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FASS 2003: The "cultural part of the show" included an opera, complete with a chorus of dancing chickens.
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Opening Song
(On Broadway)
They say the future's lookin' bright on T.V. [On T.V.]
It's the year that FASS goes on the air
We've made a pilot episode
That's gonna leave "The Simpsons" cold
We're guaranteed a healthy Nielson share
They say the crew is something else on T.V. [On T.V.]
I could sit and watch them work all night
It's okay, I've got the time
Cos all I've got is one short line
But at least that line is mine tonight
They say that FASS won't last too long on T.V. [On T.V.]
Catch a Safety Van, "Go Home!" they tell me
But that ain't right, I know they're wrong
We'll last longer than the opening song
And we won't quit till we're all stars on T.V.
It won't be long till we're all stars on T.V.
A Little TV Station
(A Lotta Locomotion)
ALL: A little TV station, that's what we are
Though we may be tiny, we are going far
From our dedication, it is plain to see
This TV station is the place to be
A little TV station that muddles through
While serving students at UW
For more information, well now lend an ear
And we will tell you what we do 'round here
CARLA: I'm Carla Carlson, it's me who runs this place
As the station manager, the problems I must face
From discipline to censorship
They're driving me insane
But just when I've got 'em solved
Then along comes Blaine
BLAINE: I'm Blaine N. Simple, you can call me sir
I will be top dog someday, of that you can be sure
A little TV station's a stepping stone
On the way to runnin'
A station of my own
SAM: I'm Mr. Castle, my friends call me Sam
For all intents and purposes
I'm Carla's right hand man
It's very nice to meet you
But it's time for me to go
I'm not supposed to be here till later in the show
ALL: A little TV station with its own shows
A shoestring budget keeps us on our toes
We've an obligation to provide to you
High qual'ty shows we can't afford to do
A little TV station that needs a hand
Why don't you come and join our merry band
A little TV station is the place to be
Let's get the writers writing
Let's check the sound and lighting
Don't you find this exciting?
MIKE: This exciting? It's almost fright'ning
ALL: This TV station is the place for me
I Can See It Now
(If My Friends Could See Me Now)
Now, Dr. Young, he says to me
He'll get rid of Carla and the new boss I'll be
My dream come true
My fantasy
I will make this little TV station all it can be
Oh, I can see it now
When this whole station's mine
The crew will have to listen and they'll toe the line
When my new rules of conduct go in effect
They'll have to give me long-awaited respect
And there'll be changes made
To each and ev'ry show
While the crew's escapades
Well, they will have to go
I will have my dream come true
UWTV
If the Provost's deal goes through
Oh, I can see it now
UWTV
Will be A-number one, so look out NBC
We'll leave The Cosby Show behind in the dust
With all the first-rate sponsors switchin' to us
So we'll have ratings high
And we'll have profits large
The only reason why
Is they put me in charge
I will have my dream come true
UWTV
If the Provost's deal goes through
At CKMS
(You Can't Hurry Love)
I need someone
On the air at nine
I need to find, find someone to fill time
So, Bernie, please
Join CKMS
You can do your own show
Be the hit of the airwaves
Superstar of radio
And CKMS
No, we're not on TV
Just listen, imagine
What you get ain't what you see
Sometimes I feel I'm in this war alone
UWTV, they must be overthrown
Right now, the only thing that keeps us hangin' on
Is our valiant staff but they're almost gone
And remember that at
CKMS
We are all volunteers
We'll take artsies and mathies
Even a few engineers
And CKMS
We have no hit parade
Cuz the hotter the single
The fewer times that it is played
And now break
If TV
Leaves you queasy
Then consider doin' a lot less viewin'
Let a soft voice talk to you awhile
Ninety-four point five
The FM dial
We'll keep fighting
Ooh, until the day
That TV stations go away
And remember that
At CKMS
Where the disk jockeys freeze
We need no advertising
Cuz we got your student fees
And CKMS
Where the lesbians leap
An alternative station
With no audience to keep
Secret Cajun Men
(Secret Agent Man)
Seven chefs who lead a life of cooking
They fight crime when no one else is looking
Their dishes would dismay the Galloping Gourmet
Avoid the coq au vin with fries tomorrow
Secret Cajun Men! Secret Cajun Men!
They're seven cooks in number, crimefighting is their game
Beware the pickled wieners they prepare
There's been a tiny botulism scare
If you let just one sip, of their sauces past your lips
Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow
Secret Cajun Men! Secret Cajun Men!
Their breadsticks taste like lumber, their entrees cause ptomaine
And when they're finished serving Village slime
They turn their recipes to fighting crime
Each villain they defeat, they wish bon appetit
He'll eat humble pie for lunch tomorrow
Seven Cajun Men! Seven Cajun Men!
If they add one more member, they'll have to change their name
Software in One Night
(Music of the Night)
Night time shortens, tightens compilation
Hacks all stir and go to their workstation
All the normal users sign off the computers
Quickly, deftly we begin our writing
But first we turn off all fluorescent lighting
Feed your face obscene - ly with food from a machine
Turn your thoughts away from health or friends and write
A thousand lines of software in one night.
