Thus Spoke Sarah Bernhardt
(Also Sprach Zarathustra)
MODERNS: Do you hear a sound?
PRIMITIVES: Dum Dum, Dum Dum,
Dum Dum, Dum Dum,
Dum Dum, Dum Dum,
Dum!
MODERNS: Voices all around!
PRIMITIVES: Dum Dum, Dum Dum,
Dum Dum, Dum Dum,
Dum Dum, Dum Dum,
Dum!
MODERNS: Rise above the crowd!
Straighten up,
And use your mind,
PRIMITIVES: Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum!
MODERNS: You will find,
This is
PRIMITIVES: Dum!
The Winds Of Change
(Do You Hear The People Sing)
Do you hear the distant drum, sounding the rise of early man?
Why don't you join us now and witness how our history began?
Ev'ry scholar here today descended from people such as these,
See how the winds of change began as a gentle breeze.
We will take you on a journey through the merry days of yore,
So prepare yourselves for revelry, there's lots of laughs in store,
If we're any good you'll be rolling about on the floor.
Join the steady march of years, follow the path of history,
Start at the primal dawn and travel on to ages yet to be,
With the wisdom of the past filling up our curriculums,
There will be many things to learn when tomorrow comes.
The survival of the fittest will allow us to progress,
And intelligence will triumph over muscular prowess,
If that were not true we would all be in H-K-L-S.
(Dum-dum-dum-dum!)
Join the steady march of years, follow the path of history,
Ev-ery lowly undergrad and ev'ry lofty P.h.D.,
And to think it all begins with the opposing of our thumbs,
There will be many things to learn when tomorrow comes.
(Dum-de-dum!)
Progress
(Dear World)
What is the point of this progress?
Who are you trying to impress?
I'm prehistoric; my world is made of stone.
Don't try to fix it, leave it alone.
So drop these pretensions of knowledge,
I'm staying here, not at college.
I am a happy, uneducated lout,
So count your blessings,
And count me out!
Don't get your nose out of joint, Og.
You seem to miss the whole point, Og.
Our evolution is unavoidable.
Jump on the wagon, help us to pull.
EVERYONE:
So teach to the whole human race, Og.
(The) future's a wonderful place, Og.
We're getting ready to shoot for something new,
To build a campus, at Waterloo.
If we think logically,
And act accordingly,
Then there is gonna be,
A University!
We've got to have education:
Hedging against glaciation.
And if your mind is becoming rather numb,
Help us to plan the curriculum.
'Cause we have to chart out our classes,
(Which) frees us from freezing our asses.
It's far too chilly to stand here turning blue,
So build a campus,
A magnificent campus,
A remarkable campus,
At Waterloo!
Chorus #1
(Something Poetic)
Paris was a simple shepherd
Watching o'er his flock by night, he
Heard a call from Gods on high:
Athena, Hera, Aphrodite.
A task was given unto Paris,
A golden apple was the prize.
To choose which Goddess was the fairest
(And) which one had the finest... thighs?
Chorus #2
(Something Monotone)
His just reward for choosing love
Can be found at Laurier.
She's everything he's dreaming of
In every category... eh.
Chorus #3
(The Alternate School Song)
Waterloo, Waterloo, ran the girl and boy.
Waterloo, Waterloo, to his home in Troy.
In hopes of finding peace,
They slipped away from Geece,
(To) Waterloo (Good luck)
Waterloo (Dumb... people)
Waterloo (Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb, de-de-de-dumb!)
Chorus #4
(Something Rappish)
They need to find a way to get inside
So they build a big contraption in which to hide.
In order to disguise the invading force
They built themselves a twelve foot wooden... duck.
Always
(Always)
Girl, you are to me
All that a goddess should be
And I dedicate my love to you always.
Boy, you are to me
That slimy trail that a slug would leave
And I know you'll smell this way for always.
But I still know
That our love could grow
And forever it will be us and the sheep.
