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FASS 2002: It's time for "creme de la dijoinaise, toute la fleurette".
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Waterloo
(Waterloo)
TANYA: I got this co-op job, and I thought it would be exciting,
It wasn't Microsoft, and they offered me
A job with decent pay,
But that's what employers all say...
FROSH: I'm new in Waterloo. I've finally made it here
Oh yeah and I thought I'd never sur-vive grade thirteen, but now
This building they call SLC
Is the place where I get to be
CHORUS: Waterloo
Wanted to come here since I was ten
Waterloo
Bugged Needles Hall so they'd let me in
Waterloo
I'll make some friends, and go on a date
Waterloo
Two days 'til classes start, I can't wait
Woa-woa-woa Waterloo
I get to go here to Waterloo
Here, here at Waterloo, they'll give us degrees that we've earned
Right here, and I will find a lucrative job when I leave someday
At least that is what I've been told
But that's not how it will unfold
Waterloo
Why did we come here, we'll never know
Waterloo
Stuck here in Southern Ontario
Waterloo
(They) told me life here would be lots of fun
Waterloo
Been here a year haven't seen the sun.
Woa-woa-woa Waterloo
Never will leave U of Waterloo
TANYA: In Waterloo I did believe
I think I was being naive.
CHORUS: Waterloo
Why do we come back, we cannot tell
Waterloo
Is starting to feel very much like Hell
Waterloo
(REPEAT AND FADE)
Waterloo
Why do we sing about Waterloo
Waterloo
never can leave U of Waterloo
Why Must You Fight a Strong Libido
(What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor)
JOAN: Why must you fight a strong libido,
Give into your lust, that's my credo,
There's nothing wrong with human need-o,
When you're feeling lonely
That's all there is to it
Even the Baptists do it
Why don't you just say screw it
When you're feeling lonely?
CARL: All of my life I've been real horny,
Used lots of lines that seemed too corny,
I've had my fill of female scorn-ee,
When I'm feeling lonely
That's all there is to it,
Even CS geeks do it.
Why can't women just say screw it,
When I'm feeling lonely?
PENELOPE: Nobody seems to know what love is,
Why don't I stop and just say shove this,
I know when I've had enough-is,
When I'm feeling lonely
JOAN: So the two of you might work together,
Make each other glad in any weather,
In a comfy bed or fields of heather,
When you're feeling lonely.
ALL: That's all there is to it,
Even your parents do it.
So find a private spot and get right to it,
When you're feeling lonely.
Sex and Love
(Up and Down)
JOE: I look at you and wonder how to get you alone
MILLIE: I look at you and see way too much testosterone
JOE: I look at you and get turned on
MILLIE: I look at you and get turned off.
JOE: I look at you and sing a song about sex and love.
JOE: You walk by and I'm undressing you with my eyes
MILLIE: You know you stand for everything that I despise
JOE: I look at romance as a game.
MILLIE: I knew you men were all the same
How can you pretend this song's about sex and love.
MILLIE: You want to take away what little power we've won.
JOE: You come along with rules and ruin all of our fun.
C'mon you know you want me bad
MILLIE: You're just trying to make me mad
I look at you and sing a song about sex and love.
The Rules
(The Preamble to the US Constitution)
In 1927 I'm told
A romance author set out to deduce
A simple list of principles
By which novels could be mass produced.
Harlequin was just starting out,
A whole brand new company
And now romance novels are a
Money making industry-ee
SPOKEN: And they put these principles down on paper
and distributed them to hack writers who
churned out hundreds of romance novels a year.
And any writer who is starving, trying to sell
artistically redeeming work, can sell out and
use these principles to make big bucks.
Romance novels
Always must have sexual tension,
Predictable plots and lots of steamy love scenes.
Dislike between the main pair,
That blossoms into true love, and
Secures the blessings of domesticity,
For the heroine and her unborn progeny.
This entertains and establishes an addiction
To the genre of romantic fiction.
In 1998 I'm told
A group of writers all I sat down
To write a romance novel
That would be read the world around
But the only problem was
That none of them had a clue.
But that's okay, the principles
Will tell them just what to do.
SPOKEN: And they go something like this:
Romance novels
Always must have lots of sexual tension
Romantic settings and lots of torrid love scenes.