Stick with me and I'll teach you all you need to know
Every piece of arcane computer lore
Like what those stools in the I-C-R are for...
And you'll live on the Math Building's third floor...
Software's, how I make the ladies love me
(I) Write it, sell it, make a lot of money
I snobbishly condemn anything from I-B-M.
If it's Unix then I know it must be right.
For Unix was created late at night.
You I know are doubtful of my might.
Until you check your Visa bills tonight.
Carla, Won't You Lighten Up?
(Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da)
Chief, I see the grim despair upon your face
And I see the furrow in your brow.
Think of all the things you like about this place
And try to find the silver lining in this cloud.
Just sit back, and relax, don't get fed up.
This is my advice to you.
Don't lose hope, you can cope, keep your head up.
Carla, don't you be so blue.
Life is far too long to be a pessimist.
Got to put that glint back in your eyes.
Maybe you should contact your optometrist
And try some rose coloured glasses on for size.
When you're down, don't you frown, wait a while, Chief.
Things are gonna brighten up.
Gloom and doom leave no room for a smile, Chief.
Carla, won't you lighten up?
And you can be an optimist like me.
Zulu Dawn
(Delta Dawn)
Zulu Dawn
What's that warpaint you have on?
Have you got a pointed spear to throw at me?
And did I hear you say you'd be razing the fort today
To reclaim all your tribal property?
I'm Quitting
(Laverne And Shirley Theme)
This is your big chance, so take it.
I give up my claim, so stake it.
I'm gonna walk away from UWTV.
No one's gonna hold you back, Blaine.
I can't take the endless back pain.
You're free to make a mess of UWTV.
I have lost the will to try.
Working with you is impossible.
That's why, there's no stopping me.
I'm gonna do it!
I was feeling tired and older.
Now the weight is off my shoulders.
Hope you enjoy your little coup.
And so it's fitting, I'm quitting.
I don't care what you do.
Because I'm splitting, I'm quitting,
I've seen the last of you.
Cause I am through!
Election
(Greased Lightning)
YOUNG: This gal can be
Diplomatic
Democratic
Bureaucratic
Why she could be president
AUDREY: They say the Fed Pres is selected by democracy
BLAINE: Keep talking, oh, keep talking
AUDREY: I say that is bullshit, nothing but hypocrisy
BLAINE: She'll get elected; she'll kill to get elected
AUDREY: Take a little doubletalk
Add a lotta poppycock
And to losers' chagrin
That's the way I like to win
Elections
OTHERS: Go, go, go, ...
AUDREY: Lying, cheating, stealing, and some dirty tricks
OTHERS: Election, Fed Election
AUDREY: That's what I call creative use of politics
OTHERS: Election, Fed Election
AUDREY: I'm gonna sin
I'm gonna win
Fed Election
AUDREY: We've got Blaine and me and Iona Lott in league
Add Dr. Donny Young and, brother, you've got intrigue
All together we conspire
Just to get what we desire
And we desire cash
So we're gonna have to trash
Elections
OTHERS: Go, go, go ...
AUDREY: Well, if my three opponents all get disqualified
OTHERS: Election, Fed Election
AUDREY: The students are left with only one way to decide
OTHERS: Election, Fed Election
AUDREY: I'll be supreme
And that'll mean
Fed Election
Blaine, You're A Failure
(Beauty School Dropout)
It isn't hard to see
UWTV
Has come to a complete and grinding halt.
The viewers have all fled, now.
Your staff all want you dead, now.
And Blaine, I'm here to tell you it's your fault.
Blaine, you're a failure.
Oh, you just haven't got a clue.
Now I'll detail your
Many deficiencies to you.
Well, you've made your people mis'rable, your leadership is lacking
And you wouldn't last ten minutes here without the Provost's backing.
You're in a crunch, Blaine.
Oh, you're a walking sacrifice.
So let's do lunch, Blaine
And I will give you some advice
If you follow my agenda, you will soon be startin' off
You'll be a bigger name than Brandon Tartikoff
Ask me no questions
And I will salvage your career.
Take my suggestions
Or you'll be out on your ear.
Produce a huge spectacular, a live extravaganza
And it should be a western just like Gunsmoke or Bonanza
Have a nice day, Blaine,
I hope your ratings hit the sky.
Wish I could stay, Blaine,
But I have really gotta fly.
And by the way, these simple small-time problems just won't do
So in the future, please don't call us, we'll call you.
