Yet Another FASS
(Animaniacs)
It's time for yet another FASS
And the cast has all cut class
The crew is simply crass
And the writers are aghast
It's yet another FASS!
It's an annual tradition
At the U. of Waterloo
We're older than the Ridgid Tool
And twice as hard to do
We undermine authority
And violate taboo
The rumour that
We skinned a cat
Is patently untrue
It's yet another FASS!
We're a waste of biomass
We betray our social class
But our jokes are unsurpassed
It's yet another FASS!
It's musical and funny
It's politically correct
It's high in fibre, low in fat
It teaches self-respect
Reduces excess acid
Expands the intellect
With compass and a
Straightedge it can
Can make lines intersect
It's yet another FASS!
It's our job to flabbergast
We've got a lot of brass
So just sit back on your seat
It's yet another--
Notify your brother--
Disinfect your mother--
Yet another FASS!
Pass gas en masse!
Stay With Me
(Grow for Me)
JIM: I called you Amanda
I called you Elaine
Cuz, darling, I just can't
Remember your name
So whoever you are, dear
Joanne, Ruth, or Lise
Just please -- stay with me
I called you Deanna
I tried Beverley
But there is no data
On your secret ID
Don't care if you're Vulcan
Or half-Klingonese
Just please -- stay with me
SUSAN: You've given me jewelry and sweaters
To soothe how it burns
When I see you address your love letters
To whom it concerns
You've called me all manner of nicknames
From Muffy to Bud
But one thing is certain
If you don't remember then
Your name is gonna be -- mud
JIM: I call you my honey
I call you sweetheart
I call you long distance
When we are apart
So, what's in a name, dear
With feelings like these
Just please -- O-o-o-o please -- stay with me!
Naughty, Naughty, Naughty
(Holy, Holy, Holy)
ALL: Naughty, naughty, naughty,
Violence is naughty
MORRIS: Knives are bad
CEMENT: And punching's wrong
CHOPPER: And semi-automatic assault rifles
With Teflon armor-piercing ammunition
Are a sin
ALL: Naughty, naughty, naughty
Landmines and karate
Defenestration
And nitroglycerine.
(AMEN) Naughty!
So Tonight
(There's A Light)
FEMALE ZOMBIE: To our quiet village, Frankenstein's a blight
His delights
Make us all afraid
He's killing off all the tourist trade
So tonight
ALL ZOMBIES: We're go-ing to make Frankenstein pay.
FEMALE ZOMBIE: Cuz tonight
ALL ZOMBIES: We're freezing Frankie's fiancee.
FEMALE ZOMBIE: Yes, tonight, tonight
ALL ZOMBIES: We'll be turning out the light of Frankie's life
Oh Poor Trudy
(Hot Patootie)
FRANK: Lookie what's happened to my future bride
First, I was in shock, I was horrified
But then I found her brain hadn't really died
Now I will not rest until she is revived
I'll open up the fridge and there she'll be
Between some old leftovers and the Sarah Lee
In the biggest ZipLoc baggie that you'll ever see
I'll grab a midnight snack and wish she was alive
Oh poor Trudy, what a shame!
I really loved that frozen dame
ALL: Oh poor Trudy, what a shame!
He really loved that frozen dame!
My Favourite Drinks
(My Favorite Things)
Martinis dry that are shaken, not stirred
Good ol' Jack Daniels that makes your eyes blurred
Brown paper bags that say, "Don't drink and drive"
These are a few of the drinks I've survived.
Cream coloured shooters and warm apple brandies
Highballs and wrenches and whiskey and shandies
Sex on the beach with a bottle of rye
These are a few of the drinks I have tried
When exams suck, when I screw up,
When my life's the shits
I mix up a few of my favourite drinks
And then I get to-t'ly blitzed.
Butchery Tonight
(Comedy Tonight)
Soldiers are rushing
Art'ries are gushing
It's senseless violence
And butchery tonight
Soft shoe and patter
Neck wounds that splatter
Students speared by a lance
And butchery tonight
We'll sing some songs
We'll speak some prose
We'll pull your lungs out
Up through your no-ose
No use in pleading
As you lie bleeding
Your brutal deaths give us delight
Clemency tomorrow
Butchery tonight.