Your face is like the sun
I can't bear to look at it
When you come around, I get hives all day.
PARIS: (SPOKEN) Come away with me to Troy. We'll go
to university there, escape from the real world.
HELEN: (ASIDE) Well, at least he'll treat me better than the
people here. To them, I'm nothing but a sex object.
Marry me, my sweet!
We'll have a nice hut, eleven babies
And a flock to call our own for always.
(ASIDE) This shepherd's sure a geek
But he'll help me get away from these Greeks
So I'll play along with him -- for now, anyways.
(TO Paris) Boy I love you so
PARIS: My little lamb, I just knew you'd say so.
HELEN: Sure, I'm your little lamb -- for now, anyways.
... No, I Smoke BEFORE Sex
(Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas)
It's a crime, my time is flowing backwards
Do not envy me
Mine's the strangest love life you will ever see.
And, for me, there's no such thing as foreplay
It's a dreadful curse
I enjoy my carnal pleasures in reverse.
Women scoff when they see that you're,
somewhat premature in bed
When I answer their call so deep,
first I fall asleep instead.
Then I wake, aglow, the morning after
Lovestruck to the core
Wishing to remember it forevermore
(But) I can't recall the magic of the night before.
Waterloo
(Camelot)
'Twas long ago when ignorance was lord
The throne of higher learning was restored.
The king was forced to sign the Magna Carta
His barons were insistent, it is true
They felt a university should start u-p in Waterloo.
From ev'rywhere came men of mighty powers
The finest teachers England ever knew
And so ensconced themselves in iv'ry towers in Waterloo.
Waterloo, Waterloo!
To you we proudly pledge our troth
Here's to Waterloo, (ALL) Waterloo!
Each Moor and Visigoth.
In time your teaching gets a little sloppy
Perhaps you haven't published for a year
Don't worry when you're through
Cause you've got tenure, too
Incompetence won't matter while you're here at Waterloo.
Waterloo, what a zoo!
The students here get screwed a lot
Here in Waterloo, what to do?
It is a feudal plot.
So if you wish to be a full professor
To o-ur sage advice you'll lend an ear
Discover something new
But make sure when you do
It brings in lots of dollars while you're here at Waterloo!
Imprint
(Skid Row)
SINGER 1: You crawl to campus Monday, start a week of drudgery
You suffer through your classes
and it passes oh so awfully slow
(Sing it, child) But when Friday's here:
CHORUS: Pick up an Imprint
SINGER 2: That's the campus rag
CHORUS: Grab an Imprint
SINGER 2: Now, I don't like to brag
CHORUS: Read the Imprint
SINGER 2: And your spirit's sagging no more
CHORUS: See what's in store.
See what's in store
CHORUS: Inside the Imprint
SINGER 2: Editorial rebuke
CHORUS: Imprint
SINGER 2: Of a letter from some kook
CHOURS: Imprint
SINGER 2: It's enough to make you puke
just to see
this travesty.
IMPRINT SCRIBES & WRITERS:
Advertisements are printed from a strippers' joint
Our readers are complaining that we missed the point
They say the press's freedom only goes so far
But Huggy's is our favourite bar!
CHORUS: It says here
Imprint
SINGER 3: Leather school jacket thief
CHORUS: Imprint
SINGER 3: Brings a Fed Hall patron grief
CHORUS: Imprint
SINGER 3: It's beyond belief what we choose
as front-page news.
CHORUS: As front page news
SINGER 3: We can't excuse
CHORUS: We can't excuse
SINGER 3: Our arts reviews
CHORUS: Our arts reviews
BOTH: But here's some clues:
COLONORANUS: Arts! That's the section dear to our hearts
Where the whole is less than the parts
If you'd like to hear how it starts
I take my favourite disc
Say very little 'bout music, and lots about me
There is no risk
Because the chance that you've heard of the group
is so frightfully slim
You'll ignore my review cause the headline's
so grim after all.