I Don't Want A Mech Eng Man
(Only The Good Die Young)
Mech Engineering is not what it seems
There's more to its structure than girders and beams
Like all-nighter parties and boat-racing teams
And a healthy supply of men
They've been raising enrolment of women for years
It brings gender equity to engineers
And perpetuates couples with matching careers
But they took away all the fun
Cause Mech men are just too dumb
I'll get a nice iron ring and a party after graduation
I want to find a beau
With a hand to hold
And Bernie I know that this is more than just infatuation
It should be plain to see
I want a boyfriend from Biology
Now come on Bernie, don't make me wait
You scientist types can be fun on a date
But sooner or later you'll need a good mate
And I could be your biggest fan
Cause I don't want a Mech Eng man
Nigel Rathbone's Fed Election Plan
(Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)
JEFF: It was fifteen years ago last term
Nigel found another way to learn
He descended 'neath the campus floor
To where no man had gone before
Beneath the university
He found a brand new family
The intelligent bipedal rabbit clan
ALL: It's Nigel Rathbone's Fed Election Plan
That's where we must direct our toil
The intelligent bipedal rabbit clan
Can't let a single ballot spoil
Nigel Rathbone is in, Nigel Rathbone must win
[With] Nigel Rathbone's Fed Election Plan
NIGEL: It's really good to be here
I'd love to run for you
You're such a strapping voting bloc
I think you'd make good breeding stock
KIRBY: (He'd love to bring you home)
AKBAR: I don't really want to interrupt
But I think you all should listen up
Need to form a campaign strategy
That gives Nigel some sincerity
Who cares if he is one brick short?
He can win with natural charm
And Nigel Rathbone's Fed Election Plan
ALL: Nigel's Plan!
It's Live
(Rawhide)
Keep movin', movin', movin'
Though we're disapprovin'
Get the sets in place to, go live
Don't try to understand it
Cos Blaine's the one who planned it
Complete with laugh track on the side
There's been a slight omission
Of budget, drive, and vision
But Blaine's convinced the show must, air live
Move the flat! Set the props!
Set the props! Move the flat!
Move the flat! Set the props! It's live!
Check the sound! Clear the set!
Clear the set! Check the sound!
Check the sound! Clear the set! We're live!
Rollin', rollin', rollin'
Though the plot is stolen
Start the cam'ras rollin', it's live
If Blaine's show gets high ratin's
He'll keep the TV station
But we'll make sure things go awry
We'll cause such a commotion
Blaine will get a quick demotion
He'll rue the day he planned to, go live
Food Services Green Campaign
(Original Music by Jack Cooper)
ELMER: Lately our environment's been yucky
VERA: If we live till Armageddon we'll be lucky
DAWN: Here at Food Services we're all gonna pitch in
MATT: To save the world with just our humble kitchen
ALL: Shoo-bee-doo-wop Scoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-be-dee
Shoo-bee-doo-wop Scoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-be-dee
Shoo-bee-doo-wop Scoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-be-dee
Shoo-bee-doo-wop Scoo-bee-doo-bee-doo-be-dee
ELMER: We've searched high and low, from Accounting to Zoology
To serve you up food that is nice to our ecology
Each and every meal
Our mystery meat won't arrive with an apology
'Cause we get it fresh from the test lab of psychology
Before it starts to congeal
ALL: 'Cause we're really keen to keep UW clean
We're gonna turn you green
DAWN: We won't dispose of food that's decomposed
We recycle each and every essential food group
Our budgie wings and onion rings
And greasy, grimy, grungy things
Will all go in tomorrow's soup
ELMER: You may wonder why
Our food always stinks and our attitude is awful
Why we ruin every hamburger, salad and falafel
The answer is quite clear
The less you consume, the more food we'll be a-stretching
So we'll always make sure that our lunch will leave you retching
Y'all come back now, you hear
ALL: 'Cause we're really keen to keep UW clean
We're gonna turn you green
'Cause we're really keen to keep UW clean
We're gonna turn you green
'Cause we're really keen to keep UW clean
We're gonna turn you green
Intelligent Bipedal Rabbit Clan
(Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)
The Intelligent Bipedal Rabbit Clan
Is tired of living underground.
The Intelligent Bipedal Rabbit Clan,
We want to turn our lives around.
Want an education! Run the Federation!
Bunny hop inside the Safety Van.
Closing Song
(TV Theme Medley)
(Cheers Theme)
Making your way
Though exams today
Takes everything you've got.
Taking a break
From all your studies
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you rather be on stage?
So come and join the show
Where you can have a silly name
And the jokes are all the same
You wanna be where you can see
People are really strange
You wanna have a good time for a change
(Greatest American Hero theme)
Look at what's happened to me
I learned every line on each page
Suddenly I'm getting laughs and applause
Just for appearing on stage
Believe it or not I'm acting in FASS
I never thought I could have such fun
I don't care if I fail or I pass
Look what I've done
I'm acting in FASS '91
Under the heat of the stage light
My makeup is starting to melt
I gotta get out of the clothes that I'm in
'Cause my costume is leaving a welt
Believe it or not I'm acting in FASS
I never thought I could have such fun
I just don't care if I fail or I pass
Look what I've done
I'm acting in FASS '91
(Beverly Hillbillies theme)
So now's the time to say goodbye
From FASS to you my friend
And so we'd like to thank you all
For stayin' till the end
Hope we'll see you all in '92, Humanities
To watch us havin fun with our theatricalities
(SPOKEN)
FASS, that is
Silly songs
Same old jokes
Y'all come back now -- hear
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