FASS
(Free)
HARRY: Oh what a show! Oh what a show!
I know you think, I think you know
How we might do.
CHORUS: No matter how you think it might go ...
New songs, old jokes, a dancing revue ...
Special effects, and sets by the tech crew!
I bet you never thought we'd be here in ninety(-two)
It's the FASS Show!
ALL: We've been doing this for thirty years, as of tonight.
(This) time we'll get it right.
FASS!
And the set is built and painted,
so bring up the lights.
It's the FASS Show! What a FASS Show.
We have chosen as our theme this year,
Mythology
As you soon will see
FASS!
And our songs are almost written,
La-la-la la-lee
It's la FASS Show! La la FASS Show!
It's a musical and dra-ma comedy show
It's our thirtieth anniversary
And we're here to show you just how far we can go
We're more lively than a lecture in Biology
And we're slicker than a surface in Topology
It's the FASS Show and we're taking on Mythology
Glad you dropped in, now to begin
It's our musical and dra-ma comedy show
And it's gonna be a show with class
And we're here to shake up
ev'rything that you know
That sometimes our jokes are
tasteless and a little crass
We throw rocks although we're
living in a house of glass.
All those rumours that you've
heard have been erroneous
CAST: FASS! (HARRY: Sing it!)
FASS! (HARRY: Spell it!)
F! A! Double -- (HARRY: No, the long way!)
ALL: F! A! S! S!
FASS!
Mad
(Bad)
My craziness / I can't disguise.
I'll never win / A Nobel Prize.
The other profs / They hate my guts
I think it's 'cause / They think I'm nuts.
I am.
I am --
I am crazy. So what?
I blow things up / I melt things down.
I dim the lights / All over town.
I like to mess / With DNA
I don't care what / The others say.
And I don't know much 'bout ethics,
Never hear my conscience call.
The social consequences
Don't bother me at all
Because
I'm mad! I'm mad! Come on,
I'm mad! I'm mad! You know it! (You know)
I'm mad! I'm mad! Come on,
And the whole world's my Meccano set,
Let me tell you once again
Who's mad!
So now you come / And say to me
You need a god / A.S.A.P.
The schedule's tough / The money's gone.
But I'm insane / I moonwalk on.
I work all night / I work all day
I find that sleep / Gets in the way.
But I've had to cut some corners
And it may not work, who knows?
But if this thing's unstable,
I'll be here when it blows!
Because
I'm mad! I'm mad! Oh yeah!
I'm mad! I'm mad! You know it! (You know)
I'm mad! I'm mad! Come on,
And the whole world's just a toy to me,
Let me tell you once again
Who's mad!
It's Still Utter Hell To Me
(It's Still Rock And Roll To Me)
HI: What's the matter with my calculator?
LOIS: It won't do you a bit of good.
HI: Will it help me solve this Taylor series?
LOIS: No, you must've misunderstood.
Let me tell you something strictly confidential
Anything you do is just a waste of a pencil.
BOTH: Algebra, Calculus, you might think it's fabulous,
It's still utter hell to me.
Oh, it doesn't matter what it says in the textbook
'Cause the language is all Greek to me.
There's a new theorem now
But I can't figure out,
what this question is supposed to mean
HI: I need a shot of caffeine.
HI: What's the matter with this integration?
LOIS: You have to differentiate.
HI: Will I ever be a straight 'A' student?
LOIS: You'll be lucky just to graduate.
HI: Back as a frosh, I thought it would be easy,
Now the thought of math is enough
to make me queasy.
BOTH: Even when they talked about the New Math, honey,
It was still utter hell to me.
HI: I think I need a stimulant,
'cause flunking out is imminent
It's still utter hell to me.
The Stone Song
(Who Will Buy?)
LOKI: Will you buy these magic Norn Stones?
They could solve all your problems.
VENUS: I'm so blue... I desi-re my dear Chuckie.
I must ha-ave my dear Chuckie.
LOKI: You should buy a magic Norn Stone...
VENUS: I just wa-ant my dear Chuckie.
