![[description below]](/2003/photos/2003-12.jpg)
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FASS 2003: The Stall Guys (Rob LeGood and Stephen Stewart) entertain the audience between skits.
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A Play Like FASS
(A Friend Like Me)
Single and Sexy gave us troubled frosh,
And then Twelfth Night did give us men in tights.
But Waterloo's in luck 'cause, omigosh,
We got a brand new play that never bites!
We got some actors on our stage for you.
And great musicians that are really hot.
We'll have a dance, a song, some acting too,
And all you gotta do is laugh a lot!
And we'll say, Welcome to FASS, my friends.
We send you each a kiss.
Let me fix your make-up, comb your hair,
You ain't never seen a play like this!
Life can be full of woe,
But here it's full of bliss.
Just sit right back and enjoy the show,
You ain't never seen a play like this!
It's true, we're really glad to see you.
You're the audience that paid!
So cheer all night, you've got the right!
So don't worry 'bout your midterm grade!
FASS is the play to see,
The one you just can't miss.
Just what's on stage? It's all the rage!
You ain't never seen a play like this.
Wa-ah-ah. Oh my.
Wa-ah-ah. No no.
Wa-ah-ah. Ha ha ha.
Do most plays do this?
Do most plays do that?
Do most plays sing songs -- with a note this flat?
Do most plays have spunk?
Hey look at us!
Do most plays have overabundant memberships
And will make your ev'ning fabulous?
So don't you sit there slack-jawed, buggy-eyed,
We're here to entertain you through the show.
You got us really primed, electrified.
We are a singing dancing dynamo!
We got weird aliens that visit us,
An old professor who's not very nice.
A computer so bad, we can't discuss,
And you get all of this for one low price! [Oh ho]
Hey, U of Waterloo, have a laugh, it's such a blast.
'Cause this is fun, we've just begun,
You ain't never seen a play, never seen a play,
You ain't never seen a play, never seen a play,
You ain't never. Seen a. Play. Like FASS!
Wa-ah-ah. Wa-ah-ah.
You ain't never seen a play like FASS! Ya!
Interview By The Dashboard Light
(Paradise By The Dashboard Light)
JUAN: I remember every little thing
As if it happened only yesterday
I was looking for some work
And there was not a decent job in sight
And I know that I can find
Something more fulfilling than last term
When I spent my summer flipping
Burgers all through the night.
STUD.: And the Want Ads are out and the jobs all suck!
If you wanna make good money then you're out of luck!
And we're desperate for employment that relates to our classes
But we know for sure we're gonna fall flat on our asses
C'mon, we all know
That co-op blows....
Oh, it's so cold and lonely, and we know damn well
We won't get decent jobs here from Needless Hell...
SUE: Ain't no doubt about it
we were damn depressed
Cause we were under-educated
And way overdressed.
Ain't no doubt about it
Baby got to go and shout it
Ain't no doubt about it
we were damn depressed
JUAN: Cause we were under-educated
And way overdressed.
IAN: Hey, man I just checked the boards
And found out that I got an interview
Maybe things are starting to look up
A little bit this year.
ANITA: Hey, I got one too
You know I never thought I would get it
I guess it's no surprise, because of all those lies
In my resume -- probably didn't hurt a bit!
EMMA: I hate coming on campus to do interviews!
How am I supposed to find a student to choose?
`Cause they never understand the things I want them to try.
All they do is come and steal all my office supplies.
C'mon, we all know
That co-op blows...
STUD.: Oh, it's so cold and lonely, and we know damn well
It's all a waste of time here at Needless Hell...
Still, we gotta do what we can
And try to find the job that's the best
Even though you know that we are damn depressed.
`Cause we are undereducated and overdressed...
EMMA: We're gonna ask you a thing or two
Try to find out about you from an interview
We're gonna ask you a thing or two
Try to see what you're like in an interview...,
RAY: Okay, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here,
students are down, nobody's got jobs yet. The students are
getting ready. There's the wind up, the sales pitch, and it's a
hit. They've handed the employers a quite a line! Look at them
go. These kids can really fly! They're finishing off the
opening banter, and not letting up at all. They're gonna try to
take over the conversation. The interviewer boggles for a bit,
then throws them a trick question, and what a throw! The
students are stumped! They're out. No. Wait! They managed a
snappy comeback, and the employers are smiling! These kids are
really making things happen out there. Interviewers try to
pitch their companies---the students run with it. Leaving the
employers in the dirt! Holy cow, they've stolen the interview!
Taking a pretty big lead, almost daring the interviewer to cut
them off. Wait, it sounds like we might be getting a job offer.
The negotiation squeeze is on. Here comes the squeeze play,
it's gonna be close. Here's the offer, the counter-offer, it's
looks like they're going to shake hands. Holy cow, I think
they're going to make it!
ANITA: Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further -!
SUE AND ANITA:
Will you hire me?
Will you give me a job?
Do you desire me,
Or do you think I'm a slob?
Will you give me employment for the rest of the term?