The heroine must always be tense
And despair of ever marrying.
Until the hero comes along
And shows her that her thinking is all wrong.
This entertains an establishes an addiction
To the genre of romantic fiction.
Say Yes
(Process Man)
GIDGET: Oh, it's Chris say yes
Give Pablo just one chance
For what he wants is long term love
And not just in your pants.
Just say yes....
CHRIS: It's the singe life I like
Tell the guys to take a hike
I'm sick and tired of all the men
Who think that I'm a dyke;
And he's been hitting on me
Since he came to Waterloo.
I've told you no, I just won't go
Out on a date with you.
BRIAN & GIDGET: So (Chris) date the prince
A night out on the town
The high-class crowd, the fast-paced life
Jet-set and fancy gowns
Just say yes....
PABLO: Well, I've changed my way of thinking
And I've gotten with the times
I've learned about the nineties,
And I use no pick-up lines.
You've taken all the courses
Romance lessons you have learned
Your will is strong, but I've chased you long
With me you won't get burned.
BRIAN & GIDGET: And it's just one date
What have you got to lose
Another girl would give the world
To be walking in your shoes
Just say yes....
CHRIS: I can't deny that golden
opportunities are scarce
PABLO: Though our history is rocky
I'm a man who really cares
CHRIS: For time goes marching on
And I should really take this chance
PABLO: The flame burns higher, my one desire's
To end this courtship dance
BRIAN & GIDGET: And you've said yes
A choice you won't regret
An evening you prince will plan
A night you won't forget
You've said yes....................
The Unreliable, Fattening, Inconvenient Birth Control Blues
(Original Music)
JOAN: Rolled out of bed this morning,
Feeling mighty ill
I thought back to early last evening,
Realized I forgot my pill,
Oooh, what can I do?
I've got the unreliable, fattening, inconvenient birth control blues.
MARY: Thought I'd try out the rhythm method,
Since I'm married and Catholic and all
With exams, assignments and timing,
I've had sex three times since the fall.
Oh, it's not much fun, with nothing to do,
About the unreliable, fattening inconvenient birth control blues.
(Pope says I gotta)
MEG: Went down to the doctor's office,
Just to talk about IUDs
But he showed me this weird looking gadget,
I said, "Don't get that thing near me."
Okay, it sucks, but what can you do?
We're stuck with the unreliable, fattening, inconvenient,
scary birth control blues.
ALL 3: So now we are back to the condom
It's most people's first choice, you know
Protection aside, let's be honest
It sure interrupts the flow.
Here we are saying to you,
That no matter what method you choose
You'll get the unreliable, fattening inconvenient birth control blues.
SPOKEN: But remember, it sure beats the alternative.
Having a Party
(Surfing Safari)
No one reads on reading week,
'Cept my roommate, he's a geek,
C'mon and get sunburned with me.
I made a bunch of money on my co-op term,
I've got heaps of cash I'm ready to blow,
I know I ought to use it on my OSAP loans,
But then I won't be able to go,
MEN: Come on baby, can't you see? (Having a party, having a party...)
What could be better than a week with me?
Please, please baby, come with me,
Or I'm stuck with Baywatch on TV.
Have fun on reading week,
Get away from Laurel Creek;
C'mon and get sunburned with me
Engineering students just get two days off,
And that makes them really displeased.
What they don't know is that it's for their own good,
Since they'd prob'ly get a social disease.
WOMEN: Let's take a trip down to Miami, (Having a party, having a party...)
Where the weather is hot, and we can waterski,
Just don't bring the guys down from Waterloo,
'Cause there's better mannered monkeys in the zoo.
I just don't want to stay,
Failed my midterms anyway,
C'mon and get sunburned with me
When I was still a Frosh I worked through reading week,
But I only learned that books were a bore,
Now I steal my parents car and I head down south,
And I study all the girls on the shore.
Now it's over, and we can't do FASS,
But we still have time for one more blast,
If I can't go, then that's okay,
I'll tell my friends that I did anyway.
No one reads on reading week, 'Cept
My roommate, he's a geek,
C'mon and get sunburned with me.
C'mon and get sunburned with me.
Ambassador's Lament
(Yakko's Universe)
You might think that the life of an ambassador's exciting,
And it might be if I had something to do.