LOKI: ... Yo-our wish could be granted.
CROWD: We know what he wants!
Put Hercules down!
LOKI: Will you buy? (HOLD)
VENUS: Should I buy? (HOLD)
CROWD: You should buy! (HOLD)
NEWFIE: I's the bye!
LOKI: You may dream of winning a lott'ry
Raving fans, a bountiful crop.
Don't forsake this deal of a lifetime,
Use your Stone today / And make the Hero pay,
This Stone will put you at the top!
CROWD: There'll never be a deal so stunning
If it's re-venge you seek.
Or to make her Chuckie come running,
Although he's such a geek!
LOKI: ... he's such a geek!
VENUS: If I buy your wonderful Norn Stone
Will it make my Chuckie love me?
We must date, this goddess commands it.
I'll make a wish today / So he won't get away,
Because our love was meant to be.
(BRIDGE)
LOKI & CROWD:
Now they've bought their magical Norn Stones.
Paid a lot, they must be half-mad!
What they got will prove to be useless.
They'll have to take their knocks.
They think they own pet rocks...
But they don't know that they've been had!
(BIG ENDING) HAD! HAD!
A Story
(Tomorrow)
I've got a deadline tomorrow
Gotta have a story by tomorrow, or I'm through
No Pulitzer Prize, no trenchcoat
I'll be lucky if I get to keep my, paper route
Here I'm stuck with a yutz, who's nuts, and crazy
Boss threw me a pen, and then, she said:
"You've got a deadline, tomorrow,
Better get your story in tomorrow, no delay."
Tomorrow's too near,
There goes my career,
My future has washed away.
Here I'm stuck with this goof,
No proof of deities
How do I begin, to win, this fight?
I'm finished without, a story
There's no way for me to make some headlines,
So I'm through.
A story, a story,
Please send me a story,
My future depends on you.
They Don't Build Us Temples Anymore
(You Don't Bring Me Flowers)
RA: They don't build us temples
They don't sing our praises
ZEUS: They hardly notice us anymore
Stuck on that mountain so far from the world
HERA: I remember when ...
All the cosmos feared us
No one dared offend us
Now we're just unemployed deities
ISIS: Well they just don't realize
How hard it can be
To find a job when you're five thousand three
And they don't build us temples, anymore
ZEUS: Used to be so natural
HERA: (Used to be)
ZEUS: Thought we'd work forever
But that old thunder and lightning crap
Gets really tired, before you can snap
ISIS: Baby, I remember
All the things we gave them
RA: We gave them sun and we gave them sea
HERA: Then Democracy, and the NDP
ALL: So you'd think they would let us collect UIC
They don't build us temples, anymore
Well, you'd think they'd exempt us from the GST
Z & H: And they don't say they need us
R & I: They don't sing our praises
ALL: They don't build us temples, anymore
One Fine Day You're Gonna Want Us For An A
(One Fine Day)
One fine day / You'll want to flee
Because your transcript is just / Full of C's
One fine day you're gonna want us for an A
(Gonna want us for an A)
Those marks you long for / Although you've tried
They'll be within your reach cuz / We're a free ride
One fine day you're gonna need us for an A
Life is hard so we / Would not blame ya
For taking refuge in the past
Rise and fall of Mes- / -opotamia
Lets you get some sleep while your average goes up fast
(Oh!)
Take some courses / With no relevance
And the gods will smile down / With benevolence
One fine day you're gonna want a C.S. course
One fine day you're gonna want a C.S. course
And we know there will / Come a time
When you will have to transfer down
We'll be waiting for / That day my friend
You'll transfer to us when marks plummet to the ground
(Oh!)
That fine day / Your grades will soar
And you will wonder what you'd / Been waiting for
One fine day you're gonna want a C.S. course
One fine day you're gonna want a C.S. course
It's Fun to be a Bad Guy Anyway
(Y.M.C.A.)
LOKI: Young man, won't you listen to me?
I said, young man, what do you want to be?
As a good guy, you must be squeaky clean.