No need to thank us
We'll chop your pancreas
This time, it's personal
It's butchery tonight!
Old Broadway show tunes
And sucking chest wounds
It's just a slice of life
It's butchery tonight!
There'll be no ifs
There'll be no buts
We're gonna hoof you
Right in the nuts, so
You'll call us meanies
Cutting your spleenies
We'll hack and slash
All through the night!
Suffering and sorrow!
Over the floor-oh!
Maid comes tomorrow
Butchery, butchery,
Butchery, butchery,
Butchery...tonight!
Opening Reprise
(Animaniacs)
The plot line seems to take
An unexpected tragic twist
With Heidi's death, or ours,
If you're an existentialist
Her devastated sweetheart
Needs a psychoanalyst
The VCR
Brings stuff to life
And now you've got the gist
It's intermission time at FASS
Have a snack or raise a glass
Take a leak or make a pass
At a guy with a cute ass
It's intermission
Time to get nutrition
And for micturition
Half-time now for FASS!
Charlie's Angels
(The Brady Bunch)
ALL: Here's the story of three lovely ladies
And we all went through Police Academy
SABR.: I'm the smart one
KELLY: I am classy.
JILL: I've got hair
S&K: (POINTING) A detective wanna be.
ALL: Here's the story of a man named Charlie
Solving crimes and fighting evil on his own.
He had the brains, the brawn, and all the money
But he was all alone!
Till the one day when we ladies met this fellow
And we thought we'd give this partner thing a whirl
We got ourselves an intercom and office
That's the reason that we all are Charlie's girls.
We're Charlie's girls...
We're Charlie's girls...
That's the reason we all are Charlie's girls.
Dead Gang
(Chain Gang)
ALL YOU ZOMBIES: Ooh. Ah. Ooh. Ah.
BASS ZOMBIE: Oh, don't you know...
ALL YOU ZOMBIES: That's the sound of the men
Workin' on the chain gang.
BASS ZOMBIE: Oh, don't you know...
ALL YOU ZOMBIES: That's the sound of the men
Workin' on the chain gang
Ooh. Ah. Ooh. Ah.
Blood, Blood, Glorious Blood
(The Hippopotamus)
The Leafs and Canadians were at centre ice
One cool playoff night in July
The referee pleaded for the teams to be nice
The players gave this blunt reply:
"We're paid by the penalty, not by the goal,
We don't need to know right from wrong.
We're in paradise, when there's blood on the ice."
And the spectators joined in the song.
Blood, blood, glorious blood
Hockey's the sport of the "crunch" and the "thud".
The intimidation and retaliation
The exsanguination of glorious blood.
We're goons and enforcers, that no one denies,
From our helmets right down to our socks
The three game suspension is our Pulitzer Prize
We live for the penalty box.
We'd rough up our mother if she crossed the line
And we know that Mom understands
Cuz what we believe in is, "Always get even,"
That's why there's a stick in your hands.
Blood, blood, blood on the ice
Excellent training for mayhem and vice
You may think you're scary
But we've faced Don Cherry
There's nothing so merry as blood on the ice.
Bringing Back The 60s Tonight
(Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds)
RAINBOW: Picture yourself at a mindblowing party
Surrounded by people from decades gone by
Norm, you did well in completing your mission
The man with those hypnotized eyes
Smoking a joint, making love and not war
Days we remember so well
Now they are back with John Lennon,
Bob Dylan and more
ALL: Bringing back the 60s tonight
Bringing back the 60s tonight
Bringing back the 60s tonight
Ahh-ah!
Imagine
(Imagine)
Imagine graduation
No profs to satisfy
A new degree to pad your
Curriculum Vitae.
