Opening Song
(YMCA)
TONIGHT, we're gonna put on a play
And we DON'T CARE what the critics may say
Because HONEST, we're only slightly insane
And we CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH A-GAIN
ACTORS, who can't remember their cues.
Cause the TECHIES don't know what they should do
The DIRECTOR is out singing the blues.
Because HE GOT STUCK WITH THIS CREW.
So let's get started with F.A.S.S.
You'll have a good time at F.A.S.S.
We've got humour and song, we're glad we can say
That you won't hear about O.J.!
Are you ready for F.A.S.S.
You'll get addicted to F.A.S.S.
So sit and relax,
And get ready to cheer
What a great way to start the year.
LISTEN, we've been told to tell you
That the EXITS, well, they're all firmly glued
And the USHERS will ignore all your shouts
So you HAVE NO WAY TO GET OUT.
WE SHOULD really finish our song.
Cause the DOCTORS have a play to put on.
We got NURSES and some psych patients too.
We are HERE TO EN-TER-TAIN YOU.
We're here to tell you we're F.A.S.S.
We really like to spell F.A.S.S.
You may have noticed our name
It's been mentioned before,
We're difficult to ignore
We like spelling out F.A.S.S.
Our favorite letters are F.A.S.S
We're FASS '96
And we've got a great show
Lights, camera, action, Let's GO!
Will's Problems
(Da Do Ron Ron)
ELECTRODE: The only thing you need is some electric jolts
CHORUS: Before you know it, your brain is fried
ELECTRODE: I'm giving you a couple hundred thousand volts
CHORUS: His other patients, they all have died
MALES: Some electric jolts
FEMALES: Hundred thousand volts
ELECTRODE: And if you stay with me ...
CHORUS: Your brain will soon be electrified
(WILL RUNS AWAY, BUT IS GRABBED BY McCRACKIN.)
McCRACK: Some people say proctologists are kind of crass
CHORUS: To tell the truth, we don't like your kind
McCRACKIN: We're always sticking foreign objects up your ass
CHORUS: A bit unpleasant, that's what we find
MALES: They are kind of crass
FEMALES: Stick it up his ass
McCRACKIN: You'll get it in the end
CHORUS: A greasy finger in your behind
(WILL RUNS AWAY, BUT IS GRABBED BY BOBBITT.)
BOBBITT: The first thing that I do is cut the naughty bits
CHORUS: The naughty bits are a lot of fun
BOBBITT: Then I give you silicone prosthetic tits
CHORUS: And Female hormones like estrogen
FEMALES: Yeah, those naughty bits
MALES: Yeah, prosthetic tits
BOBBITT: And if you stay with me...
CHORUS: You'll be a female before she's done
MALES: You'll be a female before she's done
FEMALES: A greasy finger in your behind
MALES: Your brain will soon be electrified
WILL: O God, get me the hell out of here.
A Whole New Vein
(A Whole New World)
HYDE: I can show you a spleen
Pulsing, quivering, dripping
Come on, nurse let's go ripping
Into somebody's insides
I can open him wide
Reach in, over, and under
Toss his organs asunder
To see underneath his hide.
CHAPLIPS: A whole new vein
A new fantastic artery
Oh, how it makes me blush
To see it gush
I love to watch the bleeding.
A whole new vein
Spouting spurting, hemorrhaging
I love your skillful cuts
They spill his guts
When you operate, you make me want to sing.
HYDE: When I operate, I make her heart go zing.
BOTH: There'll be blood everywhere
We're quite a pair
Let me share this whole new vein with you.
CHAPLIPS: A whole new way (HYDE: A whole new way)
To operate (HYDE: To operate)
A surgeon's blade
HYDE: A nurse gets laid
BOTH: Let's fornicate!
Won't Matter Who We Fire
(We Didn't Start the Fire)
Billy Davis, Bobbie Rae,
Frank Miller, They're OK.
Downsizing, rationalizing
Unions are upset
GST, sales tax.
Watch how labour reacts.
Raise tuition, tax nutrition
Place your legal bets
Single mothers being taxed
Dance departments being axed
Welfare, workfare.
Clinton drops Medicare
Milton Friedman, p test,
Save the rich; Screw the rest
Forecast price inflation
And rising expectation
Mike Harris is no liar
We know that you deplore him,
But you voted for him.
Debt just keeps climbing higher
You elected PC's
Now you're in the feces
Waterloo, U of T,
York University
Brock, Queens, They may plead.
Too bad, make 'em bleed
Ryerson, Laurier
Their funding's blown away
They've no hope, out of rope
Hell we'd even tax the Pope.