PLUTO: There's no need to be so sappy
Young man, though we're booed and we're jeered
I say, young man, we are not loved, we're feared
ERIS: And yes, we know, that we pick jerks for friends
And we always lose in the end
ALL: It's fun to be a bad guy anyway
It's fun to be a bad guy anyway
LOKI: We do everything that we can to annoy
PLUTO: We can pil-lage, maim and destroy
ALL: It's fun to be a bad guy anyway
It's fun to be a bad guy anyway
ERIS: You can fulfill your greed
LOKI: You can lie, cheat and steal
ALL: You can do whatever you feel
LOKI: Young man,
ERIS: And the young women too
Now that we're here, well the good guys are through
We are brilliant,
LOKI: And we're darn funny too
ALL: There is no way that we can lose
LOKI: Eris, and the Plutster are here
ERIS: We have Loki,
PLUTO: Though he is very weird
LOKI: With these Norn Stones, the good-guys are gon-ers
BILLY: That's why we'll win, won't we Rhonda?
ALL: It's fun to be a bad guy anyway
It's fun to be a bad guy anyway
LOKI: We do everything that we can to annoy
PLUTO: We can pil-lage, maim and destroy
ALL: It's fun to be a bad guy anyway
It's fun to be a bad guy anyway
ERIS: You can fulfill your greed
LOKI: You can lie, cheat and steal
ALL: You can do whatever you feel
Exercise
(Potiphar)
You've been wandering round in a daze
Trying to find your way around this maze
Navigating endless hallways
Ad nauseum
Tired, out of breath, you came to me
So I brought you to the place to be
'Cause I know my way around this blee-
Ding labyrinth
Exercise those thunder thighs
and stay away from fatt'ning pies
And stretch until you're agonized and mutilate your muscles.
Run in place before you chase,
make sure to keep a steady pace
And you will surely win this race,
but only if you hustle.
When you start to stretch be smart
and don't tear ligaments apart and
Check your loudly thumping heart beat for irregularity.
If you work and do not shirk
then you will certainly soon look
Like Atlas and have wondrous perks
like massive popularity.
Chuckie
(Memory)
VENUS: Mortal
Yet with unsurpassed beauty
And the charm of a sun god
He has forsaken me
When I find him, he'll understand what power I wield
And he will, begin to moan.
Chuckie
How could I be so lucky?
To have found such a young man
Why do you not love me?
Is it my breath, or perhaps my underarms smell?
Come to me Chuckie, come with me.
Ev'ry day I long to be
With you, as you scoop ice cream
(But) When I'm / there, you turn and run far from me
You ruin my self-esteem
CHUCKIE: Venus
Don't let love come between us
Please don't take this the wrong way
But we still can be friends
VENUS: Just come with me, you'll understand what ecstasy is
Come or no, you will be mine.
We're the Inspiration
(You're the Inspiration)
ERATO: We think it's fairly plain to see
That campus cops have hardly ever
Had an hour to live that's free
Since their days are filled with dang'rous crime.
TERPSI.: You should try / Spread your wigs and fly
Life is but a laugh, just a scream, try to smile (Billy)
MUSES: We're the meaning in your life
We're your inspiration
Warn that if your verse gives strife
Death by strangulation.
EUTERPE: Gotta use your brain cell
Gotta wake and smell the coffee
No more parking slips, they're bad for you.
MUSES: Now learn how to live a life
Feel anticipation
Thought and feeling in your life
ERATO: Then there's copulation
MUSES: When you find sombody's brains are filled with slime
When you find sombody, make him use his mind.
When you find somebody lost in life and rhyme
When you find somebody, make him club a mime.
The Trojans
(Les Poissons (The Little Mermaid))
ACHILLES: The Tro-jans, The Trojans
How I hate the Trojans
Want to carve and to hack at their shins.
First I'll cut off their hands
Then put clamps on their jaws
And give 'em all Mulroney chins.
I Could Have Hammed All Night
(I Could Have Danced All Night)
KIM: I could have hammed all night
Kept on about my plight
And made them sob and weep
I could have sung to him
And made the show more grim
Than films with Meryl Streep
Working at Fed Hall
(Master of the House)
CHRIS: Welcome, my friends / How do you do?
