Enjoying FASS '99
(Stuck In the Middle With You)
Well, we all know why you came here tonight,
Be you FASS veteran or neophyte
We're so glad, to see you paid for your seats,
To see all our acting and musical feats,
Call it conspiracy, say that's it a plot
But you're here, enjoying FASS '99,
Yes you're here, watching FASS '99,
And we'll guarantee you'll have a good time,
You will never fall asleep in your chair,
Our jokes are deadly, so you better beware
Call it conspiracy, say that it's a plot
But you're here, enjoying FASS '99
Well there's conspiracy hunters
Seeking truth at U of Waterloo,
And the campus grounds are crawling
With spies and agents cuz it's
FA-A-ASS!
FA-A-ASS!
The scientists are watching the skies
Meanwhile the cultists are deceived by lies
A building that comes out of nowhere
We can tell you that the truth's way out there
Call it conspiracy, say that it's a plot
But you're here, enjoying FASS '99
Well we love to put a show on
At the good old U of Waterloo
So forget about your midterms
Put your books away cuz it's
FA-A-ASS
FA-A-ASS
Well, we're think you're in for quite the night,
And we hope to hear you squeal with delight,
So relax, and settle in for a laugh,
Take a pee before the second half,
Call it conspiracy, say that it's a plot
But you're here, enjoying FASS '99
Yes, you're enjoying FASS '99
Enjoying FASS '99
Parents' Lament
(Embassy Lament)
Oh, my god, a deadly comet's coming
We're all doomed to die if we do nothing
This could mean the end of this great planet
So we had to find a way to save our very sweet and lovely daughter
We are sure she'll understand it
Since this catapult can reach Earth orbit
Death's claim on our daughter has been thwarted
Into outer space, we'll launch our baby
If we add a photograph that shows a happy three of us then maybe
She will remember who her parents are
And on her flight through space, she'll be
Safe from the fate we can't avoid
That justifies these drastic measures
We are overjoyed
Cuz she will survive when Earth's destroyed.
We Love This Job
(You Sexy Thing)
We could do this nine to five
(At) Union wage
We love this job
If they keep us overtime
(then) It's double pay
We love this job
How did we get this lucky?
What morning star did follow us?
I never thought that I could be so handy
But now my touch is sweeter than candy
Yesterday I was one of the jobless people
Now I'm working in the sun
Having lots of fun
We love working way up high
We touch the sky
See the whole town
I've got acrophobia
(I'm) Afraid of heights,
I don't look down
It isn't always rosy
There are some times I'd like to quit
From this work, my body's sore and aching
Is it worth the money we're making.
Even though we face trials and tribulations
Others have it worse today
Look at Jean Charest
Kowtowing
(Tubthumping)
GROUP A: We are Wacko
That's a fact. Oh.
We are Wacko
ALL: We will bow down to the Enlightened One
The coolest cult leader around
He makes a sound and we interpret it
As meaning something quite profound
We parse each noun and ev'ry adjective
In his words, hidden truths are found
So we bow down to the Enlightened One
The only cult leader in town
SOLOIST: You tell us what to do
We pledge our lives to you
ONE: They came en masse to me
They gave their cash to me
Became attached to me
They pay my tax for me
I choose the folks who'll believe in what I pronouce
I choose the dolts who'll increase what's in my bank accounts
GROUP B: Enlightened One
Guiding Sun
He's no bum
ALL: We will obey without a second thought
Ev'rything the One has to say
He'll get his way or like a little brat
He'll cry and take his ball away
Hip hip hooray! No independent thought
The One has made free will passé
So we obey the great Enlightened One
As a cult, we are so cliché
If I Were a Hit Man
(If I Were A Rich Man)
If I were a hit man
With a rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-boom
All day long, I'd send folks to their doom
Trying hard to meet demand
I wouldn't kill for profit
Not a rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-ching
I'd work for the cagey KGB
Never ever earning anything
I would get my orders direct from the Kremlin
To kill enemies of the state
Anytime the politburo got the urge
Be it authors writing about human rights
Or priests who are preaching God is great
That's the time for a good old Sov-yet purge
I would never question whether it's wrong or right
To be the premier's iron fist
I would only want to keep my fam'ly fed
I'd wonder why the dissidents would rebel
When it just makes the government pissed
Don't they know that it's better red than dead?
If I were a hit man
With a rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-pow
I'd be loved and honoured in Moscow
Ev'ry bureaucrat my fan
But is that what I'm wanting?
All that rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-blam
Or should I stick to the current plan
And remain the simple spy I am?
Could I live with what the job demands?
Would I be a happy man?
The Mission
(Tradition)
BORIS: Who picks the team and chooses the objective
Keeps things cost-effective,
And takes all the blame?
And who can punish insubordination
By giving KGB your name?
ALL: The leader! The leader. The mission!
The leader! The leader. The mission!