Don't rely on tenure;
It won't defend ya
Students and faculty
Fork out, pay more fees,
Tax cuts, we've the guts
Is this province going nuts?
We can't pay this rising debt;
I don't think you get it yet
Won't matter who we fire
They can try to fight it,
But they're going to bite it.
There's no money for your pensions.
You only lent it
But we've gone and spent it.
Higher priced cigarettes,
Still no jobs for graduates.
High fees, Job squeeze.
Implement wage freeze,
Ronald Reagan, Ralph Klein:
Terror on the bread line
Civil service decimated
My own mom's been terminated
Fading fortunes, crazy debts,
Social contract, deficits
Sinking low, losing dough,
John Crow forced to go,
Lower funding for defence,
Pay toilets in the gents,
Raise the price of downtown rents
We just call it "common sense"
Debt just keeps climbing higher
Now we want to fight it,
So you're going to bite it.
Now we've sung our song, though we could
go on and on, and on ...
Vampire Boys
(Glamour Boys)
STAT: This glamour boy's out of the coffin
This glamour boy's
ACULA: out of control
STAT: No more black, no more dark and ugly
I've got style, and I've got a goal.
I love your eyes, you must be a Winter
You should wear lime, it's really in this year
You've got great hair, maybe you should grow it
Say hello, fashion, and say good-bye to fear.
Yeah ...
I Am Doctor Who
(When I'm Sixty-Four)
If I get crushed by sixteen ton weights
I get right back up
If I end up murdered by a ninja horde
I'm only dead 'til I get bored
Death is a bitch, and then you live
That's my point of view
I am quite brilliant and quite resilient
Cuz I'm Doctor Who
I think this is great
No matter what my fate
I regenerate
Driving my TARDIS through time and space
All dimensions, too
An intergalactic roller coaster ride
My companions there at my side
Fighting the Daleks time and again
That is what I do
I am a Timelord, no, not a crime lord
I am Doctor Who
A Villainess, Part I
(The Life I Lead)
NEAU: A villainess must be a psychotic
A fanatic, a shrew, a cliche
She must be evil through and through
With high IQ
Let's face it, she's no Doris Day
A Villainess, Part II
(The Life I Lead)
NEAU: It's grand to be a villainess in ninety-six
To have a master plan
Like in James Bond flicks
I'll be queen of the hospital, head honcho, the boss
I'll use each subject -- doctor, patient, nurse --
as human guinea pigs
It's no great loss.
A Villainess, Part III
(The Life I Lead)
NEAU: A villainess must be free of warmth and goodness
Her heart and soul must be as black as pitch
She scorns what's on the up `n` up
She's thoroughly corrupt
Let's face it, she's a goddamn bitch
A Villainess, Part IV
(The Life I Lead)
WHO: A villainess can't be Administrator
The very thought just makes me want to gag
Four out of five doctors prefer
You do not pick her
Dr. Neau's fanatic, psychotic, despotic
In short, Adolf Hitler in drag
Hospital Life
(Crocodile Rock)
NURSES: We remember when health care thrived
Doctors cared about who survived
And heart beats and vital signs
They were watched more closely than the bottom lines
DOCTORS: And the only cuts we ever made
They were the work of a surgeon's blade
So while other jobs were full of stress and strife
We were feeling like healing.
That's the Hospital Life.
PATIENTS: Well, hospital living
Is unforgiving
When they don't know what ails you
The docs run ev'ry test in the book
And they still don't have a clue
BUREAU.: They use MRI's and EKG's
To try and find your dread disease
Cuz another patient death will increase insurance fees
ALL: La la-la-la-la la
la-la la-la
la-la-la-la-la la
NURSES: But the years went by and the budgets fell
The medical profession went straight to Hell
Doctors were fleeing to the U.S.A.
Claiming they couldn't live on their OHIP pay
DOCTORS: We remember hearing Tories swear
If elected, they would spare health care
Now they slash with each bill they pass
Join us all in calling Premier Mike an ass.
PATIENTS: Well, it's Harris bashing
It's premier trashing
Ontario's fav'rite sport
His Tories cut a billion bucks
Put health care on life support
BUREAU.: Oh, it's time we change our policies
Let's introduce those user fees
Or just take the money from the un-i-ver-si-ties
ALL: La la-la-la-la la
la-la la-la
la-la-la-la-la la
Queen Of Pain
(Luck Be A Lady Tonight)
Neau is the new queen of pain
A bitch with a Mike Harris brain
She's a physician with ambition on a mission
If you want to live, don't complain
Neau fired all our best staff
Cut all our pay cheques in half
We're in transition from tradition to sedition
We've all been getting the shaft
The patients have been overcrowded
Three to a bed, four to a chair
As all the cutbacks kick in, they sicken and die
The Nazis had better health care
Game shows in emergency
Soap operas in surgery
Neau's new additions, like musicians and magicians
It's health care for cable TV
You're A Woman, Too
(I'll Be There For You (Friends' Theme))
BOBBITT: For far too long, you men have been running things your way
The world's a mess; I guess we'll blame your DNA
You'll change your tune now that you're weinerless
As you suffer buying bras, giving birth, and of course, PMS.