This is the best pub / In Waterloo.
LIZA: Come right on in / There's quite a crowd.
Don't try to talk / The music's too loud.
IRVING: Though your student fees / Pay our salaries,
Before you hit the floor / Show me your ID's.
IRVING: Working at Fed Hall / Guarding the front door,
Throwing all the trouble makers off the floor.
Breakers of the law / Disturbers of the peace.
Wish that they were dealing with L.A. Police.
If you're on your best behaviour,
I won't have to bust your heads.
It's great that I can be so
Violent with the blessing of the Feds.
CHRIS: Working at Fed Hall / As a guest D.J.
Regulars won't recognize the tunes I play.
Music to the ears / Lots of saxophones,
Classics like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.
You will hear no techno-pop here.
You won't catch me playing rap.
I wonder if that's prudent.
Students really seem to like that crap.
LIZA: I used to dream / Success would be my fate.
But look what happened, after I did graduate.
Working at Fed Hall / Is no life for me.
In Class-ical Studies, I'm a Ph.D.
Serving up the slop / It's not fit to eat,
Working thirteen hours, always on my feet.
But I think that I've discovered
The reason I had no success.
I'm not educated / Cause I graduated in C.S.
ALL: Working at Fed Hall.
LIZA: Federation Hell.
ALL: Nightclub, pub, and restaurant
LIZA: And none done well.
ALL: Students need a place
To hang out when they're bored.
LIZA: So why charge 'em prices they cannot afford?
ALL: Federation built the building.
Student money bought it all.
Everybody give a cheer!
LIZA: Students, you should shed a tear!
ALL: Everybody give a cheer for the Federation Hall.
The Muses
(We [The Roches])
MUSES: We guide dancers and flautists and poets
(But) We never get any credit for it
We're not celebrated
We have no priesthood and no altars
(Not one single altar)
We only want some respect
And the occasional holy day
APOLLO: Why don't you three cut a record?
And if you want, I'll manage your act
You could sell more records
Than Michael Jackson or Madonna
(We'd outsell Madonna)
A contract is what you need
To make your mark in the music world
MUSES: We guide dancers and flautists and poets
We spell our stage name, M-U-S-E-S
Being In A FASS Show's A Delight
(There's A Light At The End Of The Tunnel)
SOLO 1: CS has been reinstated.
All the deities are gone.
Now it is the time to sing the FASS closing song.
ALL: We've arrived at the end of the FASS show.
We made no claims of being a class show.
Our acting might not be brilliant tonight,
But the bright shining smiles on the cast show
It was a "fun from the first till the last" show.
It's true we might not do ev'rything right,
But just being in a FASS show's a delight.
Now the president said "Yes,
Let's cut C.S."
And the students, we confess,
This did not impress.
They did their best
To solve this mess
By summoning the god Apollo.
GRP A: And the gods came down
GRP B: (Lots did follow)
GRP A: Down to U. of Waterloo
GRP B: (What'll we do? What'll we do?)
GRP A: With an Egyptian god (GRP. A: Ra! Ra! Ra)
And some Norse deities going "Ja, -- Ja."
ALL: Meanwhile, three gods who were like J.R. Ewing
Conceived a plan that was pure evil-doing.
Four Norn Stones, would transport this zone,
But then the Scoops dude that Ve-nus was wooing
Clobbered Lo-ki and caused their undoing.
With their cover blown, they high-tailed it home.
This plot puts FASS in a class all of its own.
(MUSICAL BRIDGE FOR FEATURE CHOREOGRAPHY.)
SOLO 2: Come next year, this hall from floor to rafter
Will be filled with gales of laughter.
ALL: So won't you join us as part of the FASS show.
And we will make '93 an unsurpassed show.
Whatever you do, FASS can make use of you,
Cause that is really the point of the FASS show.
It's the yearly, "we all have a blast" show.
So come on, ev'ryone,
Come out and have fun,
Cause being in a FASS show's a delight.
Good night!
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