OLGA: Who must know the way to fire all the guns
The little guns, the great big guns?
Who can shoot the enemy straight through the head
And thus ensuring they are really dead?
ALL: The sniper! The sniper. The mission!
The sniper! The sniper. The mission!
YURI: And me, I do cryptography
But I don't do it well
So if there's any codes to break
I hope they're easy
KATERINA: And who makes all the bombs that make things go ka-boom?
Who loves to watch them blow up just like a big mushroom?
ALL: The bomber! The bomber. The mission!
BORIS: The leader!
OLGA: Sniper!
YURI: Codes!
KATERINA: The bomber!
ALL: The mission!
Regrets
(My Heart Will Go On)
JAMIE: Every night, I'd party, and get drunk, and throw up
Each morning, a pounding headache
Then I'd take two asp'rin, and skip all my classes
Do you think I made a mistake?
PAULINE: Worked, slaved. That's how I behaved
In pursuit of my C.S. degree
No fun, no special someone
So I'm asking you now
CARRIE: While I showed a passion for new styles in fashion
I never showed my friends I care
No more playing Prom Queen, my true self will be seen
But first let me go fix my hair
DAVE: You, me. Could be heavenly
If you gave me a roll in the hay
Say yes, you'll have no regrets
Cuz if there's no tomor-
row, why wear a condom today?
ALL: We're doomed when Earth is consumed
So the time for regret's almost gone
No doubt, can't drone on about
What went right or went wrong
Cuz this song would go on and on
We're Facing Disaster
(Walking on Sunshine)
We used to think we'd live forever, now we know that we're wrong
But we'll do Armageddon with style, so c'mon, sing along
Cuz even though we're facing oblivion, there's a bright side, my friend
We're never gonna have to write another midterm again
Oh, we're facing disaster (Whoa oh)
The end's coming faster (Whoa oh)
We wish we were plastered (Whoa oh)
Cuz baby we're screwed (Hey) (We're toast now)
Oh yeah, we are screwed (Hey) (Yeah)
The end of the world as we know it's at twelve o'clock high
That's when ev'ry man, woman, and child is goin' bye-bye
So wherever you live, be it Moscow, Chicago, or Guam
There's no hope of surviving the aliens, comet, and bomb
(Oh yeah) Aliens are massing. (Oh no)
he comet comes crashing (Oh no)
The bomb keeps on flashing (Oh no)
And baby, we're screwed (Yeah) (It's over)
Don't mean to be rude (Oh) (no no)
But boy, are we screwed!
Isn't it Heroic
(Ironic)
A young man, a science geek,
(Got) bit by a spi^der, and became a freak
His uncle died, later that same week
But his situation, is not that unique.
And isn't he heroic...so to speak
We can fly, up up and away
Use our eyes, to make a heat ray
(And) when fired at us, watch bullets ricochet
That is because...we're heroes.
My super powers, they're sure to astound
I'm the strongest woman, measured pound for pound
Leap a tall building in a single bound
And I run a bit faster (you know) than the speed of sound
'Cuz I am heroic...I'll expound
We will fight to stop villain slime
We all help take a bite out of crime
(If) you break the law, you'll get caught ev'ry time
That is because ... we're heroes.
Please, Ultra Woman
(But Mr. Adams)
GLORIA: Oh, my captain, I think you should start off
After all, you did invade our country first
KEN: Is that so? Well, you know the plan of action
To give us a distraction
Before this presidential mess gets worse
UW: Yes, I know
GLORIA: And I think you could do it, darling, with ease
UW: Hell, no
KEN: Oh, please, Ultra Woman, please
UW: No
KEN: Please
UW: No
KEN: Please
UW: No
KEN: Ultra Woman, please, Ultra Woman
We simply need your help to make the people care again
There's been one scandalous impeachment; can't go there again
If you refuse, you are just downright un-American
OTHERS: Un-American, un-American, that's what he says she is
GLORIA: Comrade Boris, I guess you're the next one
So step right up and reveal your master plan
BORIS: Okay, da
UW: But I will refuse to do it.
There may be nothing to it.
But communists are evil, I understand
BORIS: Oh, p-shaw
GLORIA: But I think you should listen, darling, think fees
UW: Good heavens, no!
BORIS: Oh, please, Ultra Woman, please
UW: No
BORIS: Please
UW: No
BORIS: Please
UW: No
BORIS: Ultra Woman, please, Ultra Woman
Don't let the U.S. rule the world and walk all over it.
Cuz the Russian Revolution is not over yet
Until my friends and I bring back the Supreme Soviet
OTHERS: Supreme Soviet, Supreme Soviet, they want to bring it back
GLORIA: Now, my ninja friends, maybe you should talk quick
She's a cranky girl cuz baby needs her nap
UW: I do not
MAKO: But if I make a proposition
She'll state her opposition
OTHERS: Do world powers really need to take this crap?
