to the game
Root for the team, you know it's a shame
If we, whoa, can't win
Whoa-oh if we don't get back then it's all the same
And it's one, two, three strikes
You're out at the old ball game!
To Hell And Back, Just For You
(Put A Little Love In Your Heart)
That's it for '89
Had a hell of a time
Giving the devil his due!
Joking at hell's expense
To thrill our audience
To Hell and back just for you!
Life is swell
At U. of Waterloo
Life is hell
At U. of Waterloo
We want
To be
At U.
Of T.!
Confronted omniscience
With damned impertinence
Speak of the devil...we do!
Then in our quest for grins,
Tried all the deadly sins
To Hell and back just for you!
Life is grand
At U. of Waterloo
Life is bland
At U. of Waterloo
We could
Have been
At Brock
Or Queen's!
(Good)bye to rehearsal noise
Adieu to Satan's choice
That's it for learning our lines
Aloha to dev'lish jokes
Auf wiedersehn, dear folks
Au revoir FASS '89.
Guess we're stuck
At U. of Waterloo
Out of luck
At U. of Waterloo
But we
Won't cry.
It's not
De Vrie!