And so I
CHORUS: Imprint
COLONORANUS: Attach a morbid photograph
CHORUS: Imprint
COLONORANUS: A favourite trick of Imprint staff
CHORUS: Imprint
COLONORANUS: And sprinkle round some pointless
graphics to boot - we think it's cute.
ROMEO: How I start to regret my all-nighters here
Rue the day when I met the back-biters here
Gee, I wish we could get some real writers here
Wish my own Juliet could be right here.
(CHORUS 1 & 2 ARE COUNTER-POINTED)
CHORUS 1: Imprint! We only print the truth.
CHORUS 2: Are we professional? Yes, we believe in it
CHORUS 1: Imprint! Every journalistic sleuth.
CHORUS 2: But it's anyone's guess who's achievin' it
CHORUS 1: Imprint! Still, we lack a little couth
CHORUS 2: If there's a God of the Press, we're deceivin' it
CHORUS 1: even so!
CHORUS 2: A great career long as you're not naive in it
CHORUS 1: Imprint!
CHORUS 2: If you miss the allure we perceive in it
CHORUS 1: Imprint!
CHORUS 2: Just think of all of the perks we receive in it
CHORUS 1: Imprint!
CHORUS 2: But I wish all these jerks would start leavin' it, oh!
Fortune's Fool
(Rubber Ducky)
It is tragic, I agree
But like magic, one-two-three
All your smiles will soon turn to frowns, my friend
All the fates portend.
You may feel quite glorified
But such overweening pride
Only brings about tragedy in the end.
You're defyin' the gods, and cryin' out "Boo! Hiss!"
But mister -- you'll be payin' for displayin' your hubris
Why the hell d'ya do this?
To avoid your nemesis
Your best stratagem is this
Let Romeo visit his gal
Make up with Willie, he could be your pal
On such kindness your destiny shall depend.
He's a Jolly Othello
(He's a Jolly Good Fellow)
For he's a jolly Othello
For he's a jolly Othello
For he's a jolly Othello
Of infini-ite jest!
To Be Happy Or Not To Be Happy
(Don't Worry, Be Happy)
CHORUS: Ooh, Ooh, (AS IN THE SONG)
SOLO: If you've lost a pound of flesh
Don't complain, at least it's fresh.
Don't worry, be happy.
Receive a visit from someone's ghost
Invite him in for tea and toast.
Don't worry, be happy.
Fellow pokes out both your eyes
Before you overdramatize -
Don't worry, be happy.
Wife turns out to be a shrew
But think of who she's stuck with too.
Don't worry, be happy.
(Don't worry, be happy now)
CHORUS: Ooh, Ooh, (AS IN THE SONG)
SOLO: (SPOKEN) (It's the Ides of March?
That means spring is coming! Be happy!)
Uncle went and killed your dad
The state of Denmark smells so bad.
Don't worry, be happy.
Listen to what I say, Titania's love, he is an ass
That's not surprising, this is FASS.
Don't worry, be happy, be happy now.
(SPOKEN) (Don't worry, don't worry, don't do it
Be happy. Brutus is an honourable man!
He has a lean and hungry look?
Take him to lunch! Be happy!)
Head Don
(Don Giovanni)
Don Giovanni, he has no equal
His mold was broken, won't be no sequel.
Head Don
(Bring Me My Bride)
Head Don, Head Don, he is the new Head Don,
The man the students all rely upon!
You ask of us, why such an awful fuss?
He takes a dozen classes and his marks are all A plus.
Give us a D, give us an O, and an N
And what do you have then?
He's a Don for all men.
Head Don, Head Don, a blend of brains and brawn
We're going to be despondent when he's gone.
He wrote this song, it did not take him long
He tells the frosh what course to take and he is never wrong.
We think he's great, say it again.
He is a genuine Renaissance man!
(WITH GIRLFRIENDS) [AND DONS]
I do what I can!
I, Don Giovanni
I am on the Dean's list.
