On The Big Screen
(Under The Sea)
De kitchen is always cleaner
When all of de house is fake
De banter is always keener
When you get a second take
De clothes, dey are more revealing
De villains, dey have more class
Old movies are so appealing
Dey're being ripped off by FASS
On de big screen, on de big screen
Scenery's pretty, small talk is witty
People are lean
In de real world, dey fuss and fret
But on de screen dey never sweat
No one got pimples, life is so simple
On de big screen.
Up dere all de folks are happy
Dey kiss and dey shoot de gun
Down here life is pretty crappy
We never have any fun
But you'll get a happy ending
You'll leave de show feeling good
We know dat it's condescending
So what? Dis is Hollywood.
On de big screen, on de big screen
Even de fools, dey got swimming pools
All blue with chlorine
And you can always park your car
Even on de road to Zanzibar
Houses are castles!
No one got hassles,
On de big screen.
Play it again, you know de one, Sam
And frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn
Let's put on a show in father's garage
Kid, here's looking at you
Me Tarzan, you Jane, Me sing in the rain
Me King Kong, Me Shane, Me Citizen Kane
Me Part de Red Sea, Me kill Janet Leigh
You and your little dog too!
On de big screen, on de big screen
Everybody smokes but nobody croaks
From nicotine
And even if de script says dat you're doomed
Even as you die you'll be well-groomed
Death is photogenic,
Everything is scenic!
On de big screen
Budgets are immense and everyone can fence
On de big screen
You can find romance and everyone can dance
Every day is spring and everyone can sing
Cars get into wrecks and everyone has sex
On de big screen!
Swing An Epee
(Swing On A Star)
MANDY: Would you like to swing an epee
While engaged in light repartee
Hear your enemies cry, "Touche!"
Or would you rather use a foil?
BUFFY: Now a foil is a fencing sword
Whose hand guard is flat
It's great when you want to kill a rat
SHIRL: The blade cross-section is rectangu-lair
And soon I'll thrust it through your derriere
So when this sword severs through a major vein
ALL: You'll bellow, "Curses, foiled again!"
Three Lonely Maids From Leeds
(Three Little Maids From School)
ALL: Three lonely maids from Leeds are we
Pretty but unwed as you see
Due to our uncles senility
Three lonely maids from Leeds.
MARY: First little maid now is passion's slave
MARTHA: Second little maid now does romance crave
REGGIE: Third little maid sure could use a shave
ALL: Three lonely maids from Leeds
M&M: Two lonely maids with voices airy
REGGIE: One with a fault pituitary
M&M: Two of them pleased to finally marry
Two wedded maids from Leeds
REGGIE: One lonely maid from Leeds.
The Ballad Of The Baseball Game
(The Gilligan's Island Theme)
The Americans knew baseball well
The Mounties, not at all
They went to bat with hockey sticks
With pucks instead of balls
The Yanks were a mighty hitting team
A brave Atlanta band
But when it came to making outs
The Mounties got their man
They always got their man
The Mountie team was down by three
As inning nine rolled 'round
They looked up to the Canadian flag
But it hung upside down
Yanks hung it upside down
Riled up by this, they filled the sacks
Big Dan hit one a mile
The Mounties won
Their skipper cheered
The millionaire lost his wife
She professed her love, married Dan
Here's to Canada's style.
Murder She Sang
(Ascot Gavotte)
Oh! The detective inspector's here,
And the suspects we suspect are here,
At this serious, totally mysterious
Solving of a murder here tonight.
In the hallway all our learned visitors,
Are practising to deceive,
At this wondrous, (en)lightening and thunderous
Solving of a mystery Christmas Eve.
Just who are these
Guilty parties?
Will it go well,
On this very merry Noel?
Any minute now, if they hear their cue,
They'll come streaming in proclaiming innocence --
Oh Look! It's quarter to!
Well it looks as if our job is finished,
We have cleaned everything in sight,
For this fervent, candidly observant,
Solving of a mystery here tonight.
A suspicious, thoroughly auspicious,
Solving of a murder mystery.
A Gangster's Life
(A Policeman's Lot)
DA BOSS: When society's condemning all your dealings
MUSCLES: All your dealings
DA BOSS: It's natural you'll feel a little stressed
MUSCLES: Little stressed
DA BOSS: And since no-one seems to care about our feelings
MUSCLES: We've got feelings
DA BOSS: You'll understand if we're a bit depressed
MUSCLES: We're depressed
DA BOSS: Oh sure, the job has some redeeming features
MUSCLES: Some good features
DA BOSS: We get to wear nice suits and pack a gun
MUSCLES: Pack a gun
DA BOSS: But when you're shunned by every living creature
MUSCLES: Every creature
DA BOSS: A gangster's life is not a lot of fun
ALL: Oh!