UW: Was that a shot?
GLORIA: Oh straighten up and listen, darling, don't tease
UW: If you say so
MAKO: Oh, please, dear Ultra Woman, please
UW: No
MAKO: Please
UW: No
MAKO: Please
UW: No
HIKARU: Ultra Woman, please, Ultra Woman
We've been in bad shape since the economic slide began
But a box office hit can earn a mint in ev'ry land
Starring Godzilla versus you to help us save Japan
OTHERS: Japan, Japan, Godzilla's going to save the land
NASH: Everyone, leave her alone!
Oh, Ultra Woman, my dear Ultra Woman
You've turned downed offers here from ev'ry nationality
So now I offer you myself in all totality
And wanting nothing but to make our love reality
OTHERS: Make love reality, make love reality, make love realiti–
NASH: (Spoken) Quiet!
UW: Sweet reporter, my sweet ace reporter
With both you and superpowers, I feel doubly blessed
My life has just begun but I know I'll spend the rest
OTHERS: Spend the rest
UW: Walking side by side with you in eternal happiness
OTHERS: Happiness, happiness, we wish you all the best!
Oktoberfest Song
(The Beer Barrel Polka)
Ev'ry October
All over KW
No one is sober
All drunk on good German brew
When it's all over
We dry out, then shed a tear
Let's make ev'ry month October
And be drunk all year
Wa Wa Waterloo
(Rasputin)
We came to this campus to obtain a bomb,
Not found on the web at blow-it-up-dot-com
With such a deadly weapon under our control
Restoring Sov-yet Union would be easy goal
Then along came this clumsy detective
The kind no sane man would hire
Now the bomb is certified defective
Not what we desired
Wa Wa Waterloo
No one really had a clue
That we'd lose the Doomsday Device
Wa Wa Waterloo
We lost Ultra Woman too
Those Americans will soon pay the price
Now it's time for us to launch yet another plan
All in the name of our glorious motherland
We bribed Oktoberfesters with sausage and beer
It was their reward for getting us in here
Then Poor Greta drank sulfuric acid
And she collapsed on the floor
Now she's looking really rather placid
She can polka no more
Wa Wa Waterloo
So far, we are oh-for-two
But we can't just sit here and moan
Wa Wa Waterloo
We know what we have to do
We'll build a heroine of our own
Wa Wa Waterloo
Give her strength and beauty, too
And sensitivity, that makes sense
Wa Wa Waterloo
One more thing before we're through
Add a certain childlike innocence
We Three Nerds
(We Three Kings)
We three nerds watch Sci-Fi with glee
Base our lives on shows that we see
Full of wonder, full of thunder,
Full of bad plots, like "V"
Oh ship of glory, ship of grace,
Trav'ling through an endless space
Go exploring, never boring,
Nothing is commonplace.
We watch battles fought 'till they're won
Heroes shine, like light from the sun.
Shooting lasers, firing phasers,
None of them set to stun.
Oh ship of glory, ship of grace,
Ship that pounds like Heimdall's mace,
Force our credos, fire torpedoes.
Wipe out an alien race.
Star Trek films we think are quite great
'Specially two, seven, and eight
Khan was lying, Jim Kirk's dying,
Borg that assimilate.
Oh ship of glory, out of place,
Ship that vanished, left no trace,
Will and Judy, Smith was snooty,
They were all Lost in Space
Logan's Run, Red Dwarf, and Kung Fu,
Battlestar Galactica too.
Buffy creeping, Quantum Leaping,
Don't forget Doctor Who.
FASS '99
(Get Over It)
We put on a show theatrically
About an interstellar conspiracy
The faculty, alumni, staff and student body too
Plotted together to bring this show to you
Engineering, Arts, Science, and Math
All happily conspired to make you laugh
FASS '99! You saw us shine!
Actors singing and dancing, not botching a line
FASS '99! One of a kind!
The scientists predicted that the comet soon would crash
While the doomsday device would turn Earth into ash
With conspiracy hunters and cultists galore
And Yanks and Russians who brought back cold war
Add Ultra Woman, aliens, ninjas, marines
And then wrap it all up in one final scene
FASS '99! Tales intertwined!
If you could follow the plot, you're a real Einstein!
FASS '99! It warped your mind!
We missed all of our midterms, flunking each and ev'ry class
But being on stage is really a blast
Some call it dumb, but we call it FASS
Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!
So, did you chuckle from beginning to end?
Did we entertain you? Did we make a new friend?
Now the writers and production staff and the whole tech crew
Join director, cast and the band in bidding you adieu
Next year, we'll be returning, right after Groundhog Day
Unless the world has trouble surviving Y2K
FASS '99! It's closing time!
Last call for applause. Please be gentle; please be kind
FASS '99! Give us a sign!
FASS '99! It's party time!
Put away the costumes; breakout the beer and wine
FASS '99! Come back some time!
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