Will you tell me right now, or will you make me squirm?
JUAN AND IAN:
Will you pay me?
Will you give me some work?
Do you like me?
Or do you think I'm a jerk?
Will you promise to provide me with a job I can do
Where I don't photocopy or bring coffee to you!
STUD.: I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Will you hire me?
Will you take me this work term?
EMMA: Let me rank you first,
Maybe you should let me rank you first
Let me rank you first, then
I'll give you an answer next Tuesday
Let me rank you first,
Maybe you should let me rank you first
Let me rank you first, then
I'll give you an answer next Tuesday
STUD.: Will you hire me?
Will you give me a job?
Do you desire me,
Or do you think I'm a slob?
Will you give me employment for the rest of the term?
Will you tell me right now, or will you make me squirm?
JUAN: What's it gonna be boss?
I've got three more interviews after this,
So what's it gonna be boss -- Yes or no?
EMMA: Let me rank you first,
Maybe you should let me rank you first
Let me rank you first, then
I'll give you an answer next Tuesday
JUAN: Will you give me some work?
EMMA: Let me sleep on it!!
ANITA: Will you give me some work?
EMMA: Let me sleep on it!!
EMMA: I couldn't take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
and when the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my mother's grave
That I would hire you for work this term
I swore that I'd hire you for work this term
STUD.: So now we're praying for the end of term
To hurry up and arrive
`Cause if I have to spend another minute in class
I don't think that I can really survive
I never do my homework and I never cram
And God only knows if I'll pass my exams!
So now I'm praying for the end of term
It's all that I can do.
Praying for the end of term, to end my time at Waterloo!
Sensitive Ninja Clan
(Pinball Wizard)
NINJAS: Ev'ry sensitive young ninja
Will take a sacred vow
To slaughter you with honour.
No mercy we allow.
But no insult's intended
To any woman or man.
We're [a] kinder and gentler
Sensitive ninja clan.
We have obligations.
We will torture you to death.
Bleeding on the carpets
Until your dying breath.
But first we ask politely,
Forgive us if you can.
We're [a] kinder and gentler
Sensitive ninja clan.
I'm a new age ninja.
Politic'ly correct.
A new age ninja.
We always show respect.
PIKSI: (SPOKEN) Apologize to the lady!
JINIK: (SPOKEN) I'm sorry!
DIKSI: (SPOKEN) That didn't sound sincere.
NINJAS: We'd never hurt your feelings.
We only maim and kill.
Your health alteration
Will take a special skill.
Paid depopulation;
We know you'll understand.
We're [a] kinder and gentler
Sensitive ninja clan.
Deal With Me
(Prince Ali)
IMPS: Make way, it's intensive
IRWIN: Oy vey, it's expensive
MRS. S: Dear, lend an ear to old Sophocles.
Now, prof, don't you scoff,
I'm not here to tease.
Will you take the time out to answer my appeal?
Say no, you're a schmuck,
Say yes, you're in luck,
Cuz you're gonna love this deal.
Deal with me
And you can be
Big man on campus.
To be prez
Do as I sez
Listen to me.
Just sell your immortal soul
Then make your bid for control
And soon you'll be running this un-i-vers-i-ty.
Deal with me
And alchemy
Secrets I'll give you.
You can mold
Lead into gold
Effortlessly.
And once the technique is shown
To build a Philosopher's Stone,
Your foes can be overthrown, so deal with me!
IMPS: You'll be number one among scholars.
IRWIN: We can't afford that.
IMPS: You'll get tenure
And sen-ior-i-ty.
MRS. S: Shut up, Irwin, I know what I'm doing.
IMPS: No more scratching for mere research dollars.
Yes, soon, it is true,
UW will bow to your su-pre-mac-y.
MRS. S: But you must also help out with my schemin'
IMPS: (Help with her schemin', she's always schemin')
MRS. S: By first doing a favour for me
IMPS: (Do a favour, just one favour)
MRS. S: In exchange, you'll get many a demon
IMPS: (Quite a wide array)
MRS. S: They'll do what you say, eight hours a day
A courtesy, no GST, from old me.
Deal with me!
MRS S & FASSTUS:
You and me
Together, we
Make quite a twosome
FASSTUS: And for that reason, I'll sign
My name on the dotted line
ALL: For fame and fortune, power galore
For secrets as promised
For tenure and more
FASSTUS: We'll show my oppressors
Staff and professors
The students and faculty
They must now deal with me.
I Won't Buy That
(I Will Do Anything For Love)
HP: Yes, I'll believe lots of crazy things,
You could even tell me white is black.
A & P: Dum, dum
HP: I believe lots of crazy things,
But I just don't buy the previous act
A & P: Act one.
HP: Cuz you told me that some aliens arrived in Waterloo.
No way!
Oh I'll believe lots of crazy things,
But I don't buy that.
I don't buy that.
Lots of crazy things,
I'll believe a mathie frosh who sings
I'll believe in mystic iron rings
But I won't buy crap,
No I won't do that.