But a Canadian appointment to a dinky place like this,
Will never get me to the pages of "Who's Who".
I guess I shouldn't whine, 'cause I'm better off than most.
For what's a former Tory gal to do?
But I still say it's the fault of Mulroney and his cronies
I got fired in Election '92.
So I play this silly chess game, and drink endless cups of tea
To get me through this life I live alone.
I lost the staff entirely in 1993,
And in the last round of cuts they took the phone.
Which is why I'm so delighted to see any other face,
As the mirror always only shows my own.
And I know they'll all be gone again by eight o'clock tomorrow,
So I'll make this party truly overblown,
I'll need lots of food,
And of course some decorations,
Since for once the guests
Will not be hallucinations.
Now I've got to get things started,
Though I know they'll soon be parted
We're going to have a party here tonight.
The caterer's arriving with a huge tray of hors d'oeuvres
I hired them from the country right next door.
Please put them on the table with the punch bowl over there.
We'll keep this region free for the dance floor.
Could you help me with this streamer'? I'm a little bit too short,
To hang it on the hook above this door.
Oh, isn't this exciting, wish it happened every day.
But I'm finding this whole country quite a bore.
Now, I've got the food,
And I've put up the decorations.
I've played out the scene a thousand times
In my imagination.
Soon the guests will be arriving.
Yes, my social life is thriving
'Cause there's going to be a party here tonight.
Stop It
(Waltz for Eva and Che)
HUBERT: Stop it before you drown in self-pity.
Before you abandon all hope.
Forgive my impertinence, big brother.
But how long do you plan to sit around and mope?
Stop it before you descend into madness.
Prince Hamlet tried that; now, he's dead.
Look how you showed Chris you love her:
First stalking, then walking,
Seducing, but choosing two other girls to wed.
PABLO: Stop it, you know that's not how it happened.
Chris and I should be prince and princess,
A joyful and happy occurrence,
That somehow turned into this godawful mess.
Stop it, it's time to climb down from your soapbox.
So what if you truly love Beth.
Just go sell your damned life insurance.
Feel free to ignore that my love affair ended unhappily,
A fate much more painful than death,
BOTH: Listen, brother. Leave me alone, no more lectures.
The way I live my life doesn't affect yours.
HUBERT: Oh, don't be so shallow,
And sit here and wallow
In sorrow.
You'd be remiss,
If you don't go find Chris.
Say you love her!
Got it, brother?
Going Home
(Wannabe)
CANADIANS: Yo! We'll tell you what we want, what we really, really want!
PADUANS: So tell us what you want, what you really, really want!
CANADIANS: We wanna go back home to U of Waterloo.
We wanna work real hard, then drink a lotta brew.
We wanna, we wanna, we wanna, we wanna,
We wanna, really, really, really, wanna Zicke Zacke Hoi!
Some folks found new lovers; some made new friends.
Some followed old traditions; others started trends.
Some face big changes to their lifestyle,
But everyone has got a reason to smile.
PADUANS: We'll tell you where to go, where we want ya all to go!
So get aboard that plane to Ontari-ari-o.
We want ya, we want ya, we want ya, we want ya,
We really, really, really, want ya the Hell out o'here
Can our beloved Pad-u-a ever be the same again,
Once this Canadian madness fin'lly ends?
Each of our two royal princes found himself a wife;
Those two girls will change the face of Paduan life.
ALL: If you take a look back, you'll see fate played a hand.
Like cosmic romance writers had it all planned,
While we're quite happy, with the tale they wrote.
Can't help but feel that we are on the Love Boat.
Yo! We'll tell you what we learned, what we really, really learned!
If you play with fire, you are gonna get burned.
We want a, we want a, we want a, we want a,
We want a, really, really, really, want a fiery affair
Love follows curves and rings, not along the shortest path.
When one and one make two, that's not easy math
And probability can't say if you stand a chance
Cuz there's not a science to the art of romance
If you wanna be a lover,
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta
Pull yourself together (Love! Love! Love! Love!)
Love and sex are more than just a song and dance.
Gotta make yourself a master of romance.
Find a guy or gal and take that scary chance.
Go Oktoberfest and Zicke Zacke Hoi.
Live happily ever after.
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