I am athlete of the year, (sigh)
I'm always in good cheer, (sigh)
I drink a lot of beer, (sigh)
I have a lot of books, (sigh)
And natural good looks.
I, Don Giovanni, (Him, Don Giovanni)
[He's perfect at sports]
I, Don Giovanni, (Him, Don Giovanni)
[And witty retorts]
I, ([Head]) in class the most admired
([Don]) In thought, the most inspired,
([Head]) In love, the most desired,
([Don]) As friend, the most unique,
Look at my physique!
I'm the Head Don, (He's the Head Don)
I'm the Head Don, [He's the Head Don]
I've a Hunch
(Being Green)
It's not easy being bent,
Hoping the world won't notice your shape,
And knowing that people will cross a great desert,
walk a mile for a camel,
But they won't walk with me.
It isn't easy being bent,
Seeing shoes instead of the skies,
And wondering whether, for a moment, anybody
Will see love in my eyes.
But being low to the ground,
Has its perqs, though it's strange.
Cause with your ear to the pavement,
and your eye to the gutter,
You find more loose change.
When life has dealt a savage blow,
You've got to roll with the punch,
Keep rising, keep shining.
So I'm bent? So what? I feel wonderful,
And, I guess, it's only a hunch.
Null Opera End
(Orpheus (Speedy Muffler Theme))
We beat the Hunchback expertly
And so, I'm sure you'll all agree
That evil always pays a price
And Ottomodo wasn't nice.
Yet still you may be sure my friends
Although it seems this story ends
All of us have bills to pay
So we'll return another day!
Biceps and thighs!
The hero always gets the chicks.
Evil bad guys
Always up to dirty tricks.
And we actors
Are off to make a sequel now
Off to make a sequel now
A sequel now, a sequel now, a sequel!
Grad Club Rendezvous
(Seaside Rendezvous)
Grad Club, whenever you drink along with me
I gotta tell ya, it's my favourite pub
(This) tastes vile - I think that they brewed it in the tub
It's such a sorry excuse for a beer
I need a drink so badly
You can order up another round, I'll pay gladly
Elbows are bendable at a commendable Grad Club Rendezvous.
We're alcoholic, see we're drinking again
Yeah, we're drinking another time
(Oooh we're like that)
Symbolic of the binges to which I am prone
Like in the reading week season
I hit the Caribbean, spend my student loan
It's so fashionable.
(DANCE/INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)
Somebody's dancing on my brain
God, I need another beer
(A drink would stop that dancing)
What a damn jolly good idea
With just the tiniest lock of the hair of the dog
(FINDING A HAIR IN HER DRINK)
My head becomes quite clear.
We won't make a peep as
We congregate surreptitiously
Flappers, mobsters, all that jazz
(If they) catch us, we're gonna be bound for Alcatraz
They say it's stupid to do but we dare
We're drinking distilled spirits
So keep it very quiet or the campus'll hear its
Whole population'll want a sensational
Grad Club Rendezvous (How deplorable)
Grad Club Rendezvous (Woo-hoo)
Grad Club Rendezvous (Give us a sip)
Do You Hear The People Laugh?
(Do You Hear The People Sing?)
Now is paradise regained, but we have paid a heavy price,
Once again man is hurled into a world of pain and sacrifice,
If the story you have seen caused you to shed regretful tears,
Think for a moment on the fate of your own careers.
If you find the kind of life you're leading here to be a gas,
And you'd hate to leave the campus with your graduating class,
You're bound to excel as a permanent member of FASS.
Will you join in our crusade? Who will be mad enough to try?
Is there a crazy fool among you who'll be proud to do or die?
Do you hear the people laugh? They could be laughing right at you,
All of this glory could be yours if you join the crew.
Do you promise to return? Let us regale you with our song,
If we do not pervert the words too much then you can sing along,
When we next put on a show favour us with your presence here,
This is a gesture you can keep as a souvenir:
Thumbs up - until next year!
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