Me And ATP
(Me And Bobby McGee)
Busted flat in Waterloo
Filling up my brain
Cramming for a midterm test on genes
DNA and ribosomes, mitochondria,
Amino acids making up proteins
Cilia and centrioles,
The Golgi Complex too
Glycogen and splitting nuclei
Lysosomes and chloroplasts and epithelia
And all the ways a cell makes ATP
Good enough for Bio 203.
Hummana Dimes Mustard Can and Ball Sly
(Blowin' in the Wind)
Hummana hah musta hummana hy
Before inna hah inna hah
Yessin hummana hah musta hummana lie
Before inna hah minna mah
Bringing Back The 60s Tonight
(Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds)
LENNON: Bringing back the 60s tonight
JOPLIN: Bringing back the 60s tonight
DYLAN: Hummanah nah sixeeze hoonigh
ALL: Ahh-ah!
Meteorologist
(Lumberjack)
I'm a meteorologist and I'm all right
I've got a phone and a satellite
I check my maps, I look outside
Computers crunch and whine
But for tomorrow's forecast,
Your guess is good as mine
CHORUS: (REPEATS ABOVE VERSE)
I'm a meteorologist and I'm okay
I toss a coin, will it rain today?
I'll read your palm or tarot cards
Or numerology
I get tornado warnings
From my mom's arthritic knee
CHORUS: (REPEATS ABOVE VERSE)
I'm a meteorologist, I try to please
And sound profound with jargonese
Precipitate, high pressure fronts
Unstable hot air mass
And if you think I'm crazy,
Then you can kiss my-
I Just Can't Wait To Play God
(I Just Can't Wait To Be King)
Soon you'll all be marching to a
Diff'rent drummer's beat
You'll love me and you'll worship me
You'll grovel at my feet
I'm gonna mold and shape the world
Just like a lump of clay
And anyone who interferes
Will simply go away
I'm meaner than the ol' Marquis de Sade
And I just can't wait to play god!
I'll be saying "You live"
I'll be saying "You die"
I'll be saying "You jump"
You'll be saying "How high?"
You'll be doing what I say
And you'll do it all my way
I'm gonna have an entourage
Five billion people strong
The line-up for my autograph
Will be a light-year long
And when it comes to getting men
I won't leave it to fate
I'll snap my fingers, say the word
And wham, we'll copulate
I can have every Peter, Dick, and Rod
Oh, I just can't wait to play god!
Everyone will say "yes" (ZOMBIES: Yes)
Everyone will say "please" (ZOMBIES: Please)
Everyone will say that (ZOMBIES: That)
I am the big cheese
Yes, the whole world's gonna stand and applaud
All my feats are gonna be ooo-ed and ah-ed
If only Rimshot wasn't such a clod
Oh, I just can't wait to play god!
Oh, I just can't wait to play god!
Oh, I just can't wait to play god!
It's Gotta Be FASS
(Heart)
It's gotta be FASS
Nothing else is in its class
Neither Stratford's great Shakespearean fest
Nor Broadway's best surpass
So we took the Bard
Hoisted him by his petard
This year's plethora of violence and death
Outdid Macbeth
That's hard
And Miss Saigon's helicopter
Made her famous near and far
Until our techies went and topped her
By producing the Death Star
Complete with Vader
That's Theatre
It's gotta be FASS
Funnier than Sunday mass
It's a twisted view of UW
That's like a trip through the looking glass
Yes, it's gotta be FASS
It's gotta be FASS
What a blast out of the past
There's Charlie Angels, Star Trek old and new
Bob Dylan too and grass
Our heroes survived
All their friends are now alive
The Hubble Contract Lens helped make it fine
Here in FASS ninety-five
There's a moral to our story
If a VCR you find
And you're watching something gory
When ejecting comes to mind
If you don't do it
You'll live through it
It's gotta be FASS
Years 'n' years 'n' years of FASS
Though some people say that we'll never learn
Each year, we return and we kick ass
Cuz it's gotta be FASS
Yes, it's gotta be FASS!
 |
 |
![[description below]](http://lh4.ggpht.com/uwfass/SN5FsYf0-MI/AAAAAAAAAG8/eDITvXbfNtI/s288/c35116.jpg)