SPUDS: Some guys believe in demons
HP: And some guys have better sense
ART: Some guys believe in aliens
And other weird nonsense.
PIROU.: Some of us think a demon
Might barter for someone's soul
ALLY: Some of us simply dream of
ALL: Sex and drugs and rock'n'roll.
SPUDS: Maybe it's crazy, but my story's really true
Virginia, you tell them,
I think they'll listen up to you.
VIRG.: As long as the turnkeys are turning
As long as the keeners are learning
As long as "Hucksters" keeps changing hands
You'd better believe it.
HP: No, I'll believe lots of crazy stuff,
Tell me Elvis Presley's coming back.
A & P: The king.
HP: But now I have to say, "Enough!"
Your story makes my skin react.
A & P: And sting.
HP: I get itches at the thought of superheroes in the re-al world.
It's wrong!
I'll believe lots of crazy stuff
I'll swallow every kind of guff
I'll believe almost any bluff
But I won't buy that.
No, I won't buy that.
VIRG.: Will you calm yourself?
Will you just stay cool?
Will you listen to me
About this god-forsaken school?
Will you try to keep two feet on the ground?
HP: Yeah I can do that.
I can do that.
VIRG.: Will you listen to me
And let me freely expound?
Will you let me tell my tale
Without making any sound?
Are you going to shut up
Or just keep screwing around?
HP: I won't do that.
No I won't do that.
ALL: Lots of crazy things,
Trips to the moon on goss'mer wings,
We'll believe lots of crazy things,
And we won't sing flat.
First Imp-ressions
(Tiny Toons Adventures Theme)
We're plastic. We're spastic. We're all iconoclastic.
The demon dynastic name for us is imps!
Note our elation! We got an invitation
To prove our dedication and we're not a bunch of gimps!
[So] Bring on Doctor Fasstus, we're the hired help from Hell.
His every whim, we'll coddle him, bring Venus on her shell.
For four years, we'll submit, and then his life is forfeit.
[And] That's the price he'll suffer that we all foretell!
We're truly fantastic. Imp Atient's 'thusiastic.
Imp Udent is sarcastic, Imp Erative's a putz!
Imp Otent's a loser, [Imp] Ractical's a bruiser,
A verbal abuser, Imp Ertinent's a yutz!
So thank Doctor Fasstus for our home in Waterloo.
He sold his soul to take control, who knows now what he'll do?
Scholastic. Bombastic. Anti-ecclesiastic.
I hear the fall of footsteps just outside the door.
... Get down upon the floor!
Stereotypes
(Summer Nights)
SPUDS: Reading week off, give me a break.
VIRGINIA: Sexist drunkards, all on the make.
SPUDS: Artsy fools, don't find no jobs.
VIRGINIA: Engineers think that they're gods.
ALL: Student love, ending in fights
'Cause of stereotypes.
GUYS: Listen here. Listen here.
HP: Don't be a drunken boor.
GALS: Listen here. Listen here.
ALLY: At least they're not poor
VIRGINIA: Antisocials, stuck in a clique.
SPUDS: Artsy classes, two days a week.
VIRGINIA: They don't use brains, they use brute force.
SPUDS: She thinks Descartes's before de horse.
ALL: Student love, can't get it right
'Cause of stereotypes.
GUYS: Listen here. Listen here.
ART: Just admit that you're wrong.
GALS: Listen here. Listen here.
ALLY: Don't play "stuck up" too long.
VIRGINIA: Planes and weights, calculus hash.
SPUDS: Books and plays, history trash.
VIRGINIA: Girls in arts, we are the tops.
SPUDS: I'd rather sleep with Sheila Copps.
ALL: Student love, no help in sight
'Cause of stereotypes.
GALS: Listen here. Listen here.
PIROUETTE: Why not give him a chance.
GUYS: Listen here. Listen here.
HP: You just want in her pants.
VIRGINIA: Tell you what, let's call a truce.
SPUDS: What the heck. What have I got to loose.
VIRGINIA: You're so absurd. You make me laugh.
SPUDS: It could be worse, you could be in math.
S & V: Student love, ending in fights.
'Cause of stereotypes.
OTHERS: Listen here. Listen here.
This was FASS
(Be Our Guest)
This was FASS
It had class
And an energetic cast
Who hope that you had fun tonight
'Cause we sure had a blast
Lots of jokes
Lots of pokes
At U of Waterloo folks
From the students to their tutors
And the insides of computers
There was song
There was dance
High adventure and romance
As the aliens did travel class to class
They studied many courses
And met Ninja forces
It was brash
Bits were crass
It was FASS
Sold his soul
For a goal
Dr. Fasstus played a role
Till students with imprudence
Foiled his bid to take control
If unique's
What you seek
Come see FASS again this week
What other show would let us
Save the day by playing Tetris
It's been fun
Ev'ryone
But it's time for us to run
We have midterms that we really want to pass
But you need never fear
'Cause we'll be back next year
And so we ask
You en masse
Come on get up off your ass
Join the cast
Bring your class
Be in FASS