Though we get to wear nice suits and pack a gun, pack a gun
A gangster's life is not a lot of fun, lot of fun
At the end of day when all our crime is done, crime is done
A gangster's life is not a lot of fun, lot of fun
The Oscar Show
(Hooray For Hollywood)
This is the Oscar Show
That boring, yawning, snoring Oscar Show
Where each award is really quite exciting
'Til they're inviting
Someone to give us a speech
To thank his mother,
His sis' and brother,
And any other at his beseech
Here at the Oscar Show
It's never over 'til there ain't no mo'
So if by chance you think that this is boring
Please hold your snoring
You'll wake your neighbour, you know!
And if this lasts too long
We'll need a different song
To start the Oscar Show!
And if this song is dumb
The best is yet to come!
Let's start the Oscar Show!
Women And Men
(Enid)
ALL: Women and men will never know each other anyway.
Women and men will never know each other anyway.
LIZZY: It took me twelve years to know we were different
LANCE: It took me two more to figure out how, wo-wo
SAPPHO: The opposite sex could scare me just breathing
SID: And I could get horny with one glimpse of your eyebrow
ALL: Women and men will never know each other anyway
Women and men will never know each other anyway
Always afraid to ever show each other anyway.
Women and men will never know each other anyway
BUTCH: There were times I wanted to love you
PLECTRUM: And there were times that maybe I did, wo-wo
SAPPHO: But when I was finally ordered to kill you
I just couldn't pull the trigger, Sid.
MEN: Now it's not fair to say we're just victims of our culture
WOMEN: And it's not fair to say that there never were any good times
MEN: But maybe it's fair to say that we've usually acted like morons
WOMEN: We were quick to dismiss you too and we liked to insult your pride
And demean it
ALL: We were never good to you.
WOMEN: We will let you go, we won't shoot you all dead
MEN: We will die for you, lie for you, make an alibi for you
WOMEN: We will cook your favourite foods
We won't get in cranky moods
MEN: We'll do everything for you
But put the seat down
ALL: Women and men will never know each other anyway
Women and men will never know each other anyway
Jerusalem
(New York New York)
Start filling the pews,
It's opening day,
I'll set a good example in Jerusalem
Those Wandering Jews
With no place to pray,
Now have a brand new temple in Jerusalem
I think you'll find that My performance is so unique,
You'll watch it three shows a day,
Six days a week!
You cannot refuse,
You have to obey,
You are My captive audience, Jerusalem.
You're happy to applaud,
Because I am your God,
So take your cue, Jerusalem!
(GOD REMOVES ROBE TO REVEAL A TUXEDO. PERHAPS THE HEAVENS
DELIVER HIM A TOP HAT AND CANE)
I want to revel in the glory that stardom earns,
I know my soft-shoe is great,
Voice is superb,
I'm even taller than Mister George Burns!
Your lousy reviews,
Won't send me away.
I'm here for all eternity, Jerusalem.
If you don't like My show,
Remember Jericho,
And hit the bricks, Jerusalem!
If We Had A Decent Ending
(If I Had A Million Dollars)
If we had terrific actors,
If we had terrific actors,
We'd put on a play,
A musical comedy play.
If we had terrific writers,
If we had terrific writers,
We'd have funny things to say,
A knock-knock joke or maybe a riddle.
If we had terrific techies,
If we had terrific techies,
We'd have working props,
A nice reliable spinning wheel.
If we had a decent budget,
We'd do a show.
If we had some decent dialogue,
Maybe something written by the Bard.
If we had some decent punchlines,
Witty jokes to make you laugh real hard.
If we had a decent ending,
Maybe then we'd know the show was done.
SPOKEN: You mean it's over?
Not yet there's still 4 performances left to go.
It's been a lot of fun though.
Do we get a party after the show?
You bet.
Cool.
Did you know you've had something big and
green stuck between your teeth all show?
If we had the best director,
If we had the best director,
We'd know all our lines,
Verbatim, word for word, that's cool.
If we had the best producer,
If we had the best producer,
We'd fill up the house,
Every prof and student at this school.
If we had the best musicians,
If we had the best musicians,
They'd all play on key,
And soft enough you could hear us sing.
If we had a few good parties,
We'd do a show.
But we don't have any budget,
No we don't have any budget.
And we don't have any standards,
No we don't have any standards.
So we didn't do a show-ow-ow,
We did FASS.
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