FRIEDA: Now you're a woman too
WHO: I will pee sitting down
FRIEDA: A new Doctor Who
WHO: I'll look great in a gown
FRIEDA: The men will love you
But, hey, that's Waterloo
BOBBITT: You will learn to overcome the obstacles men place
Get used to being seen as figure, legs, and face
WHO: But women can't stay stuck in second class
So grab a man by the balls and give him a swift kick in the ass
FRIEDA: Yes, you're a woman, too
WHO: I could bash men all night
FRIEDA: A new point of view
WHO: I can claw, scratch, and bite
ALL: Kiss manhood adieu
And be a woman too.
Voices In My Head
(Colours of the Wind)
I tried working as a mime in a blind school
I tried mountain-climbing in Saskatchewan
They say that I'm not living in the real world
That the world I'm living in a Disney song
Have you ever been abducted by a UFO?
Seen Elvis Presley come back from the dead?
Is the Loch Ness monster living in your bathtub?
Do you listen to the voices in your head?
Me, I listen to the voices in my head.
Oh, the prophets tell me what to do and where to go
They told me I should overthrow the Feds
Now I get to fight alongside superheroes
And take pills in pretty yellows, blues, and reds
Cuz I listened to the voices in my head
Fight Song
(One Jump Ahead)
VILLAINS: Don'tcha know
I love being a villain
I love inspiring fear
FASS found a perfect part for me this year
HEROES: Oh, really?
HEROES: We fight for honour and justice
We're good and we're gonna win
Those guys don't understand the trap they're in
MacGYVER: Duct tape! Door mat!
Scissors! Take that!
HEROES: Why don't we play nice, guys?
VILLAINS: Rip their hearts out! Be precise, guys!
VILLAINS: They're too cute to win. They don't have the balls
They don't have a hope in hell!
HEROES: Well?
WHO & NEAU: Good and evil, it's an epic battle
Everyone will have to choose a side
There'll be no more fences left to straddle
ALL: Gotta win the war! Gotta fight to win!
HEROES: Give up now, we see you're petrified.
VILLAINS: We want a brutal encounter
We'll make your organs emerge
We've got a random psychopathic urge
HEROES: That's too bloody and violent
We're in a family play
We win our fights with witty repartee
HEROES: Heroes!
VILLAINS: Villains!
HEROES: Get'em!
VILLAINS: Kill 'em!
WHO: Neau must be defeated.
NEAU: Not before my plan's completed.
VILLAINS: Gonna hold you down! Gonna rip you up!
Gonna frolic in your goo!
HEROES: Ew!
VILLAINS: We've still got some surprises
HEROES: (Heroes!)
Oh please, you're so impolite
VILLAINS: (Villains!)
HEROES: Attack with all of your power
VILLAINS: (Get'em!)
Stand back, 'cause we didn't shower
HEROES: (Kill'em!)
ALL: Here goes, weapon escalation
Torso ventilation
No one's gonna win this fight!
This is FASS
(Let it Snow)
Oh, the jokes in the show were frightful
But the songs were so delightful
Well, we know we ain't got no class
This is Fass, this is Fass, this is Fass.
Closing Song
(Joy to the World)
Dr. Jekyll was a surgeon,
Also Mr. Hyde.
Dr. Neau was a raving egomaniac,
With Reeves sniv'ling at her side
While Dr. Who took each death in stride.
Hey Waterloo,
You are the chosen few.
Faculty, Alumni, Staff, and Students, too,
We did it all for you.
Superheroes in the psych ward,
Vampires in the morgue.
Ninjas, amoeba, Dr. Bobbitt and Sperm,
Lucien Bouchard, and the Borg.
Hey Waterloo
Now the cast and crew,
Are gonna put their makeup and their costumes away
And party til the break of day.
Yawning Patients were exploding
Cause of Neau's infectious games
But five Dr. Whos dragged her into the sun,
And they all went up in flames.
But their sacrifice was not in vain.
Hey Waterloo.
What'cha gonna do?
Are you gonna be a part of FASS next year?
We'd love to have you here.
(REPEAT)
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